FOR SALE: Ducky Pajamas. Lightly Jizzed In. $84,000 OBO.
'SPENSIVE JAMMIES
OK, sorry, that headline is #FakeNews, because we don't think Rep. Blake Farenthold (R-Ducky Pajamas) would ever part with his beloved ducky pajamas. We also don't know for factual whether he's ever jizzed in his ducky pajamas, lightly or otherwise, so CAVEAT EMPTOR and shit.
As Talking Points Memo notes, Farenthold "was the only member of Congress whom the Office of Compliance had paid a sexual harassment settlement for in the past five years," and it was $84,000 US Ameros. Farenthold now says he will pay that money back out of his piggy bank, because he wants to do right by the taxpayers.
If you were shocked Farenthold had to pay out a sexual harassment settlement, you haven't been reading Wonkette. (See: Inconceivably, Ducky-Pajamas-Wearing Texas Congressman Has Been Accused Of Sexual Harassment : Doktor Zoom, December 17, 2014.) A few months after that article was published, Farenthold's office denied he had made "wet dreams" in his ducky pajamas while thinking about Lauren Greene, his former communications director, whom he fired for DEFINITELY NOT REASONS RELATED TO SEXUAL HARASSMENT.
The suit was dropped after the settlement, and Farenthold still contends he did nothing wrong. (Besides the obvious crime against OUR EYES, which is pictured above. Remember when GOP Senator Susan Collins was caught on a hot mic calling Farenthold unfuckably ugly and making fun of those ducky pajamas? That was LOL. It sucked how she had to apologize for it, since she was simply speaking God's honest truth.)
So, $84,000 buckeroos! Like we said, we really don't think Farenthold is going to sell his ducky pajamas, so don't get your hopes up. But MAYBE HE WILL. And we definitely don't think they're worth $84,000. BUT MAYBE THEY ARE. (They're not.)
(OR ARE THEY?)
Anyway, make lots of gross jokes about Blake Farenthold and his allegedly lightly jizzed-in ducky pajamas in the comments of this, your open thread.
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This is true.
For everyone in the 1%, there are 99 who aren't. When the shit hits the fan, 99:1 are damn good odds.