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UNINTELLIGIBLE YELLING. Wonkagenda For Thurs., March 21, 2019

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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.


During one of his narcissistic rambling word salads, President Trump said Mueller's report should "come out," but the decision was ultimately up to AG William Barr. Trump then screamed at reporters, "There was no collusion. There was no obstruction. There was no nothing."

With Congress holding Uncle Sam's purse in a death grip, Trump is now looking to launder money from a French banking scandal towards his wall. French bank Societe Generale cut a $1.3 billion deal after it was caught doing business in Cuba and Iran, and the administration thinks it can dump some of that cash into a Treasury slush fund for WALL. Nobody is sure if he can legally do this since the money usually goes to local governments, federal agencies, and informants, but it's not like that's stopped them before.

Trump is considering auto tariffs that could reach as high as 25 percent after the Commerce Department secretly crafted a report to justify the tariffs on national security grounds. A number of White House officials -- even the crazier ones! -- are warning that this would set off a Cat. 5 shitstorm with congressional Republicans who are weary of Trump dicking around with the economy. Politico adds that some Republicans suspect the Commerce Department reverse-engineered the report in an attempt to find a way to let Trump build a protectionist wall around the entire country.

According to EPA Director Andrew Wheeler, poopy trash water is a bigger threat than climate change. In a new interview with CBS, Wheeler says the people won't really start dying en masse from climate change for at least another 50 years, meanwhile kids in "shithole countries" and cities are dying from polluted water that is in no way linked to climate change.

The DOD has started an investigation into acting Defense Secretary Pat Shanahan after he seemed to be ALLEGEDLY pulling some strings for his old pals at Boeing. A spox tells Politico that he welcomes the investigation that was started following a request from a watchdog group who thought it odd for Shanahan to talk a bunch of shit about Lockheed-Martin's (INVISIBLE) F-35 during meetings, and reports that he pressured the Air Force to buy fancy experimental jets from Boeing.

Axios gossips IF #HesRunning, Joe Biden might immediately tap Stacey Abrams for VEEP so he can run on a sort of WYSIWYG ticket. Advisers have cautioned him that his mere presence in the race could create another "air of inevitability," but some political wizards think such a move would rebuild a lot of burnt bridges.

California Sen. and 2020 Democratic candidate Kamala Harris is headed to Texas to fight Beto on his own turf. Politico reports that Harris's camp is making a push for some of Texas's 228 delegates by barnstorming areas like Houston and Dallas, while simultaneously trying to snatch up the best staffers before the other candidates can get to them.

During a town hall on CNN, former Colorado governor and 2020 candidate John Hickenlooper stepped on his own dick when he wondered why nobody was asking the WOMYN if they'd put a man on their ticket. After the Twitterati labeled this as a "Hickenblooper," he dug his political grave a little deeper by attempting to add context. While that sounds bad, it's not half as bad as his awkwardly admitting to seeing "Deep Throat" with his mom.

Crazy bastard Mike Gravel has a couple of kids shitposting on Twitter ahead of his likely 2020 candidacy. Gravel tells WaPo that he has no intention of winning because he's too goddamn old, and that the kids offered to do all the leg work for him just to see him say nutty bullshit in the debates. #GravelterSkelter.

Mike Pence has been schmoozing superrich Never Trumpers ahead of 2020. Politico reports Pence has been whispering sweet legislative nothings in their ears; translating Trump tweets in an effort to convince them to donate millions of Ameros to Trump PACs.

Kentucky's Tea Party Gov. Matt Bevin went on a radio show to brag about schleping all of his kids to a chicken pox party. Bevin, an anti-vaxxer, then complained about the long, strong, immunized arm of the law making kids get icky shots so they don't die miserable and entirely preventable deaths.

Soon to be indicted Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu will head to DC for a photo op with Trump. Axios gossips that Netanyahu, who is in the middle of a bitter election fight, wants to use the PR ploy to paint his election opponent, Benny Gantz, as a liberal weenus. The move comes as Netanyahu's allies openly embrace right-wing extremists, such as the Justice Minister Ayelet Shaked mocking her critics with an Ivanka-esque fake perfume ad called "Fascism" where a narrator seductively talks about a "judiciary revolution" and restraining of the Supreme Court.

Less than a week after suffering a horrific terrorist attack, New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern announced a ban on all military-style semiautomatic weapons, high-cap magazines, and all aftermarket gizmos gun fetishists use to make their hand-held death dealers kill faster. In addition, Ardern said following a return period people caught with the weapons of war would be fined $2,700 or face three years in prison. Ardern's ban isn't expected to face any resistance.

Turkish dictator president Recep Tayyip Erdogan has been airing footage of the New Zealand terrorist at campaign rallies ahead of his election, screaming that Turkey would "take its own reprisals" against the killer if New Zealand did not. Upon hearing this, Ardern told New Zealand's foreign minister to pack a bag and get his ass over to Turkey to tell Erdogan to shut the genocidal sewer he calls a mouth.

British Prime Minister Theresa May formally asked the EU for an extension on Brexit. In response, the head of the European Council told May it would only say "yes" if Parliament approves her Brexit agreement, which is (probably) never going to happen. Here's the rub: The EU can't exactly make the UK do anything right now, so they'll probably have to approve the extension as calls for a second referendum grow even louder.

Jared Kushner and his brother have been making some friends in Saudi Arabia. The New York Times reports the brothers Kush have been spotted in Riyadh -- while Jared was supposedly talking "policy" with Mr. Bonesaw, his little brother Josh was shilling vaporware investment opportunities from his investment firm to top Saudi officials. A spox for little Kush says there's no funny business, and everything is totally legal.

Jared Kushner's ex-con dad wrote an op-ed that says there's nothing criminal about Jared's business practices, and you all need to stop saying Jared's business practices are criminal. Big papa Kush says his wunderkid turned around their family's criminal empire by screwing poor people in the Baltimore projects and marrying into an even more corrupt family of grifters, and you all need to respect his game!

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft might get to go to the White House despite getting caught with his dick in the hands of massage parlor. Politico reports Trump wants Kraft, a regular at Mar-a-Lago, to be there when he meets Kraft's sportsball team, but White House aides caution a photo op with the superrich sex creeper won't have a happy ending.

After a nosy neighbor complained about the height of his six-foot fence, a Santa Rosa, California, man set a bunch of nude mannequins in his yard, and posed them to look like a sexy garden party.

And here's your morning Nice Time! All the animals!

Animals Having Fun on the First Day of Spring www.youtube.com

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.

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