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Wonkette's Weekly Top Ten Is Stirred, Not Shaken

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Donna Rose and her Darling. She calls her cat Darling because it is what I call HER. Also, she lost her bunny at the cabin. She will tell you all about it next time she sees you.

A week, we've had a few. (Weeks. In the last week. Because of Trump Time Compression Syndrome.) But then again, too few to mention. Without further ado, because Evan had three days off and I forgot to write Top Ten yesterday and now it is asscrack of Saturday and I have to do my Saturday bills and paperwork and Jon Tester canvassing, here is your weekly Top Ten as chosen by SCIENCE.

1. James Bond Sexed A Lady And Got Her Pregnant And Now He's Carrying His Baby Around. WHAT A GAY! Self-explanatory.

2. Right Wing Nutjobs Very Scared Of All The Witchcraft We Are Going To Do To Them. Oooh, more Sinatra.


3. Are These The 5 Dumbest Reactions To Elizabeth Warren's DNA Test? Sure Why Not. Actually, they were not even close to the dumbest reactions, but we hit it early and then got depressed and stopped hitting it.

4. Mueller Investigation Almost Over, According To People Who Wish That Were True. Boy, sure gonna be a fun week after the election, HENGHHHH? I shall be in Mexico, doing Not Work, and the kids are going to have to cover it all without me, SUCKERS. (They're like "yeah whatever wanking motion get out.")

5. John Bolton, John Kelly In White House Screaming Match, And We ALL WIN! Just kidding, nobody wins.

6. US Sen. Martin Heinrich In HOTT 'New Mexico Three-Way!' NOW we all win!

7. Donald Trump Is Stupid And Dumb And Insane And Dumb And A Total F*cking Baby Who Is Also Very Dumb. We're not sure you were aware?

8. Dark Time For The Rebellion: Marvel Fires Chuck Wendig For Having Opinions. I didn't read this, because it was on a weekend, but Stephen wrote about ... I think it is comic books, judging by the headline?

9. Hey, Good News, Black Man Not Killed This Time For Being In His Own Damn Apartment! Well, better news anyway.

10. We Feel Like We've Said This Before, But Donald Trump Is The Stupidest Person Who Ever Lived. You should really be aware by now, because we just said it three stories ago.

And there you have it. Your top 10 stories for the week as chosen by SCIENCE. Don't forget to keep us going FOREVER with money and love. (Hit the amount, make it monthly if you can, and THEN hit either Paypal or Stripe to complete our dirty dirty transaction.) Hate the paypals? You can send a paper check to Wonkette, PO Box 361, Polson MT 59860. And if you include your email address somewhere it might not even take me two years to send you a thank you note.

I said MIGHT.

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Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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