Your Weird Boyfriend James Comey Is Testifying For The Senate Judiciary Committee. Let's Liveblog It!
Hello weird boyfriend.
Yay! There is a hearing on your local C-SPAN right now, and it is with FBI Director James Comey! As the New York Times notes, this isn't specifically a hearing about how many reach-arounds Russia gave Donald Trump in the 2016 election, or how many times Trump asked for them. It is the committee's annual oversight hearing of the FBI, which means we will talk about the FBI investigation into Trump and Russia and we will talk about Comey's handling of Hillary Clinton's email investigation, and they might also bore us with some shit we don't care about.
Let's watch it together! And liveblog it!
Republican idiot committee chair Sen. Chuck Grassley spent a whole bunch of time trying to piss on the Trump Russia investigation. We don't know why, but he has been trying to kill the investigation this week, so he spent much of his opening statement saying the Pee Hooker dossier had been completely discredited (it hasn't). Grassley sent Comey a letter last week doing everything he possibly could to change the subject from the actual investigation, and instead talk about how it's so inappropriate that the FBI is doing all this silly Trump Russia investigating, all based on a dossier compiled by an old British spy. (The FBI's investigation is based on a fuckton more than that.)
Democratic ranking member Sen. Dianne Feinstein used her opening statement to say shit is fucked up with this whole Trump Russia collusion, and also she would like some answers mister on why Comey handled Hillary Clinton's emails right before the election in such a very stupid way.
10:32: Chuck Grassley, whom you should assume is very stupid, is licking Trump's butt right good right now. He wants to know whether Comey has ever been an "anonymous leaker" to the media about any of the Trump Russia stuff. Comey says "Eat me," but he says it nicer than that.
10:37: Chuck Grassley blah blah emails blah blah Loretta Lynch blah blah leaks. James Comey: "Classified information, go away stupid man."
10:40: Dianne Feinstein, an adult, would like to know why Comey announced 11 DAYS BEFORE THE ELECTION that he was investigating Hillary Clinton again. He says the FBI people had REALLY thought they found the "missing emails," so he had to get a search warrant. He said he really really really wanted to not intervene in the election, but he had to, because #Reasons. Meanwhile he did not feel the need to discuss how the FBI had been investigating Trump's connections to Russia, and still was. His answer is overly noble and about his high ideals and it's a little bit overwrought.
He said it makes him "nauseous" to think the FBI's actions might have had some impact on the election, but he says he would do it again, because NOBLE HIGH MIGHTY REASONS. He also takes issue with the idea that he was ALL PUBLIC about the new emails, since after all, the only thing he did was send a letter to Congress, at which point Jason Chaffetz got an erection on Twitter like HILLARY EMAILS NEW HILLARY EMAILS WHEEEEEEEE HILLARY EMAILS!
Feinstein is all "the fuck you say." Also, "you could have done this in a classified way, couldn't you have? Coulda woulda shoulda?"
10:51: Orrin Hatch is saying words now. So far we are bored, so you may go refill your coffee or your whiskey if you'd like.
10:57: Lots of conversation about reauthorizing FISA and stuff, but don't worry, Devin Nunes isn't crashing the hearing to cry about unmasking or anything. He is probably not even allowed in Senate!
10:59: Sen. Patrick Leahy, another Democratic adult: "America is confused about your judgment. Can you explain what is wrong with you?"
11:01: James Comey explains that he treated the Hillary email investigation and the Trump Russia investigation the SAME WAY, and he had to tell everybody about the new Hillary thing because they had said they were done. Whereas with Trump, they are not done, and he's not going to do a "peep" about it, until they are done.
Also, Patrick Leahy would like to know how much of a crook Rudy Giuliani is, and if he's working with rogue elements in the FBI. (PROBABLY!)
11:04: Leahy: Why no special prosecutor, especially since all the Justice Department is up Trump's ass?
Comey: Dunno. More reasons.
11:06: Sen. John Cornyn (R-Idiot) is VERY SAD Hillary Clinton was in the news yesterday, blaming everybody else for her loss! Did Loretta Lynch not have sex with Bill Clinton on that Arizona tarmac? Is Hillary Clinton not a dumb email lady? Cornyn has thoughts, man, and they are stupid thoughts.
11:09: Cornyn would like to lick Comey's wounds, on account of how everybody thinks he acted very unprofessionally toward Hillary Clinton.
