According to a Trump White House official, Trump was "loving watching the Capitol mob" he incited. That's a thing you should know as we prepare to watch the second impeachment trial of Donald J. Trump.

So here we go! If you haven't read the Trump legal team's memorandum outlining their defense, oh boy, it's a doozy. When they're not deliberately misinterpreting the sources they themselves cite, they are saying Trump can't be convicted because Maxine Waters is the real violence inciter. And today, they're going to try to argue that the Constitution does not allow the Senate to convict a twice-impeached president who technically is allowing his ass to spread outside that office now. It's bullshit. Regardless, Politico Playbook reports that according to a source, Trump's defense is going to be like the "first three segments of a Hannity monologue," so that oughta play well with the gigantic majority of America that doesn't watch "Hannity."

And speaking of Trump's spreading ass, Playbook reports he's going to watch all this on TV, and that he's pretty excited about it, saying it's just like that time "in between seasons of 'The Apprentice,'" according to a source, "building anticipation and wonderment for what's to come." Apparently these fucking dorks spent the time between seasons of "The Apprentice" differently from how those of us with lives spent it. Meanwhile, Playbook also reports that Jared is worried Trump is going to find a way to "snatch defeat from the jaws of victory," so that seems about right.

Want more scoop on how this impeachment trial is going to play out? Read some Politico. Or just stay here with us while we liveblog it together.


1:10: Oh for God's sake, our own personal coverage of the Trump Impeachment Trial started with a surprise shutdown courtesy of our computer. Don't worry, you didn't miss anything, they are doing something that's known in the Senate as "voting on a thing." It's just agreeing to the rules, blah blah.

Meanwhile, among the other bullshits we are going to hear from Trump's crap lawyers, the Daily Beast reported last night that we should listen to see if they say the words "President Biden," because of how Trump is still a whinyshit loser who can't bear the reality that he lost to Joe Biden by MILLIONS AND GAZILLIONS OF VOTES.

1:14: Who wants to watch GOP Senator Mike Lee say Trump should get a "mulligan" for inciting that whole domestic terrorist attack? Who among us, etc.

Rep. Jamie Raskin starts, fighting for the IMPEACH MOTHERFUCKER NOW side of the trial.

1:17: Raskin says there is no "January exception" to impeachment, and that there is no thing in the Constitution that says you can't impeach a president on their way out the door. If it is a day, it is a good day to impeach and convict Donald Trump.

Now Raskin is showing one of the many videos Democrats will show during this trial. It begins with Trump deliberately and explicitly inciting his pig turd insurrectionists to go to the Capitol, followed by said pig turds screaming about going to the Capitol just like Dear Leader told them to.

1:22: This is just a really good video presentation. It's going in real time back and forth between what was happening inside and outside the Capitol, and eventually, as the terrorists breached the building.

You know, in case any of the 100 witnesses serving as jurors in this trial forgot the terrorist attack they were victims of.

1:27: In the video, a terrorist screams, inside the Capitol, "there's a fuckin' million of us out there! And we are listening to YOUR BOSS, the president." (May be slight paraphrase.)

This video presentation is fabulous. And oh wow, they even showed Ashli Babbitt being shot and killed. Wow. That happened. Dems did not come to fucking play for Senate Movie Day.

1:29: As the video shows, two hours after the breach, Trump released a video continuing to spread his fascist Big Lie about how the election was stolen from him, but telling his supporters to go home now. They did not go home.

1:32: Jamie Raskin back like "what is high crime and misdemeanor? that video. The end."

1:35: RASKIN: Here's the part of the Constitution about impeachment. We did our thing in the House while he was president. Now it's your turn. Doesn't matter if he's not president anymore, Constitution doesn't say shit about that.

1:37: Raskin notes that for the framers, EVERY impeachment they conducted in their lifetimes involved a former official. These were British impeachments, obviously, but that's the point -- the framers got impeachment from the British. If they had a problem with impeaching people when they were former officials, they woulda said something about it.

1:43: Raskin cites this quote from John Quincy Adams:

"I hold myself, so long as I have the breath of life in my body, amenable to impeachment by [the] House for everything I did during the time I held any public office."

In other words, we could impeach Trump in like 10 years for shits and giggles if we wanted.

Raskin hands over to Rep. Joe Neguse.

1:48: Neguse going through all the times in history we've impeached motherfuckers who were former officials. Here, read about William Belknap.

1:53: And now listing all the conservative thinkers these Republicans are literally personal friends with, like powerlawyer Chuck Cooper, who say the Senate impeachment trial is totally legit.

1:56: NEGUSE: Hey remember Jonathan Turley, that weirdo all you Republican senators were total boyfriends with during the first Trump impeachment trial? Here are all his articles about how you can impeach and convict former officials.

1:58: Neguse just noting that the rebuttal from Trump's dickbonkers lawyers didn't even try to rebut the idea that you can impeach and convict former officials.

2:02: If you didn't get to see the House video of the Capitol attack, it is here.

