Eric Trump Knows Daddy Wouldn't Nepotism Him If He Wasn't Such A Good Boy

This guy.

Of the three adult Trump children who aren't off Tiffany-ing around somewhere, Eric Trump is not EVER the one that comes to mind when you try to figure out which Trump is "The Smart One." We were only mildly poking fun at him when somebody sent him some powdered lemonade in the mail and he queened out thinking it was TERROR POWDERS. It could have been, after all, lemon-flavored TERROR POWDERS. We were more for real making fun of him when he said wages in U.S. America have been stagnant for 15 years because of theone billion eleventy millionfew thousand Syrian refugees we've admitted to the country. And we were downright LOL giggling when he said his dad ran for president because America's not allowed to have Christmas trees in the White House no more. (There's always been a Christmas tree at the White House, and it's called a Christmas tree.)

Those are just a few things to keep in mind, as Eric Trump explains to us that nepotism, like the kind that has provided careers to him and his siblings, is no big deal, and besides, if they weren't all so BAD-ASS, then Daddy for sure wouldn't nepotism them anymore:

“Nepotism is kind of a factor of life,” said Eric Trump, sitting in an office on the 25th floor of his father’s famous Trump Tower, just down the hall from his brother Don Jr. “We might be here because of nepotism, but we’re not still here because of nepotism. You know, if we didn’t do a good job, if we weren’t competent, believe me, we wouldn’t be in this spot.”

His father would make sure of it, Eric Trump said. “He’s a guy, no matter where it is, he expects people to perform. And if they’re not performing, he kind of encourages them to go on their way. You know the one thing, Don, Ivanka and I never let him down really in any factor of life. And I think it’s one of the reasons that we’re as innately close as we are.”

Not to be picky, but if they are "innately close," that means "naturally" or "inborn," which would mean the relative competence of the assorted Trump spawn would not be a factor. We guess being good at words isn't one of the factors Daddy looks at when he decides whether to keep doing nepotism to somebody. Young Eric does offer that he doesn't think his dad would have trusted him and his brother the animal murderer to run his companies four years ago, so we guess they had Room For Growth, as they say in the corporate world.

While we're on the subject of Trump nepotism, let's check in with the others!

• You already know that Jared Kushner, Trump's son-in-law, is now president of going to Iraq and solving Middle East and fixing meth people and doing China stuff and Mexico stuff, and all the other things he's "innately" qualified for based on his experience in real estate and being married to Trump's daughter.

• Ivanka, who is in the president's opinion his SEXIEST daughter, has a new (unpaid!) job in the West Wing, where she can do whatever it is she does. Strategic national security fashion merchandising, we guess. In an interview Wednesday with CBS anchor Oprah's BFF, Ivanka said it's OK that the people handling her business are her brother-in-law and sister-in-law, because it just is, OK?

• Kara Trump, Eric's wife, has been hired at Giles-Parscale, a digital firm used by the Trump campaign during the 2016 election! We're sure she has all the requisite qualifications! She is also pragnet with a baby, but that's not nepotism, that's just what happens when a man and a woman love each other very much and they stick their junk real close together.

• Kyle Yunaska, Kara's brother, got hired at the Department Of Energy back in February, though the  New York Post  says his background includes nothing in the department of "energy."

• We don't figure Tiffany is getting any nepotism, but she might still be sitting on the White House lawn waiting for an Uber and wondering why daddy wouldn't keep the Obama family swingset. 

Anyway, this is all normal and fine, because now we know these folks only receive their daily bread of nepotism because they are so fucking brilliant, and Daddy Trump would know, because he picks the best people.

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[ Forbes ]