11:15: Sen. Amy Klobuchar, another adult, would like to talk about the Trump Russia investigation again. She says she appreciates the efforts of some of the Republicans on her committee, who are being grown-ups about this. We guess she does not mean Chuck Grassley, because Chuck Grassley is A Idiot.
11:16: Klobuchar: Since Attorney General Jeff Sessions is swimming naked in a vat of Russian dressing, what Justice Department dude do you work with on Russia, and is that person swimming naked alongside Jeff Sessions?
11:20: Yes, this is a thing that happened:
Klobuchar is asking about whether Comey is going after hackers and money launderers, and he says he sure is. He has a hard time arresting Russian hackers when they are in Russia, but he says they all like to travel a lot, so he arrests them on the beach in Spain and stuff.
11:24: Lightning round with Sassy Lindsey Graham! He's always unpredictable!
11:25: Did Comey talk to Sally Yates about how Michael Flynn was a foreign agent crimer? Yes. Did the FBI do "wire tapps" to Trump? No. Can you talk about Carter Page? Nah. Is Comey's investigation into Trump and Russia still going on? YUP! But you won't talk about Carter Page? Nah.
More questions from Lindsey Graham, with Comey's basic answers:
Is the British spy dossier guy a tool of the Russians? (HUH?)
Should Anthony Weiner be reading Hillary's classified sexts? Actual quote: "There's no Anthony Weiner statute."
Does the FBI do "unmasking" to people? Comey says he did it this week!
Did the White House request unmasking? Nah.
Unmasking, how does it even work? Comey explains how unmasking works.
11:28: EVEN MOAR QUESTIONS from Lindsey Graham, with Comey's answers:
Does Russia suck? Yes.
Is Russia still fucking with American politics? Yes.
Should we punish them? Sure, why not?
How bad is Russia? So bad.
Did Russia actually change our vote tallies in the 2016 election? Probably not, because our system is "a bit of a hairball."
Now Lindsey Graham is done talking, because those were SO MANY QUESTIONS and he needs some Jameson, ALLEGEDLY.
11:35: Here is another picture of your boyfriend James Comey, to whom you are sexually attracted:
11:37: Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-adult) is asking many questions about money laundering and shell corporations and they are boring, but they are very important questions.
11:39: Republican Sen. Ben Sasse wants to know whether Russia will keep screwing with all our elections, and Comey is like yeah, for sure, we are all very concerned about the "cyber."
Also, Sasse needs to stop styling his hair like a butt:
That is just not a good hairstyle.
11:40: Ben Sasse is asking if Comey still believes Julian Assange and WikiLeaks are total criminals, and why has he not been arrested. Comey says yep, criminal, and he's not arrested yet because remember how he is hiding in the Ecuadorean embassy?
11:42: Hahahahaha, James Comey says the reason WikiLeaks is not "press" or "journalism" is because there's a difference between actual journalists who inform the public and "intelligence porn," which is what Assange does. So basically Julian Assange is a Russia-affiliated intelligence porn star. But is he is a Russia-affiliated PEE HOOKER? Oh wait, that was not Ben Sasse's question.
11:45: Comey makes another important distinction between WikiLeaks and real journalism, noting that American journalists are generally extremely responsible, and when they have classified information, they will work to make sure anything they publish will not put lives in danger or endanger the United States.
Anyway, now it is AL FRANKEN TIME!
11:47: Comey reminding everyone that Putin did a lot of the hacking because he HATES Hillary Clinton, and also we think he just said he liked Trump because he was a businessman, but we might have temporarily had a stroke, so don't quote us on that.
11:49: Al Franken: Don't you agree, Mr. Comey, that in order for us to know whether Donald Trump is vulnerable to blackmail by the Russians, it would help us a l'il bit to know the extent of his financial dealings with Russians?
Comey: I dunno.
Franken: No listen, dillweed, let me tell you about the big financial ties we know about, including what one of Trump's mutant adult sons said about all their business dealings with Russia. Also, why does Russia love Trump so much, and the point of my question is WHERE ARE THE FUCKING TAX RETURNS?
Comey: No comment.
Franken: Have YOU seen Trump's tax returns?
11:53: Now Franken's just listing off all the people Trump knows with weird Russian connections. This will take until tomorrow afternoon. His question to Comey is whether or not it is weird for literally everybody a person knows to be J/O buddies with Vladimir Putin. Comey goes with "no comment" again.
