Wonkette's Weekly Top Ten Hurt Ted Cruz's Balls, OW!
Willkommen, bienvenue, BUENAS DIAS. Remember when I told you yesterday that I was taking a week off? Well, due to the vagaries of the space-time continuum and also the "schedule posts" button, it is still Friday somewhere in the world. But HELL YEAH we're on our way to Mexico. Or will be. Perhaps!
Now it is time to count down the Wonkette stories you loved the most this week, as determined by Yang Gang. BUT FIRST!
Wonkette is funded ENTIRELY by YOU, because we got sick of the ads breaking your computer and our wallet. If more than one percent of you wanted to give us a couple bucks a month to pay Dok and Evan and Robyn and SER and Liz and Jamie and Michael AND ME and that PRECIOUS CHILD ABOVE and also my husband (part time), then that would be swell and we would be rich. Okay, get your credit card and/or your paypal login, or a stamp and a check and an envelope addressed to
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and ready, set, PAY US! (If you are able.)
There. NOW it is time to count down the Wonkettes.
10. Creepy Child Nazi Banned From YouTube, Finally. This happened on a weekend, which my husband says I have to take mostly off except for thank you notes, bookkeeping, bills, and making him sammiches. So I haven't read it, per se, but I am going to assume that Robyn wrote about a creepy child Nazi and how he was banned from Youtube, but that it took a long time.
9. Something Something Sunday, Something Something Nice Things. Dok wrote this. It promises baby cows, which I feel like is just cheating.
8. Kevin McCarthy: Donald Trump Always Hangs Out With Everyday Working Folk He Refuses To Pay. Dok wrote this one too! He did not promise baby cows, so I guess you all just really wanted to read Dok yelling at Kevin McCarthy for being a choad.
7. Trump Pardons Every Criminal He Knows, Which Is A Lot Of Criminals. Dok with a threefer! Anyway, Trump pardoned a lot of criminals.
6. Michael Avenatti? More Like Michael Ave-NAUGHTY! Liz looks back fondly at a time when we didn't know Michael Avenatti sucks.
5. Why Does This Jesus Man Want Restaurants To Fail? What the heck! DOK! This one was really good though, this guy's a dick.
4. Florida Man May Refuse Dialysis If He Can't Bring Cardboard Cutout Of Trump With Him For Emotional Support. Robyn, weekend, emotional support Trump.
3. ARE YOU READY FOR BLOOOOOMBERG????? (No.) (Your Vegas Democratic Debate LIVEBLERG!) Hey! IT ME! I started out so ANGRY, and lots of you sent me money because you like it when I am ANGRY, but then Liz Warren did all my anger for me, so I wasn't ANGRY any more!
2. Donald Trump Found A Black Woman To Blame For Roger Stone's Crimes. LOL, he sure did Evan! (Evan had an update on this for you, in our last-to-this-one Friday end-of-day post! Guess who's full of shit? NOT THE BLACK LADY.)
1. Ted Cruz Positively Outraged That The Government Would Interfere With His Reproductive Rights. Robyn on Ted Cruz's balls. And that's why she gets the hazard pay.
You have been very good Wonkers, you may have another picture.
See you on the flipside! Unless you were that one lady in the comments who said she was gonna be at the beach in Tulum. That lady should email rebecca at wonkette dot com. Or if you're a different person who's also in Tulum, or Akumal, or somewhere in between, you should do that too. ADIOS BITCHES. ADIEU!
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.