You're Not Gonna Believe It, But Michael Cohen Rigging ONLINE POLLS For Trump Gets Stupider
The other day, Wonkette told you the tale of Michael Cohen paying John Gauger, the computer nerd IT guy from Liberty University, to rig MEANINGLESS ONLINE POLLS so that Donald Trump could win them, back in 2014 and 2015. Cohen was supposed to pay Gauger $50,000, but instead he paid him a literal Walmart bag of 12,000 American stripper tip dollars and also a used boxing glove, because that's totally normal.
Strangely, in 2017, Donald Trump "reimbursed" Michael Cohen for the full Fitty Gs, "largely" from his own money, which by extension we guess means it came "small-ly" from the Trump Organization, to rig ONLINE POLLS, Jesus Christ!
Also Gauger set up a special Sex Twitter account for Michael Cohen, dedicated to showcasing the RAW ORGASM BONER MAGNETISM of Michael Cohen, which is a totally normal thing to get your pal from Liberty University to do for you when he's not too busy rigging online polls for you. If anybody needs to take a break from this post and go masturbate because we mentioned Michael Cohen's RAW ORGASM BONER MAGNETISM, please go do that and never come back.
Now the Wall Street Journal has added new and hilarious details to the a story that was already stupid, dumb and hilarious. Regarding the CNBC online poll in 2014 -- the one where Trump really wanted to top the list of America's business leaders in advance of announcing a presidential run, but he didn't even break the top one hundred, which is appropriate because Trump is really shitty at business and a "leader" at nothing:
Mr. Cohen called CNBC and threatened that Mr. Trump would sue over his poor standing in the ranking, arguing that the news channel was "ignoring the will of the people," the people familiar with the matter said. CNBC didn't respond to the threat, and Mr. Trump didn't sue. [...]
Mr. Trump also called network executives to complain, the people familiar with the matter said, in addition to griping publicly on Twitter about it.
Imagine you are Michael Cohen, threatening to sue CNBC over the fact that your shitty crime boss didn't win an ONLINE POLL of great business leaders. Imagine passing a mirror and being forced to look yourself in the face. And then imagine getting distracted because OH MY GOD YOUR SHITTY CRIME BOSS JUST TWEETED ABOUT IT, which is tantamount to taking a big shit and then photographing it.
This is so, so, so, so, so, so, so funny, we mean sad:
The way the poll worked was that people voted on a list of 200 people, and then a group of experts (SO-CALLED) used that data to narrow it down to the top 25. Trump was on Twitter, as the Wall Street Journal reports, begging people to vote for him, and also getting Jerry Falwell Jr. to use Liberty University's Twitter account to beg people to vote for Trump in the dumb fucking online poll that didn't mean anything. Meanwhile, behind the scenes, Michael The BonerMaster Cohen was paying some dude from Jerry Falwell Jr.'s clown college to rig the fuck out of the online voting, but then not actually paying the dude everything he was supposed to pay him.
Imagine you are Donald Trump. Imagine the seething self-hatred it takes to even be in this situation in the first place. Then stop imagining that, because we don't want any of you going to the dark place today.
And then the sad fuckers did it again with a Drudge online poll in 2015. Jesus Christ!
Remember that Michael Cohen tweeted last week that he did this at Trump's direction.
Cohen did SO MANY THINGS at Trump's direction! The porn payoffs, this online poll rigging, and let's be fucking honest here, he probably almost surely lied to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal at Trump's direction. Yeah, yeah, BuzzFeed got it wrong -- except, you know, the denial from Robert Mueller's office wasn't really a full-throated denial and the truth of the matter is that BuzzFeed probably more like "nailed it," but got like two little details wrong and for some reason Mueller is super pissed about that. (Perhaps he's mad at people close to SDNY, who were likely the sources for BuzzFeed's story. Perhaps he got some pressure from Acting Attorney General Meatball McPeenerToilet, and issued a non-denial denial because Meatball is too stupid to know the difference, and we'll find out about that when Ronan Farrow breaks the story. We just don't know.)
The point of this story is that it happened, and we are talking about it, because Mister "Online Polls Hurt My Feelings" is literally the president of the United States of America.
God help us.
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