2:04: Neguse also separating the idea of removal from office from the idea of banning them from holding office ever again, because of how the Constitution doesn't actually say you must do one to do the other.

Neguse just keeps noting over and over again that Trump's lawyers didn't even try to rebut any of this in their trial brief. They just misrepresented sources that actually help OUR side, not their side.

2:12: David Cicilline begins: IMPEACHMENT IS HOW WE HEAL. From, you know, that time we ALL GOT TERRORIST ATTACKED TOGETHER BECAUSE ORANGE VON DUMBSHIT ORDERED IT.

Now he's bringing up all the evidence about how much Trump loved watching the attack at the Capitol, the one he incited.

2:18: CICILLINE: Kinda weird how Trump is all obsessed with, one hand, how you can't impeach him because he's a private citizen, but also can't bear to call himself the former president, instead opting for "45th President of the United States."

2:21: Cicilline notes that Trump is all dumb arguing that this isn't legit somehow because Chief Justice John Roberts doesn't feel like presiding over this trial because he's busy getting groomed or something. Nope.

2:28: This is worth your watching. Who told those terrorists to go to the Capitol? According to them, it was Trump.

2:34: We were just thinking jeez, how Jamie Raskin is having to do this, just after his son died, which itself was a week before the Capitol riots. Now he's talking about that.

2:39: Oh wow, we did not know Raskin's daughter Tabitha and her husband Hank were at the Capitol with Raskin that day, and that they had to hide in Steny Hoyer's office and that they literally thought they were going to die that day.

Will Tucker Carlson make fun of the Raskin family tonight? Or does he only get off on making fun of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's fear the same day?

2:41: Jamie Raskin is absolutely the person who should be doing this. Jesus.

Raskin closes, now there is a short break and then Trump's lawyers will say it is Maxine Waters's fault or whatever.

2:54: Here is some Jamie Raskin video, he really was wow.

On the MSNBC Claire McCaskill said she's hearing that some Republican senators were studiously avoiding watching the Capitol attack video, like Marco Rubio and Tom Cotton. Is there shame in their souls? Nah, let's not go too far.

3:03: Trump lawyer Bruce Castor begins, says violence is bad, probably is getting to the part about how Maxine Waters should feel very bad about that.

3:05: CASTOR: Today is a day I don't feel like prosecuting Bill Cosby for rape.

HAHA we are fooling and saying jokes, he didn't say those words, but you should read about that if you haven't.

3:08: Castor wants to make sure we know the difference between murder and manslaughter. We guess Trump only MANSLAUGHTER-incited a terrorist attack on January 6, not MURDER-incited one.

Anyway, he did refer to Trump as "former president," so he is fired.

3:10: We feel like we are 100,000 minutes into this and have not heard Castor once rebut anything the House managers said. Right now telling the senators they're "extraordinary." Maybe next he will tell them they are super thanks for asking.

3:12: Castor now saying senators are patriots, senators have nice hair, senators help old ladies cross the street, senators rescue kittens from the tops of trees, senators always go down ...

Still hasn't even attempted to make a point.

3:13: Castor says people say "MY senator" because we are proud of them, which means Castor has never heard us say "MY dumbfuck garbage human being trash senators Marsha Blackburn and Bill Hagerty."

3:15: CASTOR: Senators have families. Senators wear the latest fashions. Senators have the most delightful butts. Mitch McConnell and Chuck Schumer have the most delighting-est butts of all, which are right now covered by the latest fashions.

3:19: Oh my god, this man uses so many extra words, it's amaaaaaaaaaaazing. Saying something about Athens and Rome and Federalist Papers and Constitution and still hasn't made a point.

3:21: Castor thinks it's INVALID for impeachment managers to bring up things that happened before the American Revolution because we BROKE UP with Britain, DUHHHHHHHH.

That is the first point he attempted to make. He will attempt to make another one in 38 minutes.

3:24: Castor says FREEEEEEE SPEECH! That's why we broke up with Merry England! Because FREEEEEEEE SPEECH!

Because you see Donald Trump was just doing free speech, and if he wants to say this crowded theater is on fire, HE SHOULD GET TO SAY IT!

Or something. This presentation could have been an email.

3:26: Castor says none of the Capitol terrorists have been charged with conspiracy with Donald Trump as their co-conspirator, therefore in summary and in conclusion, QED, let's finish this thing where we started, but do statements ever really END, to be or not to be that is the question, it was the best of times it was the worst of times, I can say the alphabet look "A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y AND Z," I can say the alphabet backward look "Z Y X W V U T S R Q P O N M L K J I H G F E D C B A" I can say the whole Bible look I can say the whole Bible upside down look and now I will do the whole Bible in Latin now I will do the whole Bible in American Sign Language, which I have never studied, and Gibraltar as a girl where I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.

3:33: Now Castor is trying to attack Ben Sasse or something like OH YEAH? WELL YOU ARE WAY DUMBER THAN ALL THE JUDGES IN NEBRASKA, good God we don't even know, this guy blows a whole bag of asses.

