World Election Roundup: Australia To Remain Free Of Rule By Crazed Post-Apocalyptic Road Gangs A Little Longer
Today we thought we would circle past the Wonkette international desk – tucked away in a far corner of the newsroom, next to the janitorial supplies and a dusty pile of Butterstick references – and see what’s cookin’ overseas that does not have anything to do with Syria, because good Lord we’re tired of thinking about who is winning the “messaging battle” or whatever on Syria.
First up: Russia, where the city of Moscow has re-elected as its mayor one Sergey Sobyanin, who has managed, to our knowledge, to never send pictures of his dick to random ladies he met on the Internet. No wonder we have never heard of him! Sobyanin is a longtime politician, leader of the largest political party in the country (United Russia), and a former Deputy Prime Minister of Russia. More importantly, he is a close ally of Vladimir Putin, who no doubt celebrated Sobyanin’s victory by downing a couple dozen shots of vodka and prank-calling Edward Snowden to ask if our intrepid hero has Prince Alexei Nikolaevich in a can.
Sobyanin’s big opponent in the election was Alexei Navalny, a longtime critic of Putin’s and crusader against governmental corruption in Russia. Navalny won a bigger share of the vote than anyone expected, nearly 27%. However, as long as Sobyanin’s total stays above 50% (he’s around 52% as of Sunday night, according to the BBC) he wins in the first round and avoids a run-off. The closeness of the race surprises us. If Putin had fixed it, why would he have made it that close? Someone must have forgotten his monthly tithe of gold jewelry and Siberian bear pelts, Sergey Semyonovich!
Next we swing over to Australia, which this weekend voted out homo-lovin’ Kevin Rudd in favor of Tony Abbott, a conservative climate-change skeptic, which you would think might make him unpopular in Australia, a continent that will probably stop catching on fire only when the ocean swallows it. Abbott’s platform includes scrapping the national carbon tax and teaming up with the province of Victoria’s Premier Denis Napthine to fight “union thuggery.” Abbott declared that with his victory Australia is now “open for business,” a governing philosophy that has worked out so well for some of our own states here in America (though it might make this demon lady happy). Can’t wait for the stories of fertilizer plants blowing up all across the Land Down Under.
But we know what all of you are thinking: sure that is all well and good, but how did albino muppet Julian Assange and his Wikileaks Party do in the elections? The answer is: not well! The Wikileaks Party picked up less than 1% of the national vote. Assange himself was vying for a Senate seat in Victoria. As of Sunday, he is trailing the candidates from political powerhouses the Australian Sex Party and the Australian Motoring Enthusiasts Party.
What hurt Assange in this election? Was it the fact that he could not campaign in person because he cannot leave the Ecuadoran embassy in London? Or was it the Wikileaks Party’s decision to join up with some very right-wing parties on their voting preference ticket (whatever the hell that is) in two of Australia’s states? We may never know. We also will never care.
One thing we can say: even the small parties in Australia sound a hell of a lot more entertaining than what we get in the States. You don't see an American Sex Party picking up seats in Congress, do you? Okay, bad example. Still, have you seen our third parties? They tend to be full of boring self-righteous windbags and/or sociopaths...hmmm, wait a minute, we are doing this wrong!