11:55: Another Republican, Jeff Flake, asking so many questions about "incidental collection" and "unmasking." Partially, there is a point, because Congress has to reauthorize some of those tools this year, but partially this is about Trump's loser obsession with whether he was a victim of "wire tapps." Flake, to his credit, says he thinks those thinks should be reauthorized.
11:57: We zoned out, but James Comey just said something about how you need to know "who's penetrating you." That's good advice from the FBI director!
12:02: James Comey is YOOOOOOOOOGE.
You look very silly and short next to your boyfriend James Comey, because he is a ginormous person.
Comey is trying to explain why he got SO 'SCITED again about running around yammering about Hillary's emails, but said nothing about the investigation into Trump and Russia. We think he is saying that he somehow believes it wouldn't have hurt Trump if he revealed that investigation the way it hurt Hillary. So, um, that is not true.
He sure is tripping over his own dick here, with his 6'8" man body.
12:07: Sen. John Kennedy (R-LA) would like to ask about classified sexts on Anthony Weiner's computer. He has only been a senator for five minutes and he doesn't understand that Comey's investigation into that shit is OVER. Good job, new dumb senator from Louisiana! We sure are glad we didn't elect that nice Democrat who was running instead.
12:13: We feel like Kennedy is using his time with Comey just to ask some questions he's always been confused about. Next Kennedy will ask Comey where the nearest bathroom is, just in case he reckons nature's a-callin'.
12:16: Sen. Mazie Hirono (D-adult) asks Comey if he can tell us any more sexxxy things about the FBI's investigation into Trump and Russia. Comey: "No."
James Comey never tells us sexxxy things anymore :(
Hirono: Were you just being an asshole last summer when you threw that press conference absolving Hillary of all wrongdoing, but yet felt the need to editorialize for an hour about what an ogre she is?
Comey: No, I did that just fine.
Hirono: Do you always do that?
Comey: Not always, but sometimes I talk some shit.
Comey: I am a very good boy.
Hirono: You are full of shit.
12:21: Oh good, it's time for Ted Cruz to ruin our day, with his face.
We are sorry about your lunch, which you just lost.
12:28: Ted Cruz talked and it was all worthless and stupid and now it is over. Now it is time for another (D-Adult) to talk, and it is Richard Blumenthal. He would like Comey to state, for the 48,000th time, that the FBI is investigating whether the Trump campaign was 69-ing with Russia.
Blumenthal: Can you say anybody Trump knows is NOT under investigation?
Blumenthal: What about the president?
Comey: I told the chair and ranking member of your committee who we're investigating.
Blumenthal: You are SO investigating Crown Prince Pussgrab of the Mar-a-Lago Pussgrabs. Say it! Say it! Say he is going to jail!
Comey: Nuh uh I plead the Fifth.
Blumenthal: Hey, shouldn't there be a special prosecutor, instead of stinky old YOU?
Comey: No, I am a good boy.
Blumenthal: You've appointed special prosecutors before, why you acting like you're above all that now?
Comey: Because I suck.
12:36: James Comey says FBI-ing is haaaaaaaaaard. But he thinks he's done everything pretty good and wouldn't change anything.
12:40: Sen. Thom Tillis (R-NC) has questions about homegrown Muslin threats, and also refugee Muslin threats. North Carolina Republican senators are S-M-R-T.
Also, why has the FBI not done "LOCK HER UP!" to Hillary Clinton?
12:45: Comey says the reason he took it upon himself to do a press conference about why Hillary is innocent is because Loretta Lynch did so much damage to the credibility of the Justice Department (not that he's talking smack about her, he says he likes her!) by saying "what up bro" to Bill Clinton at the Phoenix airport. Do you all remember what a dumb non-scandal that was? It was dumb.
12:48: James Comey says he doesn't need a break right now, so we guess he doesn't have to pee right now.
Chuck Grassley is doing another round of stupid questions, trying to change the subject and accuse Christopher Steele, the old British spy, of being a tool of the Russians. Christ, Chuck Grassley is fucking stupid.
12:51: James Comey basically just called Chuck Grassley stupid, and said he'd explain why in a classified session.
POINT: James Comey!
12:54: Chuck Grassley is the Devin Nunes of this hearing. He is actually asking Comey if the codename for the Hillary investigation was part of a conspiracy theory to finish her investigation by a certain date.
12:59: Hey, wonder why Donald Trump attacked James Comey on Twitter last night.
Wonder if he is literally shitting his granny panties right now.
1:09: Sen. Mike Lee (R-Idiot) has been asking questions for a while, about unmasking and incidental intelligence gathering, and it is ZZZZZZZZZZZ.
