FOREEEEEEVER'S GONNA START TONIGHT!

Surely you did not think we were joshing you earlier when we threatened to take the rest of the day off so we can go to eclipse parties at libraries or state parks or ... OK, at least one of us will probably go to a bar (WITH A NICE PATIO!). You're old enough to be in the comments section at Wonkette without our constant supervision, after all, so if you're around, you have three jobs, and they are the easiest.

JOB NUMBER ONE: Watch Bonnie Tyler singing "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" on a cruise ship, ON TODAY, WHICH IS ECLIPSE DAY.

JOB NUMBER TWO: Do not watch Trump's dumb Afghanistan announcement tonight. We certainly aren't, and if he has decided to give Betsy DeVos's little brother, that skeevy Blackwater fucker Erik Prince, the keys to the whole war, we're sure we'll hear about it tomorrow. Seriously, do not watch that shit. You have better things to do, like literally anything else. Today, the news is about the eclipse, and Trump does not get to interfere with that. Of course, if huge news breaks about the Russia investigation, we'll probably pop back in.

JOB NUMBER THREE, as if we needed to tell you brilliant humans, is DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE SUN when your town is visited by the Sexxxy Eclipse. Don't do it!

All right, those are your tasks. Complete them with a positive attitude, and also have an OPEN THREAD. Oh and if "outside" isn't available to you (or the proper glasses) here is NASA's livestream: