A CHALLENGER APPEARS! Wonkagenda For Thurs., April 25, 2019


Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Former Vice President Joe Biden announced his third presidential run this morning. In his announcement video Biden talks about beating the bejesus out of Trump and his sycophantic army of white supremacist asswipes (with votes), with many outlets reporting he'll adopt a center-left platform. Politico reports Biden, in order to quickly close big gaps in the money primary, will be leaning heavily on labor unions throughout the Rust Belt, and his connections to Obama.

Joe Biden For President: America Is An Idea

At the first ever She The People Presidential Forum in Houston, Texas, Democratic presidential candidates were forced to get specific on issues important to women of color, like abortion, gentrification, voter suppression, trans rights, sentencing reform, and police shootings. Among the notable highlights, Beto pledged to support the Equal Rights Amendment, Sen. Kamala Harris promised to pardon low-level drug offenders, Cory Booker (again) promised to pick a woman for VEEP, and Elizabeth Warren told men to stop crying about women in power.

Political wizards think South Bend, Indiana, Mayor Pete Buttigieg might be stumbling in South Carolina in his efforts to woo older black voters due to an amalgam of issues. Still, Buttigieg has been hauling in cash thanks to a vast network of donors in the LGBT community, and he'll probably make a hell of a lot more since Franklin Graham started screaming about Buttigieg being the gay anti-Christ ushering in the homopocalypse. Hallelujah!

Along with stonewalling investigations into Trump's tax fuckery, Russian fuckery, and legal fuckery, Trump's White House is now adding census fuckery to the list of things it hopes to "run out the clock" on. Trump's DOJ says it won't comply with a congressional subpoena that seeks to drag an administration official up to the Hill unless the stooge's lawyer can come along. In a statement, Chairman of the House Oversight Committee Elijah Cummings scoffed and (in so many words) said "Motherfucker, YOU ARE A LAWYER!"

Trump's probably going to be pissed when he finds out Deutsche Bank has started turning over financial records to the New York attorney general as part of an investigation into shady loans for multiple Trump Organization trash palaces in New York, Miami, and Chicago, as well as Trump's failed attempt to buy the Buffalo Bills. Gee, it would be a shame if those records were leaked to some enterprising reporters...

Yesterday Trump threatened to go to the Supreme Court if House Democrats begin impeachment proceedings. Legal geeks note SCOTUS has abso-goddamn-lutely nothing to do with impeachment.

Democratic House members returning home for their first town halls since the 2018 midterm elections are finding most of their constituents are more interested in kitchen table issues like healthcare, anti-vaxers, public education, infrastructure, and immigration reform than they are about the Mueller Report. "If you wake up thinking you're being deported every day," Minnesota Rep. Dean Phillips tells Politico, "the Mueller report doesn't really matter to you."

In a new op-ed, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton tells everyone to calm the fuck down instead of screaming to #IMPEACH, arguing we should let the investigative process play out. "A crime was committed against all Americans," says Clinton, "and all Americans should demand action and accountability."

The CDC reports 695 cases of measles in 22 states, and calls it "the greatest number of cases reported in the United States since measles was eliminated from this country in 2000." Health officials are begging people to put down their magic herbs and chakra crystals and get their brats vaccinated in order to prevent an easily avoidable epidemic.

The NRA is suing the city of Los Angeles in an attempt to shoot down a new city ordinance that forces city officials to disclose any ties with the gun lobby. In a related story, as the NRA loads up for its annual convention this weekend, Everytown For Gun Safety has unveiled a new ad campaign calling the ammosexual org "more fringe and more toxic to the Americans it has long claimed to represent."

A top aide for former New Jersey Republican Gov. Chris Christie who was thrown under the bus during Bridgegate was sentenced to 13 months in prison. Speaking to reporters outside the courthouse, an emotional Bridget Anne Kelly maintained her innocence and blamed everything on Christie (again), adding, "you are a bully and the days of you calling me a liar and destroying my life are over." Just prior to her sentencing, Kelly told the New York Times, "I was a loyal soldier in the sense that I got to work every day, commuted farther than anyone in that office ... Let's be clear, he was a micromanager. If I suggested mac and cheese, he wanted the buffalo mac and cheese. Details were important to him."

Illinois's super rich Democratic Gov. JB Pritzker, his wife, and brother-in-law are under federal investigation for tax fuckery, according to Chicago NPR affiliate WBEZ. The Chicago Sun-Times was first to publish documents showing the Pritzkers removed all the toilets from their fancy Chicago mansion in order to declare the property "uninhabitable," devaluing the property and ultimately netting them a cool $331,000 in tax breaks. This would be pretty shitty in any other city or state, but it's business as usual in Chicago.

The FBI raided Baltimore's City Hall and the home of Mayor Catherine Pugh. The raid is widely believed to be related to an on-going corruption scandal involving Pugh, her self-published kids books, and the University of Maryland Medical System that saw Pugh raking in $700,000 in exchange for city contracts.

Federal officials want to know why the hell Uncle Sam's Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty news services were spewing propaganda in favor of Tajikistan President Emomali Rahmon. Nerds and US officials have long complained about Rahmon's corruption, nepotism, and history of snuffing out dissent and religious freedom since he began his reign in 1992.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un and Russian dictator Vladimir Putin met in Vladivostok earlier today for their first-ever talks. State media agencies have shockingly called the meetings a big success despite statements from Moscow that the meeting will amount to nothing more than both leaders pissing in the face of Donald Trump.

Police in Brazil arrested a parrot for snitching. According to police, the bird began squawking, “Mamãe, polícia," as police moved in on two suspected crack dealers. Local media outlets have reported the bird is not cooperating with police.

And here's your morning Nice Time: 180° OF PIRATE BIRDS!

'Pirate Birds' of the Tropics 180 | National Geographic

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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