1:12: Sen. Patrick Leahy: Do things like Trump's Muslim ban hurt America?
Comey: No comment, but in a roundabout way, TOTALLY.
1:15: Leahy: Remember all those times white Americans did terrorism?
Comey: Ayup. "Most of the people" FBI is investigating re: terror and stuff are American citizens.
Leahy: So in a roundabout way, again, things like Trump's Muslim ban are bullshit.
Comey: In a roundabout way, again, YUP.
1:18: Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI), being HILARIOUS: "Did you give Hillary Clinton a pass for really bad deeds?" (Remember dumbfuck Trump's tweet from last night, that we pasted above?)
Comey: Um, no.
Whitehouse: OK, just wanted to clear up whether the president of the United States is still a thin-skinned dildo.
1:24: Whitehouse: No, Jim, for real, you couldn't have actually waited to learn that the "new Hillary emails" were bullshit before you ran off to braid hair and gossip about Hillary with Jason Chaffetz?
Comey: Um, well, um ... #REASONS!
1:26: AL FRANKEN TIME AGAIN! He thanks James Comey for being "made of stone," and Comey confirms that he is made of "sandstone."
Anyway, about Trump's tax returns!
1:28: Franken: Trump's BFF Roger Stone, what a freak, right? Anyway, he brags about having direct contact with the Russian hackers who broke the 2016 election for Donald Trump. Am I correct about who that Russian hacker is?
Comey: Yeah sure.
Franken: Can we talk about how guilty Roger Stone is?
Comey: No we cannot, because that is details I don't want to say about the investigation.
Franken: Do you have evidence that the Trump campaign actually colluded with Russia to bone the 2016 election?
Comey: Can't talk about it, DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO SPELL "CLASSIFIED"?
Franken: Roger Stone literally knew John Podesta was about to be targeted, just before WikiLeaks started releasing John Podesta's hacked emails. Also, my colleague Republican Sen. John Cornyn is a fucking troll for what he said about Hillary earlier, don't you think?
1:37: Stupid Chuck Grassley had to leave, so that's sad. Goodbye, Stupid Chuck Grassley! Dianne Feinstein will be president of the rest of this hearing, because she doesn't have stupid "other plans" like Stupid Chuck Grassley.
Anyway, have you guys eaten lunch? You should eat some lunch if you haven't, because you're a growing boy.
1:40: Sen. Mazie Hirono is just curious if Trump-sucking fiends at the Justice Department can tell the FBI to stop doing investigations. Comey says yeah they theoretically could, but it would be a YOOGE deal if they did so for political reasons, and he very politely dares them to fucking try.
Hirono says COUGH SPECIAL PROSECUTOR COUGH COUGH.
1:43: Sen. Richard Blumenthal says James Comey is at the end of his "dentist visit," which means he has been a very good boy, has no cavities, and now the Senate Judiciary Committee will give him a new toothbrush and some floss and also a certificate for a free Frosty at the Wendy's. You guys, this has been a long hearing!
Anyway, Comey tells Blumenthal that appointing a special prosecutor is NOT off the table, so that's good.
Blumenthal: Is the White House cooperating with you?
Comey: No comment, by which I mean of course they're not.
Blumenthal: Has anybody asked for immunity?
Comey: No comment.
Blumenthal: If the Trump White House was obstructing justice, would you tell us?
Comey: No, I would bitch to the deputy attorney general.
Blumenthal: ... THE ONE APPOINTED BY THE PRESIDENT?
Comey: Um, yeah, well it's possible that somebody in the Trump administration is not a terrible person.
Blumenthal: PSHAW, do you see why we see a special prosecutor now?
And now it is over! Sen. Dianne Feinstein thanks James Comey for all his stamina, noting that he lasted all morning, ooh, Wonkette likes a man who lasts a long time.
What have we learned today? Well, for one thing, we have learned that Comey is VERY MUCHLY HIGHLY NOBLY sure he did the right thing with Hillary's emails. We have learned that Chuck Grassley is a dumbass, but we already knew that. But specifically we see that he is acting like a common Devin Nunes and trying to derail this investigation.
We've learned that new Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy is pretty dumb, too, and that Nebraska Sen. Ben Sasse won't stop styling his hair like a butt.
AND MAYBE someday we will have a special prosecutor. Maybe. If we click our heels three times and say a special prayer to James Comey, your very tall and huge boyfriend, who brings you many sexual pleasures, allegedly.
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