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Hey-o, Saturday Wonkers, oh Jesus fuck, and we got our Cocktober Surprise, it is somehow Anthony Weiner rubbing all over Hillary Clinton's email "scandal." Don't you want to read about Anthony Weiner's dick a whole bunch more? OF COURSE NOT! But do read that link to get caught up on what's going on. And now we will get moving on our weekly top ten post, before Weiner Dicked Hillary.

BUT FIRST! We will shake you up for donations, because doing breaking Cocktober Surprise news is tough! So please to give us money and buy Hillary Clinton "nasty woman" t-shirts and onesies and tote bags. Wonkette will make it through the election, but we want to persevere long after that, so if you love us so much, won't you throw $5, $10, or $25 at our faces? It is the easiest. You pull out your wallet and you give us money. OR you pull out an envelope and stamp and send money to Wonkette, PO Box 8765, Missoula MT 59807. OR you could just do one of our "ad-fewer" subscriptions, where you only see glorious in-house ads, from our actual friends, instead of yucky-nasty ads that take over your mom's computer.

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YOU CANNOT EVEN RIGHT NOW

Shall we now count down the top 10 stories of the week, chosen as usual by Beyoncé, ALLEGEDLY? Yes we shall!

1. Look a story about how Jimmy John's is evil. It is from 2014, but that doesn't mean it's not still true!

2. Guys, we're pretty sure Joe Biden thinks Donald Trump is fucking stupid.

3. This Dinesh D'Souza tweet was too gross even for Dinesh D'Souza. OR WAS IT?

4. If this amazing Hillary Clinton ad doesn't make you cry, you are DEAD INSIDE.

5. Uh oh, there are two more Hillary scandals! Besides the one about Weiner's weiner! They are soooo bad, just kidding no they're not.

6. Trump's idiot campaign manager Kellyanne Conway wants more debates, because Donald Trump is so good at debates.

7. This "alt-right" dude is inside ladies' dreams, watching them have dream sex with Donald Trump!

8. Oprah needs to SPLAIN something to you dumb "undecided voters" out there.

9. Is Donald Trump just completely fucking OVER running for president at this point? Maybe not now, since there is a dumb new Hillary #email scandal!

10. And finally, last week's Deleted Comments was something about Wonkette's crackhead pretense of liberalism or something.

So there you go. Those are your top ten most clicked upon stories. They are very good stories!

OK, Wonkers, one more thing! Wonkette's US Elections Of America card game is finally here! Click here to read our unbiased review of it, and find out how you can get your own, to play with! Also, there are one million Wonkette Baby pictures in that post, so go read it for that, if for no other reason!

Oh, and sign up for our newsletter RIGHT NOW. Sorry, we guess that was a second "task."

 

Thank you for following our orders! As a special treat, here are new pictures of Wonkette Baby! She is doing art!

 

OK now go away, and stay away from Anthony Weiner's cock, for it is dangerous and gross.

Love,

Wonket

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Image: Marriott Hotels

Great GOP wordsmith Frank Luntz, the guy who gave us the "death tax" and who urged the George W. Bush administration to talk about "climate change" since it was less politically motivating than "global warming," did some more of his characteristic word magic today! While staying at the Hotel Imperial in Vienna, Austria, Luntz offered this cautionary tale about the evils of socialism, as illustrated by the shoddy conditions in a 5-star luxury hotel owned by Dubai's "Al Habtoor" conglomerate and operated by Marriott:

Talk about your grim hellholes! Apparently, there's only one elevator in the entire building, and it's been broken for three days, proving that European-style socialism is a failure that should never be imported to the USA, where -- damn it! -- all buildings work!

As some smartass pointed out, now Luntz may have to take the STAIRS, like a common Bolshevik!

We're still trying to get our heads around how a delay in getting an elevator fixed in a luxury hotel owned by the United Arab Emirati proprietors of Dubai's

  • Habtoor Grand Resort
  • Waldorf Astoria Dubai Palm Jumeirah
  • Habtoor Palace, LXR Hotels & Resorts
  • V Hotel, Curio Collection by Hilton
  • Hilton Dubai Al Habtoor City
  • Metropolitan Hotel Dubai
  • Al Habtoor Polo Resort

as well as

  • Imperial Hotel, a Luxury Collection Hotel, Vienna (Austria)
  • Hilton London Wembley (United Kingdom)
  • Hilton Beirut Habtoor Grand (Lebanon)
  • Hilton Beirut Metropolitan Palace (Lebanon)
  • President Abraham Lincoln Springfield – a DoubleTree by Hilton Hotel (United States)
  • InterContinental Budapest (Hungary)
  • The Ritz-Carlton, Budapest (Hungary)

is an example of the horrors of socialism, but then, we don't earn the big bucks like Luntz does. Austria is among the 14 richest countries in the world, so we're fairly certain it's not a commie hellhole. Then again, there is a very strong social safety net, so maybe people in subsidized housing stole all the elevator parts. Or perhaps the elevator would have been fixed sooner if only Austria didn't have such strong unions. It's a mystery.

Or maybe it's that NATIONAL socialism that's the problem, seeing as it has socialism RIGHT IN THE NAME!

Adolf Hitler, once a day labourer outside the Hotel Imperial Vienna, returned as the Führer and "delivered a speech to a rapturous crowd from [the hotel] suite's balcony, on 14 March 1938", according to www.famoushotels.org.

We suppose it's worth noting that the Imperial is decidedly not owned or operated by the Austrian government, where a far-Right coalition has recently imploded -- although maybe Luntz is confused about that, since official state guests are traditionally housed there. In any case, the elevator's busted, it's in Europe, Europe is socialist, and Frank Luntz is homesick for America, where no elevator ever goes unrepaired for an entire weekend. It simply has never happened because of our efficient free market!

Still, Luntz's tweet inspired some valuable reflections on how economic theory shapes the reality of everyday life. This is the kind of Austrian economics we can support.



In conclusion, capitalism always allocates resources efficiently and fairly, although that still doesn't explain why Frank Luntz has a job. And now it would be your DOKTOR ZOOM'S BIRTHDAY PARTY OPEN THREAD, if only the socialists would fix the elevator, the end.

Yr Wonkette is entirely supported by donations from you, the reader. Please send us money so socialists won't make us take the stairs.

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