Wonkette's Weekly Top 10 Is IN HIDING, FROM SHAME. Just Kidding, We Don't Got That.
Welcome welcome to this week's weekly top 10, where we are IN HIDING out of SHAME, just kidding, WE ARE FINE. But we did get some rank speculation wrong once, we guess, and Liz did NOT want to have to write that she had been incorrect when rankly speculating about a thing, like, girl, come to the dark side where EVERY speculation is wrong because MAMA LOVES A LONGSHOT. Anyway, come on in and see this week's top 10 stories as chosen by a hamper of hiders, fuck it, why not.
10. Your Wonkette: WRONG ABOUT A THING. Sheeeit, this is nothing like some of the doozy retractions I have had to write, WHICH SUUUUUUCKED. Anyway, the "bribe for pardon scheme" unsealed by DOJ was not in fact about Rudy Giuliani and the Chucklefucks, how could that even be?
9. Covidiot Doctor Loses License After Bragging About Not Wearing A Mask ... Ever. That is a fucking idiot!
8. Senate's Dumbest Republican Invites Loonypants Anti-Vaxxer To Testify On COVID-19, Lizard People. Oh look, it's our old friend Dr. Jane Orient, being waaaaack.
7. Michele Bachmann Pretty Mad Satan Stole Her Vote. Self-explanatory.
6. Dear Jack Stuef, Do You Think You Owe Wonkette Some Of That Treasure? This was this month's moneybeg, and a whole lot of you read it! But it must not have been a very good one, because a whole lot of you did not actually donate this month. So apparently I am bad and I should feel bad. AND I DO. :(
5. Michigan Sheriff Wins Prize For Today's Dumbest Election Suit — And The Competition Was STIFF! Don't even know what this was about, weekends off suckers!
4. Republican Woman Acknowledges Basic Fact Of Reality. Whatever Kellyanne Conway, please go way.
3. Covidiot Bar Owner Runs Over Cop. Surely The Blue Lives Matter People Will Be Outraged! I need to talk to the kids about "covidiot" I think, that is for sure overused. But you sure liked the story!
2. Infowars' DeAnna Lorraine Wants Trump To Challenge Biden To A 'Rally-Off'. *Nods wisely*. Yes, yes, of course, that is definitely for sure how it works!
1. Mitch McConnell Says No To Mitch McConnell's Stimulus Plan Because Dems Agreed To Mitch McConnell's... I just saw a poll showing a plurality blame Nancy Pelosi for the stalled stimulus, including a big chunk of Democrats. That's a bummer! Maybe Democrats could try "messaging" and "talking out loud"!
And there you have it! This week's top 10 Wonkette stories as chosen by a hamper of hiders! Now I do the weekly reminder that we are ONLY funded by YOU. I'm not going to Orel Roberts about it and weep about SEND US MONEY OR WE WILL DIE, but ... if you don't send us money, we will die.
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Who's in mama's closet, nobody I can see! They're hiding!
Whar Santa? ALSO HIDING! Also, every store in our sad dying mall was closed except Bed Bath & Beyond and the pretzel shop. They were very good pretzels.
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