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No sooner had we published our second-to-last piece, on Adam Schiff's House Intelligence Committee requesting documents from Trump lawyers and lawyers representing Trump's fucked up family, than the White House had fired off yet another letter, this time to House Judiciary Committee Chair Jerry Nadler, telling him to take all his investigations and fuck right off.

Not only does White House Counsel Pat Cipollone -- yet another real lawyer who's decided his own professional reputation can fuck right off, because everything Donald Trump touches turns into a gaping hole of sadness and failure -- write that Judiciary doesn't have the right to investigate Trump's crimes, because its investigation is "duplicative" of what Robert Mueller investigated, and laughably assert that Mueller's investigation cleared Trump of all Russian and obstruction crimes based on the legal standard of "Because Bill Barr Said So," Cipollone also asserts something we've heard approximately 1,000 times in the last 24 hours. (Emphasis ours in all forthcoming block quotes.)

Lost in the Committee's legally indefensible rush to recommend a contempt citation is the reality that the Committee has not articulated any proper legislative purpose for pursuing inquiries that duplicate matters that were the subject of the Special Counsel's inquiry. Congressional investigations are intended to obtain information to aid in evaluating potential legislation, not to harass political opponents or to pursue an unauthorized "do-over" of exhaustive law enforcement investigations conducted by the Department of Justice.

Under the circumstances, the appropriate course is for the Committee to discontinue the inquiry discussed in the March 4 letter.

LOLOLOLOLOL, what lawyerly bluster for a letter full of such dogshit! (Worth noting that Jerry Nadler's reaction was approximately the same, though he said it nicer.)


So basically, we have Pat Cipollone Congress-splaining TO CONGRESS the question of "What is Congress," and getting it mindfuckingly wrong. And he's using very authoritative words that are just sure to scare the (better) lawyers on the House Judiciary Committee, you betcha!

Cipollone is saying is that the only thing that falls under the purview of a "legislative purpose" is for Congress to sit there and look cute and pass laws related to national speed limits. Maybe they are allowed to rename national parks after cool, recently deceased Americans. BUT NOTHING ELSE. Of course, the part about how Congress's inquiries amount to an "unauthorized do-over" is pretty funny, because whose permission, pray tell Pat Cipollone, has Congress failed to obtain? And of course he's either full of shit or lying about what the Mueller Report found, but it's worth noting that when he refers to DOJ investigations that are OVER AND DONE WITH, he's talking about an investigation where the current sitting shithole human Attorney General Bill Barr has already decided that a sitting president cannot be held accountable for the hundreds of pages of Trump crimes listed in the Mueller Report.

So the DOJ can't hold Trump accountable.

And the Congress can't hold Trump accountable.

Can GOD even hold Trump accountable? Or if Jesus Christ came back to earth upon a cloud and shoehorned a subpoena up Trump's asshole, would Pat Cipollone write a fancy Nancy letter to OUR LORD AND SAVIOR too?

As Nadler remarked:

They say the Justice Department cannot hold him accountable since a sitting president can't be indicted, and now they're saying Congress cannot hold a president accountable. This is ridiculous — it would make the president above the law and of course we totally reject it.

We bring this up for two reasons. One, of course, is that it just happened, which means it is the news, and what is Wonkette if not A WAR BLOG the news? But secondly, as we noted, we've been hearin' this a lot the past day, and it's just breathtaking realizing that this -- this -- is actually Trump's legal strategy, to argue that Congress is simply not allowed to Do Stuff, if the stuff Congress wants to Do is Stuff that chaps the president's tender asshole.

As we mentioned above, Adam Schiff's Intelligence Committee is being stonewalled on document requests from Trump lawyers. Check out what Trump lawyer Jay Sekulow's lawyer (so many layers of lawyers!), speaking for the whole class, had to say about why Schiff is not allowed to have documents:

In a statement on Tuesday on behalf of the group, Patrick Strawbridge, who represents Mr. Sekulow, accused Mr. Schiff of ginning up a conflict. [...]

The lawyers raised other objections in response to Mr. Schiff's initial request, writing that the inquiry "appears to be far afield from any proper legislative purpose."

Do we hear an echo in here? We're about to hear one again, because let's go to Trump lawyer William Consovoy, arguing in court yesterday in front of a truly stunned DC District Court Judge Amit Mehta that Elijah Cummings and the House Oversight Committee aren't allowed to get Trump's financial records and tax records from his accountants at Mazars, because here's why:

"Say for example if a president had a financial interest in a particular piece of legislation that was being considered … in your view Congress could not investigate whether a president has a conflict of interest?" Mehta wondered.

"It would lack legitimate legislative purpose," replied Consovoy, who argued that any attempt by Congress to determine whether a president was acting outside the law was improper because it's the job of law enforcement, not lawmakers.

It's like they're all circle-jerking in the same AOL chat room, isn't it?

Mehta couldn't even get Consovoy to agree that either the Watergate OR WHITEWATER investigations were legal for Congress to conduct, because that would throw a flaming dick right in the middle of the hilarious legal "theory" he's being paid by Trump (or not paid by Trump, let's not assume Trump has paid his bill) to embarrass himself in court arguing.

This is really where we are. This is how full of shit the president of the United States really is. This is how stupid our life is now.

We can only hope and pray that the rest of the judges the Trump administration goes in front of in coming days get as much of a kick out of this dumbfuckery as Judge Mehta did in DC yesterday.

[Talking Points Memo / ibid. / New York Times / Politico]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

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Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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