And stay there

[contextly_sidebar id="g8OB2SR3pVqLLW7VvdkPHYqox86iPgbg"]Last year, we heard some devastating whoa if true horror stories about Planned Parenthood. Undercover videos released by a group of "pro-life" terrorist-sympathizer scumbags called the Center for Medical Progress, led by cock rash James O'Keefe wannabe David Daleiden, confirmed the goriest fantasies of "pro-lifers": that the worse-than-Hitler baby butchers were tricking stupid pregnant ladies into not wanting their joy bundles, stealing babies from unsuspecting wombs, and then chop shopping them on the black market, for fun and profit and fancy sports cars.

Terrible stuff, except none of it was true. Literally, none of it.

Oh, we watched the videos, like Carly Fiorina demanded. We watched Planned Parenthood president (and all-around badass lady hero) Cecile Richards calmly testify to a congressional committee that no, Planned Parenthood is not making a trazillion dollars from selling baby parts, to build an even bigger better abortionplex. (If only. We would totally go to that abortionplex and dance in the disco there all night long.)

We watched state after state conduct investigations into Planned Parenthood clinics -- even clinics that not only don't participate in fetal tissue research, but don't even perform abortions at all -- only to be told, again, that yup, Planned Parenthood is on the up and up, doing safe and legal and affordable healthcare to ladies, like it says and like we already knew.

But here's a delicious plot twist and delightful case of Careful What You Wish For, You Miserable Fucking Fucks. The pro-lifers' evil scheme to bring down Planned Parenthood has come back to bite them right on their blood-stained hands, according to Houston Chronicle reporter Brian M. Rosenthal:

Isn't that so rain-on-your-wedding-day ironic, DON'T YOU THINK? Yeah, we really do think. Oh, would you like a cherry on top of that schadenfreude sundae? Here ya go:

And one more:

Awwww, how sad for them. All they wanted to do was undermine American women's access to affordable healthcare so they do not suffer from crotch-rot itchies or die from ladyparts cancer. They tried so hard. They stole photographs of stillborn babies. They used stock footage of miscarried fetuses and pretended they were from Planned Parenthood when they weren't. They shopped their videos around to all their "pro-life" besties in Congress and everything! And yet Planned Parenthood has been vindicated, AGAIN, while these stank-ass spunk wads are looking at decades of rotting in prison, for committing actual crimes, with very serious and even deadly consequences.

Meanwhile, Texas governor and human skidmark Greg Abbott says the state will continue to investigate Planned Parenthood for the crime of being Planned Parenthood because investigating Planned Parenthood is one of the state's favorite pastimes, after guns guns guns guns guns and more guns.

Enjoy prison, Daleiden and accomplices, if you are found guilty -- and holy tap-dancing Christ on a splintered cross, we pray that you are. And after that? Enjoy hell.

[Brian Rosenthal, Houston Chronicle]

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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