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Well! The affidavit from Michael Avenatti's client Julie Swetnick, which comes this close to outright accusing Brett Kavanaugh of gang raping her personally, and even closer to saying he participated in drugging and gang raping girls in high school -- and by "even closer," we mean her affidavit straight up says it -- is starting to ricochet around Washington, and apparently also in New York, where Donald Trump is fucking himself on the world stage for all the United Nations' amusement.

Trump's reaction? Let's just say his Yeti Pubes are BURNING IN RAGE and his weird little Nintendo mushroom weenus is ... well it's probably just flopping around his granny panties like it always is, but we bet if he were a younger man, it would be mad too.


Uh oh, Michael Avenatti, Donald Trump said your name, we bet you are very SKEERED!

Of course, as we all know, Avenatti ain't give a shit, but Trump must be SO MAD right now, if he's calling Avenatti's name, which is something Trump never does. Either that, or he's so mad he put his Twitter phone all the way up his butt so his handlers couldn't take it from him to prevent him from saying something stupid. Keep talking, Trump! Tell us more about the "false acquisitions" Michael Avenatti is always making against you! Trust that very large gut of yours!

Avenatti has, of course, already responded:

God, he is sassy. And he has the benefit of being correct, so there's that.

Trump spoke to reporters today while meeting with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, and whined about Avenatti being a "Democrat lawyer," and said Democrat senators are willing to do these "false acquisitions" to anybody, except maybe Shinzo Abe, because Shinzo Abe was sitting right there, and why would Democrat senators make up false acquisitions about Shinzo Abe, he's just such a nice guy, and we dunno the rest, because MSNBC's Katy Tur cut away from Trump because who the fuck cares what that bastard says.

Meanwhile, over on Capitol Hill, the president's very best boy Lindsey Graham, whose conscience is in heaven right now telling God about FIVE AND HALF YEARS ALAN, has released a statement indicating he is just HET THE FUCK UP over this new strumpet lady who thinks she can say naughty allegations about the Virgin Saint Brett Of Kavanaugh, upon whose arms flocks of birds land, and over whom quite frankly Lindsey Graham is a little bit swoon-y, in the least gay way possible. He just doesn't think Kavanaugh should have his LIFE RUINED (by not getting to be on SCOTUS, which is apparently his birthright) by some lady who probably was asking for it anyway.

No really, Graham's statement is that gross.

"Well I never," Lindsey Graham seems to be saying. "How dare you besmirch the name of a good Christian man like Brett Kavanaugh! Why, that hussy was probably displaying her bosoms like a common Suzanne Sugarbaker!"

Graham is obviously very in a tizzy about Michael Avenatti, who is threatening Graham's real dad Trump and his new crush Brett with these accusations. Moreover, he doesn't understand why Swetnick would have kept hanging around such scalawags if they were being so terrible, but you know, instead of doing some research on why women and teenage girls often don't report, or on prep school rape culture in general, Lindsey Graham is just gonna go with calling her a lying whore, because Lindsey's gonna Lindsey.

A few minutes ago, Senator Jeff Flake hit the Senate floor to give one of his famous "Give me liberty or give me ... THE OPPOSITE OF THAT!" speeches, where he acts like he's going to say something but then he doesn't say something, and the world is exactly the same as it was before he stopped talking. Meh.

To be entirely fair though:

As for Brett Kavanaugh, he says he doesn't even know Julie Swetnick and that these allegations are "ridiculous and from the Twilight Zone." Guess we'll have to check his high school calendar for "GOIN' TO JUDGE'S HOUSE FOR TWILIGHT ZONE MARATHON," which we probably would have overlooked otherwise.

We'd believe him, except for how he's a fucking liar and doesn't deserve our deference.

Probably not the first time he's heard this and almost certainly won't be the last, but PULL THE FUCK OUT, BRETT.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Nancy Pelosi is making news again today after her weekly press conference, mostly because she said this about yesterday's nutbag performance from President Stable Genius:

[T]his time, another temper tantrum — again — I pray for the President Of The United States. I wish him and his family, his administration and staff would have an intervention for the good of the country.

She prays for him. And she's just kind of suggesting that maybe the president is unwell, in his brain. She's being very subtle!

When Glenn Thrush asked afterward what kind of "intervention" she might be talking about, she suggested that Article 25 would be just fine.

But many folks out there right now are saying "BUT WHAT ABOUT INPEACH! They are not going to do an intervention, because the intervention is called INPEACH!" (They are taking her words very literally, it would seem.) Every other damn day lately, there is news about how "NANCY SAID INPEACH IS BAD" or "NANCY SAID TRUMP'S ACTIONS IS SELF-INPEACH-ATORY, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN, NANCY!" and whatever else, we don't know, because we have muted all of Twitter until further notice. (Here is some news about the House Democrats' weekly meeting yesterday, most of which was about Democrats yelling INPEACH! while Nancy Pelosi gave them cold showers.)

Here's the thing:

In today's presser, Pelosi was clearer than ever about her feelings on impeachment -- she doesn't like it, and she'd really hate for the nation to get to a place where that's inevitable, she is just saying it would be truly terrible for them to have to do that -- but they might just be FORCED to go there. And wouldn't that be just terrible? Nancy Pelosi is praying about that just like she is praying for Trump, under a big oak tree that casts all the shade she threw at Donald Trump for her entire fucking presser.

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Happy Throwback Thursday! Remember Paul Manafort? He's still in jail, don't worry. But it looks like he might be getting some company soon from his old pal Stephen Calk, who just got indicted today by the Southern District of New York.

Calk was a simple CEO and COB at the Federal Savings Bank of Chicago, but he had big dreams. He'd been an army pilot and a money guy, so he figured he was competent to be either Secretary of Treasury or Secretary of Army. He'd take Commerce or HUD, or even a cool ambassadorship to France, or the UK, or the UN -- he wasn't picky. Just any old position befitting a guy who is 100 percent going to be played by Michael McKean in the movie version of this nightmare.

Luckily Calk knew a guy on the inside. Sure that guy had recently been You're Fired from the Trump campaign for ratfucking the Ukrainian election, but Paul Manafort was still waving his bits all over Trumpland in the summer and fall of 2016, so Paul Manafort had the hookup that Calk needed. Luckily, Calk had what Manafort needed, which was MONEY. Manafort's fountain of untaxed cash had dried up since the Ukrainians gave his guy Viktor Yanukovych the boot, and he was in danger of losing multiple investment properties to foreclosure. So naturally Calk stepped up to the plate with $15 million in loans to keep the wolves at bay, because what are friends with more political ambition than scruple for, right?

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