Your James Comey Firing Shitshow! Wonkagenda For Wed., May 10, 2017
Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the (almost exclusively) James Comey fallout stories we may be talking about today!
- READ THIS FIRST! Sean Spicer was literally hiding in bushes not knowin' nuthin'!
- OMG! Trump fired FBI Director James Comey last night because Hillary Clinton's emails threatened to Benghazi raid his ALLEGED Russian pee hooker fetish during the campaign.
- Trump has tweeted himself into maximum over-Drudge this morning, screaming into the ether about confidence and credibility, two things he knows nothing about.
- Senate Intelligence Chairman Richard Burr is threatening to issue subpoenas if Trump's team doesn't turn over the documents it's undoubtedly trying to destroy.
- Concerned that the Trump-Russia investigation may be in jeopardy, Congress people are screaming for a special prosecutor, including Justin Amash and "Cryin'" Chuck Schumer.
- Upon hearing that their jolly giant boss was "You're Fired," FBI agents were in shock and literally began crying. Some spies you are, you couldn't even illegally "wiretapp" the President for a heads-up? Amateurs.
- Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein is the guy who wrote the memo "suggesting" that Trump fire Comey, and now Rosenstein will oversee the Trump-Russia investigation. Nope, nothing out of the ordinary there!
- Kellyanne Conway was unearthed from her spider hole so that Anderson Cooper could call her a liar last night when she said Trump is definitely not trying to cover-up ALLEGED Russian hooker pee with old newspapers.
- Sensing the blood in the waters of Washington, CNN's sharks were out in force. David Gregory kicked Ken Cuccinelli right in the talking points, and later someone ripped Jeffery Lord off-camera for saying "this is not the Kremlin."
- Sarah Huckabee Sanders had a miserable morning when Joe and Mika basically called her A Idiot for trying to lie and spin her way out of Comey's firing.
- Spicey called Sally Yates a "strong supporter" of KKKillary Klinton and that's why she was "You're Fired," not because she said mean words about Mike Flynn.
- Virginia Rep. Tom Garret, a Freedom crazy, said he doesn't think Trump's power grab is as bad as the Nazis in Germany during a disastrous town hall yesterday that saw the removal of Obamacare supporters, a defense of President Kushner, and mixed messages on James Comey.
- Virginia Rep. Dave Brat TRIED to hold a town hall among all the boos and demands that he "stop using the Bible as a weapon."
- New Jersey Rep. Tom Frelinghuysen held his own town hall as a radio call-in but that didn't stop people from wondering how the hell they were supposed to afford TrumpCare/WealthCare.
- Trump and REXXON will meet with Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov later today, which is a little weird because the meeting originally had nothing to do with Trump, and was supposed to happen in Alaska as part of an Arctic Council meeting.
- Jeff Sessions wants to throw all you hippy liberal dopers in the slammer so he is going to instruct the Justice Department to prosecute drug crimes more severely.
- The director for the U.S. Census Bureau has abruptly resigned without explanation, but I'm willing to make a few assumptions about why a career civil servant would suddenly quit.
- Scott Gottlieb is your new FDA chief, a move that should be just gang busters for a pharmaceutical industry besieged with obnoxious life-saving regulations and review processes.
- Arkansas Sen. Tom Cotton wants to rip-up the "blue-slip" rule so that Mitch and the gang can pack the lower courts full of gay-hatin', god-fearing men who will throw all the baby killers in jail.
- Ben Carson woke up and praised federal workers, now that he's seen how much they actually bust their ass (unlike VA Secretary Dave Shulkin, who thinks they should be fired).
- Dan Heyman, a journalist, was arrested for asking Tom Price a question about domestic violence and the AHCA that really hurt his delicate fee-fees.
- The US stepped in and saved France from a dictator (AGAIN) when it warned Emmanuel Macron of possible hacking by Russians months ago.
- The Senate FINALLY finished encrypting all of its members' websites, arguably the last good and decent thing they've done in a year.
- Shaq might run for sheriff in Henry County, Florida. I don't think I need to make a joke here.
- Obama wasn't pulling any punches while speaking in Italy yesterday when he said, "You get the politicians you deserve," when you don't pay attention or participate in the democratic process. DAMN, Bamz is getting savage!
- And here's your late night wrap-up! The Daily Show wasn't surprised Trump didn't listen to a woman or a black guy; Seth Meyers explained fancy youth talkin'; Jimmy Kimmel had some thoughts about the firing of James Comey; James Cordon wondered what a Trump-themed soap opera would be like; Colbert had a splendid reunion with Jon Stewart, Rob Corddry, Ed Helmes, John Oliver and Sam Bee and a little flashback to olden'timey days.
- And here's your morning Nice Time! RED PANDAS!
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