Five Reasons We Made Up Why Greta Van Susteren Just Peaced Out Of Fox News

Happier times

One hell of a day over there at Fox News, eh? First we heard Fox is no longer allowed to go to Starbucks whenever it wants and has to save money by bringing Folgers from home, because it has to pay Gretchen Carlson $20 million, as a way of saying sorry Roger Ailes committed grossness in her general direction. Now, we learn longtime Fox host Greta Van Susteren called in "dead" to work Tuesday morning, and also "fuck you guys I'm going home" and "see ya wouldn't wanna be ya." Brit Hume will be taking her place now, obviously because he is an awesome journalist who looks like a basset hound that's lost hope.

So WTF GRETA? What is going on here? Wonkette has made up some reasons why this could be happening:

•  According to the AP, a "source" says there was a "financial disagreement" between Van Susteren and Fox. And back in the summer, Van Susteren spoke out in support of her favorite boss, Roger Ailes, and said bitches be lyin' about his allegedly wandering hands and penis-esque appendage. AND, according to Fox's Howie Kurtz, her contract said if her BFF Ailes leaves Fox, she is allowed to cut and run. So add all those things together, and we are pretty sure, with Ailes being ousted, G. Van Sizzy was all "HEY FOX NEWS, MORE DOLLARS IF YOU WANT ME TO STAY" and they were like "No, we have no dollars, due to gotta pay all these women Ailes suffocated with jizz," and she was like "ROGER AILES IS A BEAUTIFUL CREATURE WHO WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING, SO I MUST DEPART TO BE WITH HIM FOREVER, IN HIS SLIME CAVERN." Or something like that.

• OR MAYBE Van Susteren is no longer such an Ailes fan-girl, sees the hordes of women alleging sexual harassment and worse by Ailes, and, having had this realization, doesn't want to be anywhere near Fox anymore. Why? Because another "source" says she's "troubled by the culture" created by Ailes at Fox. According to a statement Greta wrote on the Facebook, Fox "has not felt like home to me for a few years," so she left, because of that thing in her contract that says she gets to go if Yucky Roger goes.

• Maybe she got in trouble for cavorting with the enemy (Wonkette) as she was CLEARLY SEEN taking selfies with us at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland. Little did we know that our moment would be so fleeting, that her time at Fox News was so short! Did she know? Was she plotting her exit AT THAT VERY MOMENT, right under everybody's noses? She'll never tell!

• Maybe she is still super angry that NASA wasted OUR TAXPAYER DOLLARS by taking a long time to show us all its pretty pictures of Pluto, and has gone to outer space to take some Snapchats of the former planet all by herself. Farewell, Greta, have fun in outer space, where you will probably live forever now!

• Speaking of space, maybe there was a big emergency at Scientology HQ, because Greta Van Susteren is a Scientologist. We dunno what kind of emergency that might be ... a bunch of Thetans got out and are leaking everywhere, or maybe Tom Cruise and John Travolta got caught "auditing" each other's wing-wangs, but maybe there is something she has to attend to, as a Very Serious Scientologist.

So those are all the alleged reasons Greta Van Susteren is leaving Fox News, and either ALL OF THEM are true, or none of them are true, or maybe SOME are true, but we don't know which ones. Feel free to make up your own reasons in the comments, because who even cares?

[ AP ]