Your Weekly Top Ten Is Heralding The Beginning Of Spring, With Dick Jokes!
Look at Wonkette toddler right there! Doesn't she look SPRING-Y? That is because it is spring now, by which we mean yes we know spring officially began last month, but at least where we are, it is FINALLY WARM! Therefore we are going day-drinking and leaving you alone here, BRB. But not before we count down our top ten stories of the week!
First, let's pay the bills, because those are important. You see, we have no ads, therefore all our operating expenses and all our modest but livable salaries are paid by YOU! Yes, you right there, and you really are looking nice today. Wonkette is taking on new writers and trying to give raises to the ones who work eleventy-three hours a week already to tell you amazing stories, and we want to be able to do this MORE AND MORE, especially now that it's 2018 and we have a chance to TAKE THIS COUNTRY BACK! Or at least Congress!
So please please please sign up to do monthly donations, so we can grow and grow! Will you do that? They can be small monthly donations, medium monthly donations, or YOOGE monthly donations. It takes all kinds! We even take thousand dollar and million dollar donations, OR MONTHLY MILLION THOUSAND DOLLAR SUBSCRIPTIONS, like if you are a secret famous celebrity fan of Wonkette! Seriously, if you are able -- DO NOT MONEY US IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT -- then pull out your wallet and sign up to throw money on our face every month! You can also pull out an envelope and stamp and send money to Wonkette, PO Box 361, Polson MT 59860. Whatever, just please support us any way you can.
Another way you can do that is to BUY WONKETTE SWAG! There MANY products in Ye Olde Wonkette Generale Store! You are interested in purchasing them all!
Look, it's the traditional Wonkette Baby Donation Pressure Lion Of Cuteness, encouraging you to throw your wallets at us OW OW OW YOUR WALLET IS HEAVY LIKE A BRICK:
YOU CANNOT EVEN RIGHT NOW
Did we mention we love you?
We shall now count down the top 10 stories of the week, chosen as usual by Beyoncé:
1. It Was Sean Hannity, In Michael Cohen’s Office, With A Boner (ALLEGEDLY). And we are STILL LAUGHING.
2. HEY MICHAEL COHEN, SHOW US THAT FUCKIN’ PASSPORT AGAIN! What's that you were saying about PRAGUE?
3. World’s Stupidest Chuck Todd Beginning To Doubt Fox News’s Commitment To Sparkle Motion. Todd is the president of the League of Unnecessary Journalists, and also a client.
4. Michael Cohen Real Fucked. Well, he is!
5. Memphis Tells Tennessee Lege To Fuck Off In Most DELIGHTFUL Way. Oh man, we love our hometown.
6. Uh Oh, Donald Trump, Michael Cohen Gonna FUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU! Well, he is!
7. The Week In Garbage Men: Misogynists Dream Of Electric(al) Women, MGTOW Poetry And More! Your weekly and very popular Garbage Men column from Robyn!
8. Pizzagate Crazy Roseanne Fave Says Hillary Clinton Carved A Witch Face On A Lady’s Vagina. AND SO MUCH MORE! This lady is seriously disturbed.
9. A Unified Theory Of WHAT THE FUCK Michael Cohen And Sean Hannity! It Might Even Be Right! Got a better theory? COME AT US BRO.
10. Barbara Bush Dies At 92. We’re Sure It’s Working Out Very Well For Her. A fair-minded look at the recently departed former first lady!
So there you go. Those are your top ten most clicked upon stories, according to Beyoncé. They are very good stories!
OK bye! Going day-drinking like we said!
Yours in baby Jesus,
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.