Wonkette

Comical old person John “WALNUTS!” McCain appeared on a popular late-night television show on Friday. He was so funny! His jokes are unstoppable. He pretended to fall asleep in Conan’s lap! So funny! Oh and jeez what’s in his mouth now??? Ahhhhhhggg! [Boston Globe/Top of the Ticket]

Brent Rinehart is a commissioner in Oklahoma County, which is in Oklahoma. Rinehart has been charged with felony campaign-finance crimes and will be tried this fall, which isn’t helping his campaign for re-election. So he wrote this comic book (PDF) and is sending it to everybody in his district. MORE »

This may come as a shock, but a prominent anti-homosexual Republican attorney general has apparently been caught having homosexual sex intercourse with his homosexual gay male assistant. Bonus: The dude’s wife caught him, in their bed. This is the rumor that the AG’s office has officially denied, so now of course everybody is spilling the sordid details. MORE »

Meet a brave American Hero: L.F. Eason III, the “29-year veteran of the state Department of Agriculture” who chose early retirement over the foul task of lowering the American Flag to half mast for the dead bigot Jesse Helms. MORE »

LARRY CRAIG FINALLY HAS INTERNET FRIENDS! One of you noticed Gay Larry Craig had no virtual pals on this FreedomSpeaks site, so a bunch of you people went over there and kindly befriended the Idaho Bathroom Goblin. Who says chivalry is dead? [FreedomSpeaks]

Why is gay Senator Larry Craig always getting arrested in public restrooms? Because he’s the Idaho Bathroom Goblin, that’s why! Also, as this picture proves, it’s because he has no Internet friends. So sad. [Official Profile: Sen. Larry E. Craig]

As we all know, racist old colostomy bag Jesse Helms bravely died on the patriotic anti-gay July 4 day of American Independence … or did he? Our sources in North Carolina say there’s an insane nursing-home cover-up engineered by the Jesse Helms Center’s goons to make gullible racist Americans believe Helms died and went to Hell in the early hours of July 4, when his rancid body actually expired on the night of July 3! MORE »

We interrupt your Fourth of July with some Breaking News: Jesse Helms was apparently still alive, and now he’s dead, hooray! He was a sour troll and a bigot, and it’s a testament to every rotten thing about this country that for a quarter century, he was one of the most powerful people in American politics. [LAT/NYT]

Orange-skinned Florida “bachelor 4 life” Charlie Crist is the latest in Florida’s long line of moderate Republican politicians who live swinging, middle-aged male lives without women. But he apparently really wants to lose with John McCain this fall, so he has announced the impending tinkle of little wedding bells! MORE »

Charles “Chip” Pickering is the only Mississippi Republican left in the House. He is the ultra-conservative son of famous racist/civil rights champion and retired federal judge Charles Pickering. Chip announced in August that he was quitting Congress so he could, of course, spend more time with his family, and get a lucrative lobbying job. The lobbying job will surely come, but on Friday it was announced that Chip is divorcing his wife so he can spend more time with all the various women he’s been connected with over the years. What, a Republican in Congress who commits adultery with the opposite sex? MORE »