You Know When You Wake Up Mad At The Witches Who Live Two Doors Down For Something They Did In Your Dream?

State/Local Politics
You Know When You Wake Up Mad At The Witches Who Live Two Doors Down For Something They Did In Your Dream?

Hey dreamer, what are you dreaming about?

Wonkette readers, introduce yourselves politely and carefully to Rachel Hamm, a Republican who would like to be the next secretary of state of California. Though, when you hear her story, what powers she has, what deities obey her commands, we won't blame you for thinking she ought to aim higher than secretary of state.

Hamm's announcement video is all scaremongering and bullshit lying about voter fraud, and it starts with a clip of the biggest liar God ever spat out of heaven. (Do we mean DEVIL? No, we mean Donald Trump.) Her entire platform is that elections are RIGGED! and that is definitely a concern in California, a state that came thisclose to going for Trump last time around.

And all of that is fine and great, but really, jackass white ladies with that Karen look on their faces complaining to the manager about Black people voting voter fraud are a fuckin' dime a dozen these days. You seen one? You seen 'em all. Can't tell white people apart, neither.

But how many GOP candidates dreamed a dream of telling Jesus to go arson murder some witches who live two doors down and Jesus was like "fuck yeah witch arson murder"? Definitely not more than five.

Here's the witch vanquisher, live and in person:

And here is some transcript for you:

HAMM: We were staying in a hotel, and my parents were staying here with our children.

Scene set. Hamm and her husband are in hotel. Her parents are at their house, babysitting.

And I am a prophetic dreamer.

And she is a prophetic dreamer.

That means I see things in my dreams before they happen. God speaks to me through my dreams and shows me things.

She and God, they're pretty tight.

So I wake up in an Irvine hotel, and I have just had a dream that someone has tried to break into my home, murder me and light my house on fire.

That is a bad dream!

OK, so I wake up and I'm like [whooshing breath sound]! My heart's beating, I'm sweating. So I wake up and I pray.

"Dear Lord please make the scary dreams go away, for I do not like them one bit"? No it was a different prayer.

I use my authority in Jesus name and say no, nobody is going break into my home, or murder me, or light my house on fire, or harm me in any way!

She had to do that prayer, because remember she is a prophetic dreamer, so she's gotta make sure to rebuke whatever bad dreams she has in Jesus's name, just in case they were going to come true.

Does she have to rebuke bad dreams about showing up to give a speech on exam day with no clothes on and you realize you don't know what speech you're supposed to give and you don't know where your classroom even is and you don't know the material for the exam because you have forgotten COMPLETELY to go to high school and now somebody is chasing you and you could totally get away except for how your feet no longer are capable of running?

That could come true, you don't know.

In Jesus's name, I pray and I do what I know to do, and I get a peace [we think? — unless she meant "piece" and she means she boned her husband real fast, in which case get it!], and I go back to sleep.

Did we mention people are cheering for her story already by this point?

I wake up in the morning and I call home and my mom says [...] you are not gonna believe what happened last night. You know the witches, the self-proclaimed witches, that live two doors down?

You know them, the witches. There's one on every street, the house full of witches.


Well, someone broke into their house, murdered her, and lit the house on fire.

Murdered just one of them? And lit the house on fire? Right after the murder, at the house full of witches?


And Rachel Hamm was like EXCUSE ME?

Now I of course was like excuse me, what did you just say?

That's right, she was like EXCUSE ME?

Something you should know is that part of using your authority in Jesus name, is when I was praying against what I saw in my dream, I said if anyone has sent that to me, if someone has intended to break into my house and kill me and light my house on fire then I not only will not receive that but I am sending that right back to them in Jesus's name.

You should know that if Rachel Hamm has a bad dream where something bad happens to her, she will tell the Prince of Peace to murder whoever is out there thinking of making that bad thing happen. And the Prince of Peace will be fine with that.

But even Rachel Hamm didn't realize her dream prayers were that powerful.

OK! Well I didn't even know how much authority I had in that situation, until I called my mom and found out that the very thing I had just dreamed that someone was trying to do to me had happened to them.

And now she knows, whoa if true, and if this person fails to become secretary of state of California, we reckon we might begin to suspect she doesn't actually have the powers she claims to have.

Which should be QUITE a relief for any remaining witches in her neighborhood.


The end.

[h/t JoeMyGod]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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