Won't You Feed The Wonkette Children This War On Christmas Season?
Pretty sure that's Kaili, DYING OF COLD.
Is your Chanukah gelt burning a hole in your pocket (AND POOR JESUS'S PALMS???)? Do you feel the burning itch to share your Christmas goose, NOT IN A SEX WAY? Have you cracked your fourth bottle of wine, and LOVE US SO MUCH BRO, you CAN'T EVEN STAND IT? As usual, we are here to relieve you of your terrible burden.
How To Tip Your Wonkers For Christmas
But MORE IMPORTANTLY (just kidding nothing is more important than THE CHILDREN), if you add a "special instructions" in the old Paypal, you can earmark a War On Christmas Tip for any of those three by saying "This is for Kaili" or "this is for Dok" or "this is for the one who writes about the Duggars and is SO GROSS LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH HACK HACK OH DEAR I HAVE EXPIRED." You could also shoot us a tip for C.A. Pinkham, who hasn't even started his "Behind Closed Ovens" column here yet, but I know you guys are 'scited. (Big ups to the folks at Gawker, who won't let Pinkham keep the BCO name even though they don't want it anyway. We are leaning toward "The Hungry Games" as a replacement, since there's obviously no problem with copyright there.)
We will also be giving the kids bonuses because #simplythebest (we mean us, for giving them bonuses, but we guess them too) but if you can't live without them, smear them with your love offering, as Jan Crouch likes to say, and she is not talking about her husband's wanger, except when she is. Anyway, shoot them a tip by Dec. 15 in order for us to stuff it in their Christmas Drawers.
But Editrix, you are mumbling, how do we know you won't pocket the tips, like some gross management baddie -- like, say, this one? First of all, I can't hear you when you mumble, KINDLY SPEAK UP. Second of all, well, I guess you don't, but I won't. SO THAT'S THAT! CASE CLOSED! SHUT YOUR WANGHOLDER ALREADY! ALSO I LOVE YOU! HAPPY CHRISTMAS!
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.