In what respect, Santa?Friends and enemies, it is time to put aside our irrevocable partisan differences and unite in the pursuit of inexpensive yet offensive X-mas/Kwanzaa/Ramadan/Channukah/Jedi gifts for our few friends and many enemies. In these troubled times of National Doom, you want a present that is a) cheap, and b) either wonderful or truly horrific. But the gift must not be some wacky novelty manufactured for the sake of laffs. It must be terribly sincere. (Unless it's not!) What we're saying is, how many prints of a burly, naked Barack Obama riding a unicorn to victory will you be buying this year?

This is Part I (One) of our 2008 War On Christmas Gift Guide. Expect a few more installments, this week!

Oh, look at this thing. It is magnificent! The artist Dan Lacey made this magical painting to commemorate the night when Barack Obama finally defeated what's-her-name, Madeline Albright, for the Democratic nomination. And then this Barack held his Victory Dance at the same forlorn St. Paul sports arena where John "Walnuts!" McCain would host the GOP's saddest GOP convention. And now you can buy a big signed print of this "Barack Obama Nude On A Unicorn Victory Print" artwork. $20, mailed in a tube, you seriously cannot beat this with a stick. [Faithmouse]

Do you like Clowns? No? Well, join the crowd. But what if there were actual photographs of naked clowns? DO NOT WANT? Well, fine, be that way. But while you're being that way, we would like to note that the 2009 Naked Clown Calendar is a fundraiser deal to fight the scourge of Multiple Sclerosis (MS). So you can buy this calendar of, uhm, naked clown photographs and help fight MS, or you can ... buy it and give it to your parents or boss or somebody. "It's for a charity," you can say, grinning. "Hang it up where everybody can see how you are against MS." Come on, $18! You can't even get a signed print of naked Barack Obama humping a Unicorn for that kind of money! [Naked Clown Calendar]

Oh hell YES finally a video game that BRINGS IT. This game is called, let's see, yes, ZooRace, and as you'll see from this incredible promotional preview video, it shows what happens when some fancy arugula-sucking Librarian with her book learnin' is forced to realize the Hard Truth of the Noah's Ark fable, after a simpleton (in a business suit) turns down her offerings of dictionaries and encyclopedias and other wordy tomes, because he likes stories about how Noah of Ark only loved to have beastly races, for enjoyment, when the Sumerian God "IT" drowned the Earth, for sport. And then the Librarian gal has a sex-dream about running with the animals. If you've got kids, you MUST BUY THEM THIS GAME, they will never want to play the video game machine ever again. Free to download and try, $17.77 to buy! (Because Ron Paul took $17.76.) Do it now. [ZooRace]

Face it, 2009 is going to be awful. You know how everybody's out of a job and everything sucks? Well, next year will be just like this, times seven-hundred billion. We are not going to have a lot of money for the ancient pleasures, such as martinis at some elegant hotel bar. We are going to be scraping the fetid carpet for bits of shitty Mexican weed. We will start pretending the seeds and stems are actually pretty good, after all! We will cry when we remember nights when it seemed like a perfectly good idea to give $200 to some bike-messenger/office intern because he had a coke connection. And then we will buck up and learn to make our own pipes and bongs again, as Americans used to do, back when we were still American. Build This Bong, $12.95, free shipping if you throw another dozen bucks at Amazon. [Build This Bong]

Every meat lover will love these frivolous steak "branding irons" from the nostalgic time when we had meat to cook, at our homes, before we became homeless. Your old racist guests who enjoy hot young male ass will love the whimsical "I'm an Elephant!" brand, while your liberal loser friends can ... uh, just sort of amuse themselves with the idea of getting a steak. A steak with a donkey brand! Culture wars! Just $25.95 for two of these things, in the two styles. [Rachel Roque/HomeWetBar]

Who says this mysterious Hawaiian moderate Barack Obama is our first black president? Well, kill them, those who say that. Our first and best African-American chief executive was none other than Ronald "Weird Harold" Reagan. You can own a little shrunken black head of this cat, Ronald Reagan, to show these Hopefuls what is really going on. Only $155 ... wait, really? $155, for this awful shellacked turd? Forget that, and buy this lousy "Ronald Reagan Famous Quotes Art Print" thing for $19.95, if you must insult a senile old Reagan lover (Grandpa?!) this Xmas. [Victory Stores 00 Yahoo]

Thanks to all the Wonkette Operatives everywhere, especially Julie Kosbab, Elizabeth Cole, Beastie, Fred Harris and Joshua Baxt.

