Your Wonkette 2019 Legislative Badass Is Nancy Pelosi AKA The Boss Of You
At last/alas! We have finally reached the time when we crown Wonkette's legislative hero of the year for 2019!
The good news this year is that there are so many freaking awesome legislative heroes to choose from, like the Democratic class that retook the House of Representatives, which includes such badasses as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Ayanna Pressley. There's the dearly departed Elijah Cummings, who's won the title quite a few times, and in a way will always be Wonkette's Legislative Hero of the Year. There are all the other committee chairs, like Maxine Waters and Jerry Nadler and Adam Schiff -- especially Adam Schiff! -- and not Richie Neal.
And so many more!
But this year, the title has to go to the woman who presided over it all, Nancy Pelosi, who despite what critics constantly told us throughout the year, constantly, shepherded her caucus through impeachment from take-off to landing, without whipping a single vote.
She did it by waiting for the right scandal at the right time, one that specifically would bring the new moderates to the table, because one thing many of those folks have in common is that they are National Security Democrats. And then she struck.
Earlier this year, back on May 23, we published a widely read piece called "Do Y'all See What Nancy Pelosi Is Doing Yet?" We wrote it because we were pretty sure a lot of people didn't see what Nancy Pelosi was doing yet.
Pelosi had just given a press conference where she, as she's done all year, threw weapons-grade shade at Donald Trump, saying she was just praying for his weak and sad brain and his dumb face, and expressed hope after yet another Trump temper tantrum that his family would love him enough to stage an intervention. (SPOILER: Nobody loves Donald Trump that much.)
Allow us to excerpt liberally, because of how right we were.
In today's presser, Pelosi was clearer than ever about her feelings on impeachment -- she doesn't like it, and she'd really hate for the nation to get to a place where that's inevitable, she is just saying it would be truly terrible for them to have to do that -- but they might just be FORCED to go there. And wouldn't that be just terrible? Nancy Pelosi is praying about that just like she is praying for Trump, under a big oak tree that casts all the shade she threw at Donald Trump for her entire fucking presser.
After Pelosi spent the first few minutes reciting a list of the 300 bills Democrats passed this week that might make life better for Americans if the Senate would fucking do something with them and then send them to President Twitter Time for his chicken-scratching signature, she noted how many children have now died in the custody of the Trump administration on the border, and then recited all the court cases Trump has lost this week, in his effort to do cover-ups to conceal all his crimes.
Then it was time to talk about Trump's little performance yesterday, when he noped out of their Infrastructure Week meeting and threw a pre-planned temper tantrum in the Rose Garden, supposedly because he was upset Pelosi called his cover-ups a "cover-up." Pelosi told reporters she was pretty sure the real reason he did that is because he's a loser who keeps losing in court, the walls are closing in, and he wanted to distract everyone with something out of his "bag of tricks" he likes to distract people with. [...]
Do you see how she's fucking with his mind? She's pretty sure -- and we're pretty sure she's right -- that Trump wants nothing more right now than for the House Democrats to hop, skip and bumblefuck into a speedy impeachment, so that it can quickly go to the current Senate before things get too much worse for Trump, Mitch McConnell can throw a show trial, it'll lose, and then the GOP can hit the 2020 campaign running before the end of 2019.
Whereas Pelosi seems to be saying, "No, Donald, we're sorry. We're not handing you that ... yet. We're going to let alllllllllll these investigations get really nasty and let you lose in court a whole bunch more, and we're going to look at your taxes and your weird foreign money stuff and see who really owns your ass, and we're going to put every person you know in a chair in front of the appropriate House committee, and if they don't show up, they'll be held in contempt, maybe even under Congress's power of inherent contempt, and they'll be fined $25,000 a day, and then you'll lose some more in court over THAT ... and once we have ALL THE FACTS in our hands, well ... WHO KNOWS WHAT WE MIGHT DO?"
In other words, she's going to make him bleed out slowly (figuratively, of course!), and then when it's time, it will be time. Do you see how she's doing that? [...]
Does anyone really think Nancy Pelosi does not already know we have had that fucker dead to rights to be impeached since about eight seconds after he lied his way through the oath of office? Of course she does! And when the time comes -- probably sooner than we think, we've got our betting pool on it happening around Labor Day -- the case will be airtight, and the public will understand that case better than they understand right now, and the public will be ready.
How correct we were!
We didn't get every detail right, because of how, though we are often mistaken for one, we are not in actuality a superhero psychic lady with a hotline. For instance, we don't have Trump's taxes yet, because House Ways and Means Committee Chair Richie Neal doesn't seem to want them that much, and because the courts are fucking slow. And the House went ahead and impeached Trump without getting testimony from certain key witnesses, though they haven't ruled out impeaching him A BUNCH MORE TIMES as more Trump crimes come to light.
But on the key points, we nailed it. (Are we secretly giving the Legislative Hero award to ourselves right now? No, we are giving ourselves a different award, for being smart.)
Pelosi was reluctant, she didn't want to do it, she didn't want to do it, she didn't want to do it ... until all of a sudden, the whistleblower complaint came out and really, she was just pained to do this, she was just anguishing over it, but she had to call for an impeachment inquiry. She just had to. The case was airtight, and she knew that the great majority of House Democrats, with a remainder of Tulsi Gabbard and a couple of other idiots, would come around and the caucus would be united. Even the national security Democrats. She gave them the cover they needed, and the opportunity they needed.
Again, she didn't whip that vote. The Republicans did, though.
And Donald Trump is now impeached.
When the vote was final and a few Democrats tried to cheer, Pelosi stopped that shit in its tracks, because this was a SOMBER MOMENT, EVERYBODY PLEASE REMEMBER WE ARE DOING "SOMBER":
For Pelosi's last act of 2019, she showed how savvy she really is, by immediately deciding that she would withhold the articles of impeachment until Mitch McConnell can prove he is grown-up enough to handle something so serious. After all, how can she choose House impeachment managers for a Senate trial if she doesn't know what kind of trial they're going to perform over there?
And here Mitch McConnell thought he was going to be able to throw a pretend show trial and TOTALLY EXONERATE!11!! Donald Trump without a fight.
Oh yeah, did we mention that while all this was going on, the Democrats have passed something like 400 bills, all of which are just sitting on McConnell's desk while he confirms 24-year-old bigot judges? Pelosi made that happen.
You can question Nancy Pelosi all you want. This is a democracy. But don't question whether she has a plan, because that just makes you look like A IDIOT.
All hail your 2019 legislative hero Nancy Pelosi, THE END!
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