Wonkette's Weekly Top Ten Wishes You A Merry Little New Year!


Anybody else out there having a fuck of a time? All of you???? Well, then it's a good thing we have EACH OTHER. What good's a cult if it doesn't come with unconditional love and there-theres from your doubtless seminude cult brothers and sisters to bolster you up when everything around you is so 2018?

Yay cult! We literally could not keep going without you!

Here without further nonsense are our top 10 stories of the past week as chosen not by science, or Beyonce, or me, but by YOU, with your clicky fingers clickin' the stories and readin' the stories and commenting on the stories once you get past the hardcore porn left by the bad commenter who we guess thinks of himself as a supervillain or something and lives to punish all of us and make us sad. I am sorry your life is however it is, bad commenter, that makes you this way. I wish you had someone to call, or a cult you could join, where the people are nice to you and you're not a human box of rat poison. I am sad for you, bad commenter. I'm sad for everything, really. But I do know your way isn't the way I want to get back to THE FIGHT.

10. Trump Loses War On Santa. This one freaked me out. He's so fucking stupid and antisocial and weird he told a seven-year-old girl calling NORAD there was no Santa. Luckily she was like "durr?"

9. Meatball Gets Caught Telling Another Whopper. It was a slow news week, sure, but we knew Five Dollar Feminist would die with happiness when she saw the acting AG lying about the STUPIDEST thing.

8. Meghan McCain Would Like Katrina Pierson To Be Less Stupid Please. Well who wouldn't?

7. Show Me On The Doll Where Meatball Hurt You: Letters To Matt Whitaker's Former Scammy Fraudy Patent Company. I only just read this Miami New Times report on the company itself -- like HOLY WOW WHAT A BAD COMPANY!!!1! The letters are good, also, too.

6. Immortal Goddess Ruth Bader Ginsburg Ruins Trump's Day From Her Hospital Bed. Can't keep a good woman down!

5. Trump & Melanie Are Home Alone Together For Christmas. The fate they both deserve.

4. Twitter Gun Lady Shoots Up Innocent Wooden Board For Wishing Her Happy Holidays. This one was hilarious! LOL Twitter gun lady!

3. James Mattis Hurt Our Delicate President's Feelings, Gets Pushed Out Two Months Early. Whatever, I'm over this dick.

2. Breitbart Will Be Ready With The Dunking Chairs When The Witches Take Over America. Breitbart's got a thing about witches, sure, but are they SEXY WITCHES????

1. Ruth Bader Ginsburg Too Busy For Cancer, Already Back At Work, FUCKING TOLD Y'ALL SO. Sigh.

Thank you for being our friend. Robyn will be here with you over the weekend, as usual, and we'll see you on Monday for our endofyearstravaganza. And then we'll get back on this horse, by which I probably mean drugs.



King of You


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Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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