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Your Weekly Top Ten's Wonderdog Messed Up Her Face, But Don't Worry It Got Better

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HEY-O! So yeah, Lula the Wonderdog messed up her face. OK not really, but you know how she is old now? She is 13 going on 14, and still has all her puppy spirit, but certain things don't work quite as well as they used to. For instance, she ended up with an abscessed molar, starting last Saturday! We were getting ready for a party and she sat on the ground and looked up at us just so, right at the perfect angle for us to see HOLY SHIT WHY IS YOUR CHEEK SWELLED UP LIKE THAT. Clearly she was in pain, so we didn't go to the party, and early Sunday morning we headed straight for the vet, where she stayed all day. We went back on Tuesday, and she ended up having THREE TEETH PULLED, but don't worry, she's still got all the rest of 'em and they are strong and she doesn't look like an idiot any more than she looked like an idiot before this whole affair.

Here she is after she came home from the vet Sunday night, still swollen but already feeling better because FUCKED UP ON THE GOOD SHIT:

And here she is three minutes ago, swelling almost all the way gone and feelin' fiiiiine, because still FUCKED UP ON THE GOOD SHIT.

What we are trying to say is that our dog does drugs.

Shall we count down the top ten stories? We shall!


Stories chosen as usual by Beyoncé:

10. Gavin McInnes Out At Blaze TV After A Week, So Let's Look At Some Of Their Other Dumb Shows!

9. Let's Laugh At The Sad Alt-Lite Convention That No One Showed Up To!

8. A Few Gentle Remarks About The Gay Quisling Federalist Idiot Whining About How Persecuted He Is

7. SDNY Will Put Michael Cohen TO DEATH! OK Not Really, But It's BAD (For Him)

6. Is Donald Trump A DrugSnorts McNoseFace? It Would Be Irresponsible Not To Speculate!

5. OMG WTF JUST HAPPENED IN THE WHITE HOUSE

4. John Kelly Voted Off The Island.

3. Totally Non-Evil ICE Arrests 170 Immigrants Trying To Save Babies From Baby Jails

2. HEY YOU GUYSSSSS

1. Can Somebody Hold Nancy Pelosi's Beer While She Dick-Punches Trump Some More?

Those are very good stories!

OK now this post is over.

Go with God,

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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HOLY ACHTUNG TWITTER IS FREAKING OUT! Special Counsel Robert Mueller's office (SCO) has issued a statement, almost 24 full hours after Buzzfeed's story on Donald Trump ordering Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal started blowing everybody's minds. Mueller's spokesman says actually BuzzFeed got it a bit wrong. This is significant because 1) Mueller's office NEVER talks, and B) well, they're not actually saying BuzzFeed got it WRONG wrong. Just, you know, kinda wrong.

Wow, that statement is lawyered as fuck. BuzzFeed described "specific statements" wrong, and its "characterization of documents and testimony" was just an eensy bit off, and maybe if BuzzFeed moved this sofa over here it would take advantage of more natural light in the room, and honestly, BuzzFeed should trim up this one paragraph of its article, because those sentences DO NOT SPARK MARIE KONDO'S JOY.

Otherwise, it's great!

First of all, we want everybody to relax. Donald Trump is still a criminal.

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It's been a joy watching the reactions come in from TrumpWorld about the news that Donald Trump has committed YET ANOTHER CRIME, in this case suborning perjury by instructing his former lawyer thug fixer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. How many other people did he do that with? WE DUNNO! But that's not what this post is about.

First of all, let's see what the big guy himself did. As with all presidential statements from the un-president, it happened on Twitter:

Oh wait, that's (grapes) not it. Here it is:

That's right, the president of the United States reacted to a bombshell news report exposing that he had tampered with a witness by suborning perjury by ... tampering with that witness some more in public, by threatening his father-in-law! (To be fair, Trump has been trying to intimidate the witness by encouraging the feds to investigate Cohen's father-in-law for a hot minute now. It's one of his things, like tweeting and pooping at the same time and comparing WALL to WHEEL.)

Keep reading... Show less
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