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We knew when Michael Cohen pleaded guilty that he had committed his campaign finance crimes (which we will refer to throughout this post as his "booby peener payoffs," because they relate to buying the silence of Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal in order to make their stories go away before the election) at the direction of "Individual-1," AKA Donald Trump. None of that has been a secret. The sitting president of the United States has been named as an unindicted co-crimer in a guilty plea for his former lawyer, who is currently LOCK HER UPPED.

We also got very strange news this week, that the Southern District of New York (SDNY) investigation into the Trump Organization's campaign finance lawbreaking was winding down and would soon be over, probably with no new indictments. And that was weird. It was especially weird because CNN reported that the investigation seemed to go quiet about five months ago, which just happened to be right when Attorney General McCoverUps himself, Bill Barr, was confirmed to his position. Was Barr doing Trump's bidding again and putting his thumb on a valid criminal investigation, in order to protect the president and his crime family?

That's certainly what Trump wanted. When Matthew "Meatball" Whitaker was acting attorney general, it's reported that Trump pressured him to control the SDNY investigation, and that Whitaker told his pals at Justice that SDNY needed "adult supervision." Ha ha! Meatball McPeenerToilet was the adult! And wouldn't you know it, but zing bang boom, the second Barr took the baton, that investigation did indeed go dark. And now it's over!

When we originally saw the warrants that led to Michael Cohen's big fun FBI raids, the parts about the "Illegal Campaign Contribution Scheme" were redacted, in order to protect the ongoing investigation. But now that investigation is over, or at least the part related to Michael Cohen's participation in the booby peener porn payoffs is! This week prosecutors asked Judge William H. Pauley to please keep some of the really good parts redacted, in order to protect "third-party privacy interests." (Of whom, please?) In response, the judge issued an order telling those prosecutors to FUCK OFF. Not only did Pauley tell them to fuck off, he said these documents "are a matter of national importance," and that "it is time that every American has an opportunity to scrutinize the Materials." (Emphasis ours.)

Judge Pauley ordered the warrant documents, including the parts about the "Illegal Campaign Contribution Scheme," to be released by 11:00 AM today, and they are out! They tell quite a story. (It's pages 36 to 57 of that link. Follow along if you'd like!) Cohen is certainly guilty, but from what we can tell, "Individual-1" is certainly also very guilty. Also, Hope Hicks, you have been BAD, by which we mean you have been GUILTY and it sure does LOOK LIKE you lied to Congress. Meanwhile, Michael Cohen is the only one sitting in prison for any of these crimes.


The narrative picks up on October 8, 2016, the day after Trump's "Access Hollywood" tape was exposed to the world. We recently learned that the Trump campaign went into major damage control mode right about then, and that there were conversations involving Hope Hicks and Michael Cohen, trying to make sure the rumored pee tape didn't come out. They also flew into action on the Stormy Daniels story, because they heard Daniels was going to go public.

For instance, the night of October 8, Hicks called Michael Cohen, and Donald Trump got on the phone too. They talked for four minutes. ("I believe" and "my attribution" below refer to the agent who drew up the original warrant for the raid on Cohen's office and home and hotel room and probably spider hole.)

Immediately after, the warrant states there was another call between Hicks and Cohen, and then Cohen called David Pecker, the head of AMI, publisher of the National Enquirer, who was deep in the scheme to protect candidate Trump from ladies telling stories about his little "P" pecker. Then Cohen called Pecker AGAIN. Then Dylan Howard, chief content officer for AMI, called Cohen. All this happened before 8:00 PM.

Then Cohen called Hope Hicks again:

Calls, calls, calls, call, calls! Cohen to Hicks, Pecker to Cohen, Cohen to ... TRUMP! Two more calls from Howard to Cohen, and then a text to Cohen saying "Keith will do it." (Keith is Keith Davidson, who was Stormy Daniels's lawyer.) Cohen responded at 3:31 AM the next morning to say thank you. Eight minutes after that, Cohen texted Howard again to let him know that "Resolution Consultants LLC is the name of the entity I formed a week ago." That appears to be the name of the first LLC Cohen formed for booby peener payoffs, before he dissolved it like a week later and formed Essential Consultants LLC, which became his vehicle for both booby peener payoffs and selling influence to the Trump administration, including to some creep-ass Russians.

So let the record show that after a night of back-and-forthing with the AMI people and Trump and Hope Hicks, Cohen sexted the name of his booby peener payoff LLC to AMI.

On October 10, 2016, they started calling the booby peener payoff a "business opportunity" in their texts:

Art of the Fuckin' Deal right there, yo.

Remember, of course, that AMI already had a "business opportunity" to help smush the story of Trump's affair with Karen McDougal, and now they were all cahoots-ing to smush the Stormy Daniels story too.

The next few pages deal with Cohen's attempts to get his house in order so that he could transfer the booby peener payoff to Davidson, but we'll skip that to get to the good parts about Donald Trump being a criminal again. Basically, Cohen wasn't moving fast enough, and the Davidson/Stormy Daniels camp was threatening to go public.

