Your Weekly Top Ten Is Not Jealous Of Ivanka Trump
Wonkette toddler playing with "Woman"
OH HI WONKERS. So we wrote a thing on Friday about how Ivanka needs to go fuck herself, and we did it in the form of a PROCLAMATION! We think it's legally binding but we're not sure. Anyway, it is your number one story of the week, because it's going all viral-ish. Most people love it, but some of them think we are JEALOUS of Ivanka, because she has many moneys. That is not true. If we were jealous of rich people, we can think of shitloads of rich people who are nicer and smarter and have better souls than Ivanka, that we could be jealous of.
For instance, there is WONDER WOMAN! That's who Wonkette Toddler Human Person Woman is playing with in the picture above! Her name for Wonder Woman is "Woman," which we think is a pretty good nickname. She is also playing with Woman's friends, who are "Batgirl" and "Park Ranger Lady."
OK it is almost time for the top ten story countdown. First though, we must ask you for GIVE US MONEY. See, we are 100% funded by you readers, and we have no ads, and we love it, and you love it, because they do not eat your browser. But we have to keep asking you to give us dollars and subscription moneys and things in order to make this system work. We explained all this in your monthly reminder post about how we need moneys, on a regular basis, to keep this place running without ads. Will you throw $5, $10, or $25 at our faces? Or we even take thousand dollar and million dollar donations, like if you are a secret famous celebrity fan of Wonkette! Seriously, if you are able -- DO NOT MONEY US IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT -- then pull out your wallet and sign up to throw money on our face every month! You can also pull out an envelope and stamp and send money to Wonkette, PO Box 8765, Missoula MT 59807. Whatever, just please support us any way you can.
Look, it's the traditional Wonkette Baby Donation Pressure Lion Of Cuteness. She agrees that you should give us dollars, and we bet her friend "Woman" also agrees:
YOU CANNOT EVEN RIGHT NOW
We shall now count down the top 10 stories of the week, chosen as usual by Beyoncé:
1. The Ivanka go fuck yourself thingie. We talked about it above, must we 'splain it AGAIN?
2. Hot French president Emmanuel Macron DESTROYED Donald Trump, by winning at the game of "Handshakes."
3. Donald Trump used a nice, solemn Memorial Day ceremony to solemnly sing and dance like a six-year-old.
4. That dumb fuckin' punk Jared Kushner, asking for secret Russian spy phones to Russia. PFFFFFT GO TO JAIL.
5. Sean Spicer's press briefing went well on Tuesday just kidding no it didn't.
6. All right everyone, you've punished Kathy Griffin enough, now shut. the. fuck. up.
7. Did you see Hillary Clinton dunk all over Donald Trump's ass during her commencement speech at Wellesley? It was THE BEST.
8. Are you familiar with hottest fashion website on Earth "Breitbart"? It had some opinions about Melania Trump's $51,000 dress!
9. Is Jared Kushner a smarmy shark or a shithead with a shiv? Spoiler he is all Slimy things that start with "S," because of how he Sucks.
10. And finally, a defense attorney told a rape victim Trump would deport her if she testified. But this time, the DEFENSE ATTORNEY went to jail!
So there you go. Those are your top ten most clicked upon stories, according to Beyoncé. They are very good stories!
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You are very good. For following our orders, we will REPRISE the pictures of sassy Wonkette toddler human from last week, because they are so sassy and pretty they deserve a second week. Also there is a new picture of her, at the beach in Montana, which IS TOO A THING.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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