It's His Tax Man. Wonkagenda For Fri., April 5, 2019


Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Attorney General Bill Barr's whitewashing of Robert Mueller's Trump-Russia report has wrinkled brows throughout DC, with anonymous officials close to Mueller's team whispering to reporters that Barr has been putting Trump's words in their mouths. Now congressional Democrats wonder if Barr himself is obstructing justice in trying to cover up Trump's obstruction of justice.

In yet another last minute attempt to delay his prison sentence, Michael Cohen says he's willing to give Congress another 14 million documents in exchange for Democrats telling prosecutors how much of a good boy he's been. With Cohen expected to be living in a prison onesie in just under a month, his lawyers are hoping the voicemails and TAPES will convince everyone that he's still got something to say.

After House Democrats told the IRS to cough up six years of Trump's tax returns, Trump huffed and groused, "They'll speak to my lawyers and they'll speak to the attorney general." Politico notes that the quiet chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, Richard Neal, feels he's on solid legal ground and thus has no need to make a ton of noise or broadcast what his moves are. This morning the New York Times reports Trump curiously asked Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to prioritize confirming his own tax guy as legal counsel to the IRS. He was confirmed last month.

Trump walked back his threat to close the Mexican border yesterday, tweeting that he'd given Mexico a "one-year warning." After criticizing Mexico for the US's drug problem and threatening to impose auto tariffs, Trump praised the Mexican government for stopping all the drugs coming over the "in the last three or four days," prompting Mexican authorities to respond, "Que?"

Citing two unnamed Pentagon officials, Newsweek reports Gen. Robert Neller, commandant of the Marine Corps, personally allowed memos to leak that called Trump's border wall cash grab an "unacceptable risk to Marine Corps combat readiness and solvency" because "he didn't want the Marines and families at Camp Lejeune [in North Carolina] to get fucked." To put the military pushback of Trump's wall and border shenanigans in context: This is like taking a dump on your boss's front porch and then signing your name on the lawn with Greek fire.

The House voted to end US support for the Saudi-led war in Yemen (again), setting the bill up for another Trump veto, and more dead kids in "shithole countries."

Trump's White House has suddenly withdrawn Ron Vitiello as its pick to head ICE. The administration and DHS aren't telling anyone WHY they suddenly pulled him, but Vitiello was scheduled to take a field trip with Trump to the Mexican border later today.

Failed 2012 presidential candidate and ALLEGED sex monster Herman Cain has been tapped for a seat on the Federal Reserve Board. Cain, A Idiot and Islamophobe, has advocated for a return to the gold standard, but is most famous for promoting Sim City's 9-9-9 cheat codes as a legitimate tax policy.

The House voted to reauthorize the Violence Against Women Act, but not before Republicans loudly bemoaned provisions that would restrict creepozoids with misdemeanor convictions for domestic abuse and stalking from buying guns (AKA: "the boyfriend loophole"). Amid crass shouts from Republicans, Michigan Democratic Rep. Debbie Dingell asked, "Why would you not close a simple loophole that says if someone has been convicted — convicted, not accused! — convicted of domestic violence, that they not have access to a gun?" [Full Video]

Politico has an interesting long read about how the House Freedom Crazies used Mick Mulvaney and Fox News to mindmeld with Trump and shutdown the government (again).

Self-described Florida man Republican Rep. Matt Gaetz is said to be considering a Senate run in Alabama. The Hill reports Trump World is egging Gaetz on in the hope he can snatch the Senate seat of Democrat Doug Jones, but first he'd have to win a primary fight against Rep. Bradley Byrne, who's been criss-crossing the state for over a year. The nudging of Gaetz is rumored to have started after internal polls showed Byrne getting his ass stomped by Republican Rep. Mo Brooks in a head-to-head matchup.

Rep. Eric Swalwell says #HesRunning on a platform of gun control. Blech.

Arizona state Rep. David Stringer resigned last week over allegations he used to drive to Baltimore and pay 15-year-old boys $10 to let him rape them back in the 1980s when he served as a US House rep. Now the Arizona Central reports that Stringer, as recently as last year, told a child sex trafficking activist that child sex trafficking isn't a problem and he was super awful and terrifying about it and it's about "uncles" and congratulations everyone, everything is swell.

After a former Democratic candidate for the state legislature called Republican Rep. Paul Gosar a "pig," Gossar responded by calling the man a "porn loving whiny bitch" from his personal Twitter account. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Tennessee legislators don't want to give US citizenship to the newborn babies of undocumented immigrants, so they've introduced a law that makes fathers jump through a half a dozen legal hoops in order to prove they themselves are US citizens. Tell it to Wong Kim Ark.

After meeting with Jeremy Corbyn, the leader of the liberal Labor Party, British Prime Minister Theresa May has formally asked the EU for ANOTHER Brexit delay. The move is expected to piss off members of her conservative base as the head of the European Council, Donald Tusk, has been lobbying members of the EU for a "flextension."

Polish authorities say four (probably drunk) English men spotted by an AP photographer wearing lime green mankinis while riding in a horse-drawn carriage could be cited for "indecent antics," and locked up for 30 days or fined 5,000 zlotys ($1,300) each.

Wikileaks is freaking out over reports that Julian Assange is about to be kicked out of Ecuador's British embassy. According to Wikileaks, the move comes in response to their posting of documents that accuse Ecuadorian President Lenin Moreno of laundering money while serving as a UN special envoy for the disabled in Geneva, and this has nothing to do with the government taking away his cat or calling him a filthy house guest who peddles conspiracy theories.

The Mormon Church had another "revelation" and announced it no longer considers gaymosexuals and their kids as heathens living in sin, and will allow the babies of Satan's buttsex cult to be baptized. Members of the LDS do still think the LGBQT have a bad POV, but it's a start.

We can only assume Tucker Carlson got high before he ran a three-minute segment wondering if Trump was purposely sabotaging himself in 2020 for considering a hike on the gas tax. Tucker leaned into the camera with his trademark vacant stare and slack jaw, and asked, "How would you like to spend your 70s locked in the White House?" Well, how about prison? [Video]

The local government of a San Francisco suburb says a multimillion-dollar house resembling "The Flinstones" family home is a nuisance, and the homeowner needs to take down all of the large, goofy crap scattered about the yard. Neighbors and city officials contend the bulbous, red and purple house -- with its large dinosaur and mushroom sculptures -- is an eyesore, but the homeowner says they're a bunch of dicks who hate "The Flintstones" and freedom and gay old times.

And here's your morning Nice Time! IT'S MOE! Look at him (slowly) go!

Moe's New Home - Cincinnati Zoo

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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