Wonkette's Teen Korner For Teenz: Best Palz Edition

Sup, assholes? I am kidding! Yr. Teen Kolumnist loves you very very much. However, I am guilty of being a teenage boy, and the amount of affection shown by your average teenage boy makes Bill O’Reilly seem like a teddy bear. As a result, teenage boy friendships make about as much sense as a Donald Trump/Anthony Weiner campaign ticket. To an outsider, it can sometimes seem like they hate each other, but it is actually something beautiful. No homo.

While trust is the backbone of any friendship, for male teenz, insults are the vital organs. You can tell when two teenage boys get along by how rude they are to each other. To total strangers, they will be semi-polite, civil even. However, once the seeds of friendship have been sown, they are watered by teasing. Gentle drips of ribbing, or “joshing” come first, then a steady flow of sarcasm and straight up insults come next. Eventually, among best friends, it is a torrent of bullshit.

In fact, sometimes the only way to tell the difference between best friends and worst enemies is the reaction to an insult. Or, more accurately, an exchange of insults. Insult matches are the modern youth’s duel. Enemies will remain resentful, no matter the outcome. If a wound was left, there will be no reconciliation, merely further retaliation. However, friends will sit back, laugh, and joke around. There will likely be a play by play, going over particularly excellent/horrible attacks and counters. If a wound occurs, it will have been accidental, and reconciliation occurs quickly. The only difference between insults and dueling is that I regrettably don’t get a sword.

Best friends are actually the worst about this. Regular old friends will get off with some gentle teasing, but between best friends, that will not suffice. They consist of punching greetings, mocking nicknames, and enough pranks for an entire dorm of frat-boys. It can often seem less like teasing and more like cruelty. Actually, after a day at my besty’s house, my shoulder has a bruise roughly the size and color of a plum. Our Facebook conversations share the same glow of friendship and magic:

El Chorizo Grande: Helloooo

Kid Zoom: DUDE I HIT THE FRONT PAGE OF REDDIT OMIGOD

El Chorizo Grande: Weeee. I don't care

Kid Zoom: OMIGODOMIGODOMIGOD

I am proud

El Chorizo Grande: Oh lord

Are you ever gonna shut up?

Kid Zoom: OK I GOTTA GO TO BED NOW

LOVE YOU KISSIES

El Chorizo Grande: Fuck that

And the conversation continued the next day:

El Chorizo Grande: Call me, asshole.

Kid Zoom: Ok, shit for brains

El Chorizo Grande: Idiot

 [All dialogue guaranteed 100% verbatim -- Dok Zoom] 

However, the weirdest thing about guy friendships is that they work. Seriously, they last long periods of time, and for all the trash talk and insults traded between them, they can be incredibly close knit. Two male best friends will likely have few to no secrets between each other. I’m not saying female friendships don’t do this, it’s just that they aren’t laced with enough put-downs to make Triumph the Insult Comic Dog seem like Mister Rogers. However, no two (sober) guys would ever say this to each other, because that shit’s gay.

 Kid Zoom is a high school junior living in the wilds of Idaho. He is the son of Doktor Zoom, who has no idea where the little bastard picked up such language. We are beginning to wonder if we letting him watch The Aristocrats when he was 15 was such a great idea.