On October 17, 2016, Keith Davidson texted Cohen threatening to cancel the agreement they had made, and that "touched off a flurry" of communications! A flurry! After Dylan Howard texted Cohen at 4:43 PM to say he heard Stormy Daniels was going to go public in the Daily Mail, Cohen tried to call Trump at 5:03 PM. It was an eight second phone call. The story came out on TheSmokingGun website instead, but without confirmation from Stormy Daniels.

On October 25, 2016, there was another flurry! Keith Davidson needed to talk to Cohen urgently! The next morning, October 26, Cohen called Donald Trump two times, and a few minutes later, he started getting his bank account shit in order with Essential Consultants LLC, in order to do some booby peener payoffs. It was crazy! He had to wire money from his home equity line of credit into his new booby peener payoff account, he had to work with the bank and tell them lies about what his booby peener payoff account was really for (booby peener payoffs), and he had to go back and forth with those dildos at AMI and Stormy Daniels's lawyer!

But it all got sorted. Cohen did the booby peener payoff on October 27, 2016, Cohen talked to Trump the next morning, and there were lots of reassuring texts between Cohen and the dildos in those days, saying the deal is done, everybody relax, the lady porner has been booby peener payoffed. The night of October 28, Cohen got a message from Daniels's lawyer saying, "I assure you. We are very good." After that, Cohen talked to Hope Hicks on the phone FOR SOME REASON.

At one point on November 1, 2016, after the money had been delivered, and after the NDAs had been signed, Cohen tried to call Trump in the evening, but couldn't get him. So he called Kellyanne Conway but he couldn't get through. But at 7:44 PM she called back, and there was a six minute conversation between Cohen and Kellyanne Conway. Or maybe she handed the phone to Trump. Oh well, whatever! Kellyanne Conway, you guilty too? We are just asking.

It all blew up again on November 4 when the Wall Street Journal published a story about AMI paying Karen McDougal off to keep her silent. She was also repped by Keith Davidson, because of course. And who else was Cohen coordinating with during this trying time? Oh Hope Hicks, you have been BAD!

They couldn't get McDougal to disavow the story, they couldn't get her to say anything, and as for Trump? "He's pissed," Cohen told Dylan Howard over at AMI. And Dylan Howard was like I AM PISSED TOO! And he said "Pecker is pissed" and "Keith is pissed," and oh boy everybody was just PISSED that the Wall Street Journal was about to publish this story that night! Why were they gonna publish if everybody was agreeing to deny the story? "Because there is the payment from AMI. It looks suspicious at best." (That's Dylan Howard, texting Michael Cohen.)

Later that night, they all continued going back and forth, with Cohen calling Hope Hicks, and Cohen texting Dylan Howard to say Trump had just tried to call David Pecker and WHERE IS DAVID and OMG WHAT A NORMAL PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN THIS IS RIGHT NOW! Then the story was published at 9:50 PM:

Hooray! Nobody cared about the story! Hope Hicks said, "Keep praying!! It's working!" (It did not ultimately work.) We guess Hicks was doing some kind of ritual prayer whackadoodle nonsense in Trump Tower, to keep the story about AMI doing booby peener payoffs to the Playboy lady to keep her from squawking about her extramarital affair with Donald Trump from gaining much traction in the news. Cohen reassured Hicks that morning (November 5) that even if the story did take off, he had this statement from Stormy Daniels saying that all the other bitches be lyin', because that is a thing he had, because Keith Davidson gave him it.

After the election, and in January 2017, once the story of the Stormy Daniels payoff started to break, Michael Cohen started doing his own cover-ups, drafting statements absolving Donald Trump of all guilt and involvement.

Can we please take a moment right here to note yet again that Michael Cohen is sitting for prison like this, and he's the ONLY ONE? Meanwhile, everything we just read shows a whole buncha fuckton of people who were in on this, and all of them are free. One of them, the one who directed the crime, and for whose benefit the crime was committed, is in the Oval Office. That is fucked up.


Here's what Donald Trump's lie-lawyer Jay Sekulow had to say about all of this yesterday, before the docs were released:

Cohen has released a statement from prison:

So what the fuck is going on here? Cohen is obviously guilty, but a lot of other people are too. And we aren't even getting into the whole part about the Trump Organization booby peener payoff reimbursements to Michael Cohen, some of which were signed by Donald Trump Jr.

But yet the investigation is just all closed up and everything is fine now, and as CNN reported, the investigation started to go dark just after Bill Fucking Shit-Eating Cockwaffle Barr was confirmed as attorney general.

The amount of criminality we are forced to deal with each and every day in Trump's America is astounding. We can only keep praying like a common Hope Hicks that one day soon, there will be justice. (And we hope our prayers don't suck like hers, because hers obviously sucked and God hated them.)

And we ask one more time: SDNY, are you OK? Blink once for "mostly," blink twice for "OH SHIT BILL BARR IS GOING TO DUTCH OVEN US AGAIN."

[Michael Cohen warrants]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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