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Time for the super fastest rocket speediest top ten of EVER! Because you know why? Momma handed Evan the keys to the Jeep for all next week, because she is on vacation, and that means I AM BOSS OF ALL Y'ALL NEXT WEEK. That means I gotta drink up this weekend, I mean rest up, so I can BOSS YOU ALL.

Also, above you will see a picture of the most vicious Lula dog ever, and also her drool on the nice ottoman. She is rude.

Shall we count down the top ten stories of the week, chosen as usual by Beyoncé? Yes we shall:

10. Laura Ingraham Lets Her Tiki Torch Fly

9. Halp! Halp! The NRA Is Bein' Repressed!

8. What Horror Awaits As Soon As Trix Goes On Vacay? An Important Wonkette Poll Of Importance!

7. Congratulations On Being Born, Robert Mueller! We Made You An Elegant Blingee!

6. Imagine Needing To Rewrite History To Feel Good About Yourself

5. Polling Funtimes! HELL YEAH

4. Prions! The Proteins That Eat YOU!

3. Deleted Comments: How Many Lies Can One Wingnut Tell?

2. We Think We Know The Real Reason Trump Is Losing His Shit Over The Mueller Investigation Right Now

1. White Supremacists In Stupid Outfits Descend On Portland, For Whatever Reason.

So there you go. Those are your top ten most clicked upon stories, according to Beyoncé. They are very good stories!

OH HEY, one more thing. Know how Wonkette is fully funded by readers like you, like we mentioned above, and that's how we have salaries and servers and healthcare and liquor? If you want Wonkette to be here FOREVER, you gotta help us out, so won't you click here to do a $10 donation, or even better, a monthly subscription? WE LOVE YOU, YOU PAY OUR RENT. If you need more convincing, check out this story right here, about how it is THAT TIME OF THE MONTH, the one where we really need you to help us make ends meet.

Let's see ... anything else? NOPE.

OK this post is over now, goodbye.

Love,

Wonkette

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Earlier this week, the Ecuadorian embassy in the UK told Julian Assange that it would evict him if he didn't stop being a slob and start taking care of his cat. Assange responded today by announcing he is taking legal action and claiming Ecuador violated his human rights by making him do his own laundry and pay rent. (He is reminding us of THIS awesome dude, who sued his parents for refusing to live anymore with a dude as awesome as he.) Pretty soon they're going to tell him to do things like "get a job" and "move out." GAWD, parents and embassies offering asylum to scumbag freeloaders are just the worst!

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The bat signal has gone out in Trumpland, and the vampires are obediently flying in formation. This Khashoggi murder story isn't going away, but here in US Amurika we got bombs to sell. So the GOP Brain Trust called an emergency meeting and came up with A PLAN. What if Jamal Khashoggi was a terrorist who deserved to be beaten, dismembered with a bone saw, and have his body repatriated to Saudi Arabia in pieces distributed among his killers' luggage? Can Republicans really have sunk that far?

YES, THEY CAN. The Washington Post reports,

In recent days, a cadre of conservative House Republicans allied with Trump has been privately exchanging articles from right-wing outlets that fuel suspicion of Khashoggi, highlighting his association with the Muslim Brotherhood in his youth and raising conspiratorial questions about his work decades ago as an embedded reporter covering Osama bin Laden, according to four GOP officials involved in the discussions who were not authorized to speak publicly.

Those aspersions — which many lawmakers have been wary of stating publicly because of the political risks of doing so — have begun to flare into public view as conservative media outlets have amplified the claims, which are aimed in part at protecting Trump as he works to preserve the U.S.-Saudi relationship and avoid confronting the Saudis on human rights.

Wow, that's pretty fuckin' evil, even by the debased standards of today's GOP! But if that's what it takes to protect Trump and Kush, Fox is here to oblige. Here's Harris Faulkner on the curvy couch wondering if maybe Jared Kushner's BFF Mohammed bin Bonesaw even has time to order the murder of a dissident reporter since, "He's dealing with a whole host of other issues over there." He's probably too busy, like, washing his manly beard to murder people outside Saudi Arabia, right?

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