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Look at Wonkette toddler right there! Doesn't she look SPRING-Y? That is because it is spring now, by which we mean yes we know spring officially began last month, but at least where we are, it is FINALLY WARM! Therefore we are going day-drinking and leaving you alone here, BRB. But not before we count down our top ten stories of the week!


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We shall now count down the top 10 stories of the week, chosen as usual by Beyoncé:

1. It Was Sean Hannity, In Michael Cohen’s Office, With A Boner (ALLEGEDLY). And we are STILL LAUGHING.

2. HEY MICHAEL COHEN, SHOW US THAT FUCKIN’ PASSPORT AGAIN! What's that you were saying about PRAGUE?

3. World’s Stupidest Chuck Todd Beginning To Doubt Fox News’s Commitment To Sparkle Motion. Todd is the president of the League of Unnecessary Journalists, and also a client.

4. Michael Cohen Real Fucked. Well, he is!

5. Memphis Tells Tennessee Lege To Fuck Off In Most DELIGHTFUL Way. Oh man, we love our hometown.

6. Uh Oh, Donald Trump, Michael Cohen Gonna FUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU! Well, he is!

7. The Week In Garbage Men: Misogynists Dream Of Electric(al) Women, MGTOW Poetry And More! Your weekly and very popular Garbage Men column from Robyn!

8. Pizzagate Crazy Roseanne Fave Says Hillary Clinton Carved A Witch Face On A Lady’s Vagina. AND SO MUCH MORE! This lady is seriously disturbed.

9. A Unified Theory Of WHAT THE FUCK Michael Cohen And Sean Hannity! It Might Even Be Right! Got a better theory? COME AT US BRO.

10. Barbara Bush Dies At 92. We’re Sure It’s Working Out Very Well For Her. A fair-minded look at the recently departed former first lady!

So there you go. Those are your top ten most clicked upon stories, according to Beyoncé. They are very good stories!

OK bye! Going day-drinking like we said!

Yours in baby Jesus,

Wonkette

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Once upon a time, Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers at least claimed to focus their efforts entirely on immigrants involved in criminal activity. Those days are long gone, and now they're going after anyone, including law-abiding people who are just trying to drive their pregnant wives to the hospital to give birth.

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I'd mentioned this week that there's definitely probably a tape out there of Donald Trump referring to a black person as a "nigger," because Trump is a racist and that's sort of what they do. Sarah Huckabee Sanders won't even affirmatively deny such a tape exists, and she's from the "two plus two equals five" school of communications management. I also speculated that once the tape was released, Republican supporters of the president would flock to defend his vile words: "Hey, if you rearrange the letters in "nigger," you get "ginger" and who doesn't like redheads and the occasional Dark 'n' Stormy?"

The shameful display has already started and the supposed recording isn't even available for pre-order on iTunes. Georgia State Senator Michael Williams stated in appearance on CNN's "New Day Saturday" that if Trump -- who's the president, by the way -- did say "nigger," it would certainly concern him as an "individual" but "not necessarily as a person that is running our country." So, uh, what the hell is that? This has been a standard argument from Republicans ever since Trump crawled his way out of the sewers of birtherism and onto a major political stage: "We think Trump is a terrible human being -- seriously, we have to shower immediately after meeting with him -- but we still think he's a suitable steward of the most powerful nation on the planet."

Normally, you'd think this would work the other way. You know, your brother-in-law is a nice enough guy. Your sister certainly could've done worse. You don't mind the slightly rambling sports-ball discussions with him at family gatherings. He's good for looking after the kids (as long as your sister is present or reachable by cell), but you'd never invest your hard-earned money into whatever half-assed business venture he's trying to get off the ground nor would you back his run for any serious political office.

I've long had issues with the "brilliant asshole" archetype in TV and movies. It's almost always a white male (because women and minorities must be perfect) whose emotional immaturity and overall jerkass behavior we're told to overlook because they're so goshdarned awesome. Do you want some PC "cuck" or do you want Dr. House to figure out that the MS symptoms you're suffering are really just because you ate a stale doughnut? Sherlock Holmes doesn't have time for your feelings or social niceties -- not while he's solving mysteries and being dreamy.

Trump, however, isn't "brilliant." He's just a guy who says "nigger." They're hardly a scarcity in the market. You don't even have to venture out to a klan rally to find one. You can order online -- same day social media delivery.

Williams argues that Trump didn't use the word "nigger" when he was in the "office of the president." It was just some youthful indiscretion when he was almost 60. I don't even know where he's going with this. Does he think Trump has changed? He routinely insults and belittles black people. He also calls black NFL players who peacefully protest "sons of bitches." Was that his way of weaning off calling us "niggers"? Has he been wearing a "nigger" patch on his arm to control his cravings for the racial epithet?

"He used the word in his personal life," Williams said. (It was actually in a workplace context -- SER) "Now if he were president and were to go on TV and use the n-word, I'd have a major problem with that."

media.giphy.com

It's heartening repulsive to see that Williams draws the line at Trump holding an official "nigger" press conference. I think once we reach that point, Trump will probably also reveal that his buddies on the Supreme Court discovered a typo in the Thirteenth Amendment and black folks' work-life balance will start to really suffer.

"I will always say using the n-word is wrong, and it's bad, and should never be accepted in our society. But just because (Trump) might have done it years ago, not as our president, doesn't mean we need to continue to berate him because he used it," GOP state Sen. Michael Williams, who is white, told CNN's Victor Blackwell on "New Day Saturday."

Blackwell, who is black, had to sit there and listen to this crap from a white elected official who is just 45 years old. You know, the word "nigger" doesn't even appear in the Dred Scott decision, for example, but that's not necessary for reasonable people to understand that it was racist as hell. We all know Trump is racist, but now Republicans can't even repudiate the worst demonstrations of his racial animus. The first black president hasn't even been out of office for two full years and already "nigger" is being redefined. What would once end a campaign in its tracks when Blackwell and I were growing up is now just an "oops, my bad."

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