Your Handy Wonkette Guide To How You Should Feel About Edward Snowden
It has beennearly a month since Edward Snowden woke us from our pleasant dream that the Fourth Amendment was still a thing, yet amazingly, the NSA's legal-sure-why-not data suck-and-swallow is still a major story. Yr Wonkette loves the taste of crow, so we are fine admitting we were slightly off-base about Snowden being an annoying fame-whore; we are apparently not as smart as Edward Snowden and didn't understand at first that the chances of NSA sticking as a major national story are increased if Snowden himself is compelling and polarizing. Heck, maybe that's why he's continually releasing stuff that doesn't have anything to do with domestic surveillance, such as that we spy on China, and oh, everyone else, too, even our allies (especially them, the bastards!), as Der Spiegel reported on Sunday. Maybe Snowden is just trying to keep "winning the morning."
But maybe you're still not sure how you feel about him, so why not let yr Wonkette do your feeling for you? All you have to do is tell us WHAT ARE YOU?
- "I do not want the terrorists to win, and I don't do anything wrong or look at unconventional porn, even!" You hate Edward Snowden for obvious reasons, except maybe you like him a little bit because you do not care for this Obama whom Snowden is irritating. On the other hand, here's a great opportunity to pretend you're not rabidly partisan because you can say "Hey I agree with Obama on this one!"
- "I really don't think the US should be building this kind of infrastructure to collect all this information! Even if it stops an attack, the risks of abuse are too great." You love Edward Snowden for obvious reasons. However, you might as well forget about it because this shit is here to stay. Please just don't vote for Rand Paul, OK?
- "I don't like that the trade-off between my privacy and my security is being negotiated in secret, but maybe something like PRISM could work with the right guarantees, if it's actually stopping people from getting blowed up." You like Edward Snowden because he's made this into a long-lived national story, something previous NSA whistle-blowers couldn't do (because they didn't have sexy girlfriends), but maybe you're not terribly happy that he's decided to release so much stuff that's not pertinent to US civil liberties, just because he apparently doesn't think anyone should spy, ever, and he believes this so vehemently that he's prepared to... hide in a country that's run autocratically by a former KGB director. Maybe you wish Edward Snowden were less ridiculous.
- "I hate the United States, and I think we should live in a stateless society where blah blah blah." You love Edward Snowden. Also, you're an idiot.
- "There aren't many countries in the world that I'd trust to wield the NSA's powers, but the US is one of them. However, the very existence of Edward Snowden shows we need to reconsider who has access to these programs and the information they unearth." How do Obama's balls taste, Patriot? Also, not a bad point. You don't have strong feelings about Edward Snowden because this is the Best Of All Possible Worlds anyway, so why bother?
- "I don't really give a shit about politics, I just love reading about spy stuff and ridiculous people." You love Edward Snowden, because he is about spy stuff AND is ridiculous. We've already mentioned his fleeing the US to hide in autocratic countries because Freedom, his pole-dancing super-hero girlfriend, and his quaint notions about espionage, but did you know he also thinks the US should return to the gold standard? At least he did in 2009, which shows that really smart people can be really fucking wrong about stuff, too.
There you go, hope it was helpful. Are there other ways to feel about Edward Snowden, you may ask? No, there are not.