Shy has been having fun with FILTERS this week.
OH HEY WONKERS! Would you look at that picture up there? Are you worried that Wonkette Toddler Human Woman has decided to grow a beard, in defiance of her parents, like a common grown person? WELL YOU ARE DUMB because it's obvious that picture was made with common computers. Anyway, it's your weekly top ten post, and OMG what a week of failure Donald Trump has had! He lost his precious Obamacare repeal, he shat the bed in front of the Boy Scouts, he tweeted a ban on trans folk in the military and the military responded with, "YOUR FUCKING TWEETS ARE NOT EXECUTIVE ORDERS, mister I Couldn't Do War Because My Foot Itched That Decade." Gee whiz, we knew our barely elected president was a fuck-up failure at life, but this week was bad even for him.
Anyway! We'll count down ALL the top ten stories in a sec, but first, we must shake you down for donation moneys. See, we have no ads. NONE. Remember back when we had ads and they ate your browser and made your grandma cry a lot? God that sucked! But we got rid of them, and that means YOU, LITERALLY ALL OF YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE, pay our rent and our paychecks and our other things and stuff. And we're trying our best to keep up with the fucking Trump regime, and in that spirit we're taking on more writers, which costs $$$$, and we want to take on EVEN MORE! So please please please do monthly donations, so we can grow and grow! Will you do that? They can be small monthly donations, medium monthly donations, or YOOGE monthly donations. It takes all kinds! We even take thousand dollar and million dollar donations, OR MONTHLY MILLION THOUSAND DOLLAR SUBSCRIPTIONS, like if you are a secret famous celebrity fan of Wonkette! Seriously, if you are able -- DO NOT MONEY US IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT -- then pull out your wallet and sign up to throw money on our face every month! You can also pull out an envelope and stamp and send money to Wonkette, PO Box 8765, Missoula MT 59807. Whatever, just please support us any way you can.
For instance, you could alsopurchase our sexxxy blue baseball caps. One of them says "Hell. No." and the other says "Literally Anyone Else 2020." See?
Look, it's the traditional Wonkette Baby Donation Pressure Lion Of Cuteness, before she rebelled against her parents by growing a beard, JUST KIDDING SHE DIDN'T DO THAT:
YOU CANNOT EVEN RIGHT NOW
We shall now count down the top 10 stories of the week, chosen as usual by Beyoncé:
1. OH GO FUCK YOURSELF, JOHN MCCAIN. A thing we wrote when we were REAL MAD at him, before he decided to be all Mr. Maverick and vote not to take healthcare away from millions of people.
2. Sweet JESUS, Donald Trump is spooked by these Russia investigations!
3. Oh no, there is internet fuckery afoot at Ye Olde Snopes Dot Com!
4. Dok did a Sundays With The Christianists! It was about comics that will definitely keep your teenagers from looking at The Porns.
5. Jason Chaffetz really wishes Congress would start looking into the important stuff, like why Chelsea Clinton did Benghazi.
6. Asshole Republican lady Kelli Ward would like to remind John McCain that there's no "brain cancer" in T-E-A-M.
7. Last Friday's hot breaking news! Jeff Sessions lied about more Russian stuff! We said he was done fer, but he's standing his ground and refusing to resign. Trump probably leaked that shit about him anyway.
8. How many dumbfuck things can Anthony Scaramucci say before breakfast? ALL OF THEM KATIE.
9. We liveblogged Sarah Huckabee Sanders doing her first televised press conference after Sean Spicer showed his own ass the door. Turns out it wasn't much about ShuckaSanders, but rather ALL ABOUT Anthony Scaramucci drooling over how hot he thinks Trump is.
10. And finally, this currently dead sovereign citizen fake doctor did surgeries inside his hoarder trailer, which is totally normal.
So there you go. Those are your top ten most clicked upon stories, according to Beyoncé. They are very good stories!
Oh, hey, sign up for our newsletter RIGHT NOW DO IT DO IT DO IT:
You are very good! Here is another fancy computer-generated picture of Wonkette Child:
OK bye.
Yours in Christ,
Wonkette
Wonkette is fully funded by readers like YOU. If you love us, click below to fund us!
