WTF Is Wrong With Former Trump Doc Ronny Jackson? A Wonkette Science Theory!

Let's talk about former White House doc Ronny Jackson, the one who stood in the White House press briefing room and said with a straight face — a glowing straight face — that Donald Trump was a slender and virile man whose genes are as astonishing as a common Jane Fonda's; that if he were any younger, he probably wouldn't even be born yet; that his stamina was like oxen, testicles like bull, pleasing is the fragrance of his perfumes, legs like gazelle or young stag, I DELIGHT TO SIT IN HIS SHADE, HIS FRUIT IS SWEET TO MY TASTE, LET HIM LEAD ME TO THE BANQUET HALL AND LET HIS BANNER OVER ME BE LOVE!

We may be paraphrasing, but slightly.

After that performance, as a treat, Donald Trump decided to let Dr. Ronny be secretary of the VA, but that didn't work out because something something Drinky McPillpusher.

Well, as you know, he is now an official wingnut, and he is running for Congress in Texas's 13th, and he does not like you saying Donald Trump's "Obamagate" conspiracy theory is "stupid" or "totally made up" or "just more evidence of the president's rapid mental decline." After all, Dr. Ronny was the one who gave Trump that brain test, and was Trump not able to circle "camel" on the first try? He circled "camel" on the first try. Dr. Ronny SEEN IT.

And he doesn't like it when you call Trump's Twitter troll (acting) Director of National Intelligence Ric Grenell a drooling unqualified lapdog or point out that he's helping Trump manufacture a fake "UNMASKING!11!!" scandal by releasing exclusive information we've all known since 2017, about Obama officials takingcompletely appropriate actions in the midst of a Russian attack on our democracy for the benefit of Donald Trump.


It started with this tweet, where Dr. Ronny accused the Obama administration, for which he also served as the White House doctor for years, of "spy[ing] on President Trump," and called them "Deep State traitors."

The next day, Jackson doubled down with a statement:

Let's embiggen that.

Once again, the "mainstream media" comprised of liberal mouthpieces and producers of FAKE NEWS, has demonstrated why an overwhelming number of Americans continue to distrust the national press. Their malicious and biased attacks on anyone associated with the Trump administration undermines our democratic process by continuing to sew [yep, "sew"] division amongst the citizens of this great country. [...]

Blinded by their hatred of OUR President and their desire to defeat him at any cost, Democrats have exposed their complete disregard for the truth. Democrats are now rejecting official government reports from the Acting Director of National Intelligence [hahahahahahahahahaha = Ed] because they think it hurts Joe Biden's chances of defeating President Trump. [...]

I stand by my comments calling out President Obama's administration for weaponizing our government to spy on President Trump and his supporters. I will never apologize for standing up to protect America's national security interests and constitutional freedoms, even if that means triggering liberals and the "mainstream media." As a retired Navy Rear Admiral, to suggest that I don't have my country's best interests at heart is patently false and offensive to not only me, but all veterans.

Oh. My. God.

So this is weird!

Former Obama officials, many of whom are now known as Pod Save America-ers, were actually kinda stunned, since they worked with this guy for years, and even said nice things about Dr. Ronny, while we were all busy making fun of him fawning all over Trump's sexxx body.

We see two possibilities here:

Maybe Dr. Ronny Jackson was always secretly a stupid and bad person, and now it's just all coming out. Could be!

But we'd like to suggest an alternate theory, one that the Pod Save-rs might or might not agree with. Maybe Dr. Ronny is a pilot fish, like never-Trumper Steve Schmidt said of Lindsey Graham, "a smaller fish that hovers about a larger predator, like a shark, living off of its detritus." Dr. Ronny, any way you look at him, is a little bitty fish. Maybe he's empty inside, devoid of self, just a dirty, dirty, hollowed-out fish skin, and he latches onto power wherever it is, just like Lindsey Graham does. When John McCain was alive to be boss of him, Graham was a marginally decent human being, but when John McCain died and left him alone, Graham jumped up inside Donald Trump's asshole and swore to defend his new daddy against all enemies foreign and domestic.

Maybe Dr. Ronny is like that. Barack Obama didn't die, but he sure didn't put Dr. Ronny in a suitcase and sneak him home and let him live in the attic after his presidency ended.

Maybe Dr. Ronny is the love child of Lindsey Graham and a wet slice of baloney, is what we are saying.

Oh PLEASE, they have basically the same voice.

Could happen, Lindsey Graham could be a dad, you don't know.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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