Your 2021 Wonkette Legislative Hero Has A Cheney In It, For First And Last Time Ever

Hahahaha, what is Wonkette, smoking a DRUGS? We just gave the coveted Wonkette legislative shitheel award of the whole entire year to a Democrat, and now we are going to give the legislative hero award to TWO Republicans? Are we Glenn Greenwald? Are we going to be on Tucker to talk about this live tonight?

The answers, in order, are "maybe" and "yep" and "ew no" and "haha he wishes."

Let us explain.

First of all, we gave shitheel to Joe Manchin, so "Democrat." And we are giving the hero award to the entire House January 6 Select Committee investigating the terrorist attack Donald Trump incited against the United States Capitol and against the country itself. And that group, which was appointed by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, includes two Republican congressmembers who have, at great cost to themselves and arguably at great expense to their own safety, continued to stand up for what's right. You know, at least on this one subject. But it's a pretty fucking important subject. (The subject, again, is that they are investigating a terrorist attack the former president ordered againstthis country.)

So that means, on a technicality — ha ha, a "technicality" just like how it is when Republicans win presidential elections because "Electoral College" but never because "people voted for them" — two Republicans get to share the Wonkette legislative hero award with seven Democrats.

Look, we don't make the rules LOL j/k yes we do.

In case you've never seen it spelled out, the membership of that committee includes:

  • Bennie Thompson, chair
  • Zoe Lofgren
  • Elaine Luria
  • Adam Schiff
  • Pete Aguilar
  • Stephanie Murphy
  • Jamie Raskin

And then those two Republicans, two of the only Republicansin elected office in the United States who can actually be said to care more about country than party. Pelosi had to appoint them because House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy was intent on skullfucking the committee, and the country itself, by putting seditionist pals like Jim Jordan on it. Pelosi said fuck off.

And look, those two Republicans, Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger, are wrongass about a thousand other things. Abortion? Wrongass. Voting rights? Wrongass there too, because they still buy into Republican myths about what kinds of "problems" really exist with voting in America.

But that's not why they get to share in this award with all those awesome voting-rights-loving abortionist Democrats.

Our Point, Oh God, Do We Have One?

It may be that Attorney General Merrick Garland is up there in his tower making a list and checking it twice and FINALLY going to spend his 2022 raining down hellfire, damnation, and the rule of law on the actual people who CREATED the January 6 terrorist attack and the LITERAL ACTUAL COUP by the disgraced former president that surrounded that day. Maybe. But so far we can't see it.

And we understand that it can be very hard to figure out whom to arrest when just kidding no it's not.

So the January 6 committee gets this award because it's from what we can tell the only entity that gives a shit about creating accountability for the people who attacked America and tried to overthrow it, and no we don't mean the rotting pig turds who actually did their dirty work at the Capitol that day. We mean the propagandists and coup plotters pulling the strings.

We're not going to spend a lot of time linking to our every story about the January 6 committee. Its work is ongoing, and it makes news every day or two. Here are some updates just from the past weekor so. They're busy, and they're a work in progress. But at least we can see that they're getting results.

We hear 2022 will see lots of public hearings from that committee, by the way.

Wonkette hereby invites Merrick Garland to read along with our liveblogs of them, should he need help identifying the bad guys.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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