3:40: Castor seems to have just said out loud that he's sorry his brilliant legal brief was too LEGAL for the dumb newspapers to understand. Sorry he BONEZONED all the journalists into LAWTOWN with his HAWT BRIEFS.

Jesus yikes.

3:42: Castor is fired again, he says the American people are smart enough to pick a new president if they want one, and they did, and now he's downt he street presidenting.

3:44: Castor's extremely roundabout argument here seems to be that Congress is only doing this because they're scared the American people in their infinite wisdom are going to beg for Trump back in the 2024 election.

Really.

3:47: LOL pretty sure Castor just admitted they changed their whole response -- you know the longass whatthefuckologue he is supposedly finishing right now -- because the Democrats did such a good job. He says another one of Trump's idiots is going to talk next. You know, if he ever finds his way out of this sentence.

3:50: This fuckdick is literally trying to read us the part of the Constitution about impeachment, as if the Democrats didn't read us THE WHOLE SENTENCE earlier. Moron finally finds one goddamned thing to truncate, and it's that.

Next moron talking, it can't be possibly worse than what we just endured, though David Schoen was Roger Stone's lawyer and Roger Stone was convicted on all counts, so ... HOLD MY BEER?

3:53: David Schoen wants to CRY about what this impeachment is going to do to the Constitution, he wants to CRY, he is YELLING that he wants to CRY!

3:56: This guy seems to have anger management issues, says we're never gonna HEAL if we don't stop calling Trump supporters DEPLORABLES and don't stop DISENFRANCHISING and if the Democrats don't stop hiring MOVIE COMPANIES to make MOVIES of, you know, whatever happened at the Capitol that day.

Cranky old shitfucker should smile more.

4:00: Schoen says if senators vote to hold this trial, then future senators will make fun of them (or something) and threatens that people won't even want to hold public office because they'll know they can be impeached even after they leave office. Which is funny since that's been in the Constitution the whole time.

This guy's a loud stupid dick, we hate him.

4:04: Oh no, the loud stupid dick is playing a video of Democrats saying they wanted to impeach Trump a lot, like that's some big secret, like it's not because Trump is the most disgraced, shameful, impeachable president in all of American history. This is part of an argument about "due process," allegedly.

4:10: Guys, we were not emotionally prepared for how bad Trump's lawyers were going to be. Yeah, they got hired 20 minutes ago, yeah they're rightwing hacks, yeah if you're willing to defend Donald Trump there is something wrong with your entire brain, but even so, we were not emotionally prepared.

Dude has been quoting some dumbass Republican congressman for the last five minutes, guess they didn't have any time to write their own arguments and are just cheating off congressional wingnuts' papers.

4:18: Wait what, did this moron just say Trump hasn't been allowed to see the evidence against him? Did he not just watch the video Democrats made?

4:21: Uh oh, Schoen called Trump "then-president Trump," he is fired.

4:28: Schoen has a Constitution. He will hold it up now.

Looks like a first edition!

4:32: CONFESSION: We stopped paying attention to the content of Schoen's words five minutes ago because he's worthless. We only note that he's taken it down like ONE notch from his earlier CRAZAAAAAAAAAAY. Which just means it's one notch more boring.

4:35: Schoen is just very mad that Pat Leahy is presiding, despite how the only reason John Roberts is not presiding is because John Roberts was getting his armpit hair permed today* and was too irresponsible to get the appointment changed, which means Leahy was next in line to do it, having gotten his own armpit hair permed over the Senate break in January,** like a civilized person.

But every time Schoen attacks Leahy, he is like "all due respect!" It is stupid.

Also, real quote from Schoen: "Words are what make our Constitution, frankly, and the interpretation of that Constitution, as you well know, is a product of words."

*Allegedly

*Allegedly

4:43: LOL, Trump's dumbfuck lawyer just quoted Dershowitz, DRINK.

4:48: We figured out Trump's lawyers' legal strategy, it is to yammer their yaps for so long and in such annoying ways that everyone in the entire world spontaneously gags themselves to death with a wooden spoon, rendering moot the question of whether 67 senators will vote to convict Trump.

4:56: World's most 500-year-old law student forgot to organize his notes before his big oral presentation:

4:59: And now Schoen is either crying or having an allergy attack or pooping his pants while reciting Longfellow's "O Ship Of State." So that was fuckin' weird.

I mean ... LOL.

OK, so Jamie Raskin is talking again. If he just wants to be like "lol wtf was that" and let us all go home early instead of rebutting -- HAHAHAHAHAHA he just said he sees "no need" to do a rebuttal LOLOLOLOL.

We literally tweeted this like 45 minutes ago.

5:10: And the Senate held the vote on IS IMPEACH CONSTITUTION? Fifty-six yeses, including six Republicans: Cassidy, Romney, Collins, Sasse, Toomey, Murkowski.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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