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Hey kids, PSA from your friendly neighborhood Wonklawyer. If ever you find yourself representing a Russian troll farm in federal court against Special Counsel Robert Mueller, DON'T DO THIS.

The Special Counsel's argument is reminiscent of Otter's famous line, "Flounder, you can't spend your whole life worrying about your mistakes! You f**ked up . . . you trusted us. Hey, make the best of it."

For reals, federal judges will not be impressed with your granular knowledge of seminal 1970s frat house flicks, and are quite likely instead to tear you a new asshole for being "unprofessional, inappropriate, and ineffective." When the judge tells you to "knock it off," do not turn around and accuse said judge of "bias" against you. And for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT tell the judge, "That's your opinion." Seriously, this will not end well.

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When last we left Concord Management's bellicose counsel Bluto Blutarsky Eric Dubelier, he was hinting darkly about naked selfies and accusing Robert Mueller of "thr[owing] a dart at the Federal Reporter" in search of case cites. Even for a guy representing "Putin's caterer" Yevgeniy Prigozhin, Dubelier's filings are shall we say over the top.


Concord is the only defendant appearing among the 13 Russian nationals and three Russian companies indicted by Robert Mueller for conspiring to ratfuck the American election. Clearly Concord's strategy is to jump up and down screaming in an attempt to discredit the special counsel's office, while simultaneously extracting maximum information through the discovery process. Meanwhile Prigozhin and the other defendants sit safely in Moscow impervious to American jurisdiction.

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All of which puts Yr Wonkette in an uncomfortable position. Because at this here commie mommyblog, we really do believe in civil liberties. We take that shit about "no secret evidence" and "right to confront your accuser" seriously. So we sympathize with Concord's contention that it's entitled to know how the Special Counsel got the evidence being used against it, and we see the merits in Dubelier's argument that take my word for it, 'cause I'm Robert Fuckin' Mueller is perhaps not entirely in accord with the Fourth Amendment. Even when that argument is transparently made as a cover for a Russian troll farm trying to root out a mole within its ranks. That being said, we're a little puzzled that the strategy of a former federal and state prosecutor like Dubelier is to act like a raging dickhead at every turn.

At issue today was evidence provided by Concord to firewall counsel -- that is, independent lawyers appointed by Judge Dabney Friedrich to shield national security information and classified matters from Concord's Kremlin-linked boss Yevgeniy Prigozhin. According to Dubelier, Concord submitted an unspecified piece of evidence to the firewall counsel, and he has reason to suspect that it was leaked to Mueller.

The Court issued an unprecedented and onerous Protective Order, containing only one concession to the Defendant; that is, Defendant could supposedly communicate information to firewall counsel without that information winding up with the Special Counsel. As to the first and only such communication, the Special Counsel took investigative action seven days later. It is the responsibility of the Court to determine whether a violation of the Protective Order occurred. A simple lawyers' denial that does not contain any reference to their staff or investigators cannot support a conclusion that no violation occurred. [Citations omitted.]

Yes, that is curious timing. Perhaps Concord's lawyer would have had better luck with his argument had he not submitted a spittle-flecked memorandum all but accusing the SCO of participating in a conspiracy against his client.

Surely the Special Counsel could answer that question without compromising any ongoing use of a grand jury to unilaterally conduct discovery in an already indicted case. But no, instead just a curiously sealed pleading containing not a single citation to any case authority proposing more ex parte secrets to the Court. For a Special Counsel who claims that secretly pretending to be someone you are not on the internet is a conspiracy against the United States, one might think that all of his proposed secrets in prosecuting this matter are a conspiracy to deny the Defendant its right to a fair, open and public determination of its case.

DUDE, SWITCH TO DECAF!

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After a contentious hearing over the "secret evidence," Judge Friedrich granted time for Dubelier to discuss whether they want to obtain new counsel because of the court's BIASSSS against him -- or at least to waste more time on this moronic non-starter. She further instructed Concord and the SCO to quit screwing around and work out their discovery issues, after which she sealed the courtroom to discuss the grand jury matter. Would that be the secret Mueller case involving a foreign company which refuses to comply with a grand jury subpoena currently working its way up to the Supreme Court? Dunno! But that Dubelier guy puts on a hell of a show!

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[Concord Memorandum / Politico / Buzzfeed / Talking Points Memo]

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Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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One of the most common things to say in America, just behind "Happy Birthday" and "NO COLLUSION," is "Mitch McConnell should go fuck himself." It works for all occasions, whether you have just stubbed your toe or whether you are in the middle of your wedding to your sweetheart. Try it!

But why should Mitch McConnell go fuck himself at this particular moment? Let's look at the top three current reasons!

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Sucks to be you, Pat Shanahan! The acting Defense secretary is currently under investigation for preferential treatment of his former bosses at Boeing, who just got busted letting planes fall out of the sky if buyers skimped on the upgrades. Shanahan was never a favorite of Trump's, and now his chances of getting made Big Boy For Real Sec Def are decreasing by the day. Which means that he's going through all this shit for nothing! Womp womp!

What shit, you ask? Well! Last night Shanahan announced the first tranche of the "found" money the DoD is shifting over to fund WALL in defiance of Congress's constitutional spending powers. The Defense Department will be transferring the cash from accounts meant to support military personnel into "anti-drug funding," which they've decided means they can use it to build "18-foot-high pedestrian fencing, constructing and improving roads, and installing lighting within the Yuma and El Paso Sectors of the border." Already pissed off about the fake EMERGY declaration, although not pissed enough to override a veto, congresspeople on both sides of the aisle are hopping mad that the Trump administration dicked them around for months, shut down the government, forced them to negotiate for wall funding in good faith, and then said HA HA SUCKERS, WE'RE JUST GOING TO STEAL IT FROM THE RAINY DAY FUND ANYWAY!

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