Dear White People: You're Going To LOVE Disney's New White 'African' Princess

MOVE OVER, Elsa The Frozen Bitch Princess From Hell, there's a new Disney lady princess in town, and she seems great. She's based on the true story of Jeremiah Heaton, a Virginia father whose daughter Emily just wanted to be a princess, like all little girls and some little boys do. So, instead of being a bad lazy parent, he said by God, I'm going to go find a piece of war-torn, lawless Africa, stick a flag in it like Eddie Izzard taught me, and claim the land for my beautiful daughter, where she will be princess happily ever after:

Within months, Heaton was journeying through the desolate southern stretches of Egypt and into an unclaimed 800-square-mile patch of arid desert. There, on June 16 — Emily’s seventh birthday — he planted a blue flag with four stars and a crown on a rocky hill. The area, a sandy expanse sitting along the Sudanese border, morphed from what locals call Bir Tawil into what Heaton and his family call the “Kingdom of North Sudan.”

Heaton says that the land is totally his, because for real, you stick flags in things to make them yours, and that's how countries are founded. The difference is that he is not doing it out of mean imperialism, but because he's the only daddy out there willing to make his white American daughter the princess of Africa.

NOW you see why Disney bought the rights to this heartwarming story, The Princess Of North Sudan. Disney says it is NOT telling a story about an idiot white hick claiming African land to give to his white snowflake baby, it just bought the rights to a story about an idiot white hick claiming African land to give to his white snowflake baby.

The Hollywood Reporter says that the Disney version will focus on "the relationship between the father and daughter set against a backdrop of a fantastical adventure," awwwww. Because there is nothing more magical than teaching your baby girl how to declare herself the benevolent dictator of African people. Bet all you girls out there are thinking right now, "All my dad ever did was force me to pledge my virginity to him, why does Emily get to have the cool dad???"

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The film's writer, Stephany Folsom, says on Twitter that all you internet people are MORANS, and she's not writing that kind of story at all!

Oh, we guess everything is fine then, and this movie will win all the awards and Idina Menzel can sing the theme song, "I Am A White Princess And My Daddy Gave Me Some Africans," and Disney will just hit it out of the park like it always does.

As for the real Jeremiah Heaton, he says that at the moment, he's trying to "establish positive relationships with neighboring nations of Sudan and Egypt by converting his newfound sovereignty into an ecologically and agriculturally sustainable nation where his family can live together and reign as the royal family." African warlords won't have any problem with this, don't be silly. And guess what! He's CROWDFUNDING for his "Kingdom Of North Sudan":

BRB, that is our cue to start drinking early today.

[The Independent / Washington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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