GO AWAY.
Hey-o, Saturday Wonkers, oh Jesus fuck, and we got our Cocktober Surprise, it is somehow Anthony Weiner rubbing all over Hillary Clinton's email "scandal." Don't you want to read about Anthony Weiner's dick a whole bunch more? OF COURSE NOT! But do read that link to get caught up on what's going on. And now we will get moving on our weekly top ten post, before Weiner Dicked Hillary.
BUT FIRST! We will shake you up for donations, because doing breaking Cocktober Surprise news is tough! So please to give us money and buy Hillary Clinton "nasty woman" t-shirts and onesies and tote bags. Wonkette will make it through the election, but we want to persevere long after that, so if you love us so much, won't you throw $5, $10, or $25 at our faces? It is the easiest. You pull out your wallet and you give us money. OR you pull out an envelope and stamp and send money to Wonkette, PO Box 8765, Missoula MT 59807. OR you could just do one of our "ad-fewer" subscriptions, where you only see glorious in-house ads, from our actual friends, instead of yucky-nasty ads that take over your mom's computer.
Look, it's the traditional Wonkette Baby Donation Pressure Lion Of Cuteness, who is thankfully too young to have to deal with this weekend's stupid terrible news. She will help you decide how to give us money!
YOU CANNOT EVEN RIGHT NOW
Shall we now count down the top 10 stories of the week, chosen as usual by Beyoncé, ALLEGEDLY? Yes we shall!
1. Look a story about how Jimmy John's is evil. It is from 2014, but that doesn't mean it's not still true!
2. Guys, we're pretty sure Joe Biden thinks Donald Trump is fucking stupid.
3. This Dinesh D'Souza tweet was too gross even for Dinesh D'Souza. OR WAS IT?
4. If this amazing Hillary Clinton ad doesn't make you cry, you are DEAD INSIDE.
5. Uh oh, there are two more Hillary scandals! Besides the one about Weiner's weiner! They are soooo bad, just kidding no they're not.
6. Trump's idiot campaign manager Kellyanne Conway wants more debates, because Donald Trump is so good at debates.
7. This "alt-right" dude is inside ladies' dreams, watching them have dream sex with Donald Trump!
8. Oprah needs to SPLAIN something to you dumb "undecided voters" out there.
9. Is Donald Trump just completely fucking OVER running for president at this point? Maybe not now, since there is a dumb new Hillary #email scandal!
10. And finally, last week's Deleted Comments was something about Wonkette's crackhead pretense of liberalism or something.
So there you go. Those are your top ten most clicked upon stories. They are very good stories!
OK, Wonkers, one more thing! Wonkette's US Elections Of America card game is finally here! Click here to read our unbiased review of it, and find out how you can get your own, to play with! Also, there are one million Wonkette Baby pictures in that post, so go read it for that, if for no other reason!
Oh, and sign up for our newsletter RIGHT NOW. Sorry, we guess that was a second "task."
Thank you for following our orders! As a special treat, here are new pictures of Wonkette Baby! She is doing art!
OK now go away, and stay away from Anthony Weiner's cock, for it is dangerous and gross.
Love,
Wonket
