You Can't Break Up With Trump, North Korea! He's Breaking Up With You First!
How do you say "Womp Womp" in Korean?
No more spring break in Pyongyang, kids! The Trump-Kim summit in Singapore is OFF! Look, President Good Words drafted this Dear Kim letter all by himself!
We were informed that the meeting was requested by North Korea, but that is totally irrelevant. I was very much looking forward to being there with you. Sadly, based on the tremendous anger and open hostility displayed in your most recent statement, I feel it is inappropriate, at this time, to have this long-planned meeting. Therefore, please let this letter serve to represent that the Singapore summit, for the good of both parties, but to the detriment of the world, will not take place. You talk about your nuclear capabilities, but ours are so massive and powerful that I pray to God they will never have to be used.
It was gonna be so rad. They already printed up those sweet coins and everything. You guys could have had a Trump Tower in Pyongyang and made so much money. But it's fine. Whatever!
Maybe add a mushroom cloud?
Now we're not saying that Trump is WRONG to pull out of the summit with Kim Jong Un. Indeed, Kim's representatives have been getting pretty salty of late.
"Whether the U.S. will meet us at a meeting room or encounter us at nuclear-to-nuclear showdown is entirely dependent upon the decision and behavior of the United States," says #DPRK Vice Foreign Minister Choe Son-hui.
— Steve Herman (@W7VOA) May 24, 2018
"We can also make the U.S. taste an appalling tragedy it has neither experienced nor even imagined up to now," claims the #DPRK vice foreign minister in statement carried by KCNA.
— Steve Herman (@W7VOA) May 24, 2018
North Korea on @AmbJohnBolton : "We shed light on the quality of Bolton already in the past and we do not hide our feeling of repugnance towards him."
— Anna Fifield (@annafifield) May 16, 2018
Well, that last one is just true. But GOLLY! Who could have predicted that a country entirely dependent on its nuclear deterrent would refuse to unilaterally disarm in exchange for a delightful meeting with a guy who called their leader Little Rocket Man for two straight years?
So how bad did our dipshit president get rolled? PRETTY BAD!
Six months ago, North Korea was almost totally isolated. Their only ally was China, which imposed intermittent pressure to keep a lid on the nuclear program. Kim Jong Un desperately wanted recognition as a major world leader, which he got when Mr. One Page Briefing jumped at an offer of a meeting.
AND THEN TRUMP BRAGGED ABOUT IT! As if he'd been a super genius, as opposed to an illiterate dupe.
Sleepy Eyes Chuck Todd of Fake News NBC just stated that we have given up so much in our negotiations with North Korea, and they have given up nothing. Wow, we haven’t given up anything & they have agreed to denuclearization (so great for World), site closure, & no more testing!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 22, 2018
Once Trump invited Kim to sit at the cool kids' table, everyone else treated him like one of the gang, too. Kim got his meeting with South Korean President Moon Jae-In, and a romantic walk on the beach with Chinese President Xi Jinping.
And what a stroke of luck! The North Koreans already had a used-up nuclear site with "tired mountain syndrome" -- we shit you not. Here's the satellite image of the elevation change at Mount Mantap, turned into a GIF at ArmsControlWonk.com.
Would hundreds of international reporters like to take a 12-hour ride on a windowless train, hike through the woods for two hours, hand over their radiation detectors, and watch the North Koreans blow up a nuclear test site that was already destroyed by earthquakes? They would!
Which is all well and good, except the North Koreans NEVER had any intention of giving up the functioning parts of their nuclear program. But they can spot a patsy! So they took the good publicity and a seat at the table with their neighbors, and then told Trump to get fucked.
Naturally, Donald Trump knows who is to blame for this debacle. AND IT IS THE CHINESE! Per the New York Times,
Mr. Trump suggested that the Chinese president had egged on the younger and less experienced Mr. Kim in taking a harder line, possibly to strengthen China’s own hand in trade talks with the United States.
“There was a different attitude by the North Korean folks after that meeting,” Mr. Trump said Tuesday as he met with South Korea’s president, Moon Jae-in, to discuss strategy toward the North. “I can’t say that I’m happy about it.”
Well, he's half right. Donald Trump yanked down his pants and exposed his own ass. But the Chinese are happy to spank it for him! Because now they're holding the North Korean card in the escalating tariff confrontation President Wharton bumbled into.
Mr. Trump also called Mr. Xi a “world-class poker player,” a backhanded compliment for a world leader whom Mr. Trump has called a friend and a partner in enforcing international sanctions on the North over its nuclear weapons program.
Gosh, we were lead to believe this was going to be a walk in the park!
When a country (USA) is losing many billions of dollars on trade with virtually every country it does business with, trade wars are good, and easy to win. Example, when we are down $100 billion with a certain country and they get cute, don’t trade anymore-we win big. It’s easy!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 2, 2018
Will the GOP Asskissing Caucus being withdrawing its nomination of our Fearless Leader for a Nobel Prize?
But you can still get that Presidential Commemorative Coin, to remind you of what might of have been.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.