War on Xmas Gift Guide UPDATES:

ALSO! This is our beloved 2006 War On Xmas Gift Guide.

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Image: Marriott Hotels

Great GOP wordsmith Frank Luntz, the guy who gave us the "death tax" and who urged the George W. Bush administration to talk about "climate change" since it was less politically motivating than "global warming," did some more of his characteristic word magic today! While staying at the Hotel Imperial in Vienna, Austria, Luntz offered this cautionary tale about the evils of socialism, as illustrated by the shoddy conditions in a 5-star luxury hotel owned by Dubai's "Al Habtoor" conglomerate and operated by Marriott:

Talk about your grim hellholes! Apparently, there's only one elevator in the entire building, and it's been broken for three days, proving that European-style socialism is a failure that should never be imported to the USA, where -- damn it! -- all buildings work!

As some smartass pointed out, now Luntz may have to take the STAIRS, like a common Bolshevik!

We're still trying to get our heads around how a delay in getting an elevator fixed in a luxury hotel owned by the United Arab Emirati proprietors of Dubai's

  • Habtoor Grand Resort
  • Waldorf Astoria Dubai Palm Jumeirah
  • Habtoor Palace, LXR Hotels & Resorts
  • V Hotel, Curio Collection by Hilton
  • Hilton Dubai Al Habtoor City
  • Metropolitan Hotel Dubai
  • Al Habtoor Polo Resort

as well as

  • Imperial Hotel, a Luxury Collection Hotel, Vienna (Austria)
  • Hilton London Wembley (United Kingdom)
  • Hilton Beirut Habtoor Grand (Lebanon)
  • Hilton Beirut Metropolitan Palace (Lebanon)
  • President Abraham Lincoln Springfield – a DoubleTree by Hilton Hotel (United States)
  • InterContinental Budapest (Hungary)
  • The Ritz-Carlton, Budapest (Hungary)

is an example of the horrors of socialism, but then, we don't earn the big bucks like Luntz does. Austria is among the 14 richest countries in the world, so we're fairly certain it's not a commie hellhole. Then again, there is a very strong social safety net, so maybe people in subsidized housing stole all the elevator parts. Or perhaps the elevator would have been fixed sooner if only Austria didn't have such strong unions. It's a mystery.

Or maybe it's that NATIONAL socialism that's the problem, seeing as it has socialism RIGHT IN THE NAME!

Adolf Hitler, once a day labourer outside the Hotel Imperial Vienna, returned as the Führer and "delivered a speech to a rapturous crowd from [the hotel] suite's balcony, on 14 March 1938", according to

We suppose it's worth noting that the Imperial is decidedly not owned or operated by the Austrian government, where a far-Right coalition has recently imploded -- although maybe Luntz is confused about that, since official state guests are traditionally housed there. In any case, the elevator's busted, it's in Europe, Europe is socialist, and Frank Luntz is homesick for America, where no elevator ever goes unrepaired for an entire weekend. It simply has never happened because of our efficient free market!

Still, Luntz's tweet inspired some valuable reflections on how economic theory shapes the reality of everyday life. This is the kind of Austrian economics we can support.

In conclusion, capitalism always allocates resources efficiently and fairly, although that still doesn't explain why Frank Luntz has a job. And now it would be your DOKTOR ZOOM'S BIRTHDAY PARTY OPEN THREAD, if only the socialists would fix the elevator, the end.

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