It's Oh So Quiet. Wonkagenda For Thurs., May 9, 2019


Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

The administration's stonewalling of investigations by House Democrats has created a "constitutional crisis," according to House Judiciary Chair Jerry Nadler. The administration has a lot of political nerds worried about the precedents being set for future legislatures and presidencies. For their part, Trump World thinks this is all part of some nefarious and complicated plot to make sure Trump isn't reelected, so the increasingly isolated TV president is purposely throwing tantrums about the separation of powers. Meanwhile, Democrats are now threatening to garnish wages and jail Trump officials who refuse to comply with congressional subpoenas.

The Republican-led Senate Intel Committee has sent a subpoena to DJTJ. The committee wants to drag his ass back up to the Hill to answer more questions about that Trump Tower meeting with Russians in July of 2016, as well as the revelation that the Trump's were attempting to build a trash palace in Moscow. Axios scoops the subpoena is likely the result of Trump Junior declining a request to testify before the committee, while Maggie Haberman gossips that someone "close" to Junior told her this is a "PR stunt from a so-called 'Republican' Senator.'"

Fun Fact: Roll Call reports that in the past various rooms have been used to detain people who refused to comply with congressional subpoenas. There isn't a Capitol jail per se, but a number of reps are now getting questions about where they MIGHT hold grifters. Yesterday, Nancy Pelosi told WaPo she doesn't think we should be rushing to #LockThemUp (yet) because -- if there was a jail -- it wouldn't be big enough to hold all the administration officials who keep criming.

In a speech to the ultra-conservative Federalist Society, Mike Pence cried about district courts slowing down and stopping Trump policies, and tried to gin up support for SCOTUS to bar lower courts from issuing nationwide injunctions against things like Trump's Muslim travel ban, trans ban, and baby jails.

During one of his white supremacist campaign rallies in Florida last night, Trump laughed off one of his supporters shouting that we should shoot undocumented asylum-seeking immigrants, saying, "That's only in the Panhandle you can get away with that."

A bunch of Kellyanne Conway's really old anti-abortion polls have MAGICALLY turned up in new HHS rules giving doctors and health workers the ability to decline care for religious reasons. At the time, Kellyanne's fun with numbers was bought and paid for by the Christian Medical and Dental Associations in order to give religious nuts talking points about babby, but public health officials are worried the new HHS rules -- which cite Kellyanne's dubious and old data as their only source -- are from a time before Obamacare changed the opinions of current and future medical professionals.
Fun Fact: The polls cited were conducted online using self-selected doctors in faith-based medical associations, and Kellyanne wrote a memo on one that said the results were, "not intended to be representative of the entire medical profession."

Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren has ANOTHER new policy rolling out ahead of her campaign stops on the Appalachian hollers. Warren is teaming up with Maryland Rep. Elijah Cummings and proposing $100 billion for states to combat the opioid crisis. The proposal would spread money around to states and communities, various public health systems, and non-profits, prioritizing addiction treatment. Warren says the plan is easily paid for via her tax on the super rich.

South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg is crowding Sen. Kamala Harris in California, making a play for famous deep-pocketed donors and clamoring for some of the state's 500 delegates by holding a number of community events and low-dollar fundraisers. The move comes as a bit of a shock to political fortune tellers who thought Harris had the state locked up months ago, but others feel this is Hollywood trying the "flavor of the month."

Republicans want Wyoming Rep. Liz Cheney to replace Republican Sen. Mike Enzi, but the party is worried they'll lose a powerful bomb thrower and one of the only Republican women in the House. Cheney has been vocal about her intention to become Speaker should Republicans retake the House, but the allure of the Senate may prove too much for the gay-hating and torture loving bullshit artist.

North Korea is suspected to have fired two short-range rockets (again) that appear to be based on Russian designs, according to the South Korean military. The US has yet to comment on the DPRK's (allegedly) broken promise to Trump that it would no longer fire missiles.

Following the complete clusterfuck in Venezuela, Trump is beginning to question his own hawkish foreign policy. WaPo reports national security mustache John Bolton has pissed off Trump World by trying to shove the US into a conflict with Venezuela's dictator, Nicolas Maduro, and his simultaneous saber rattling at Iran. Business Insider reports that Bolton and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo have a hard-on for a war with Iran, and there's suspicions that Bolton is twisting flimsy Israeli intel to support his infamous "bloody nose" policy. Yesterday, in response to the US moving a carrier air wing into the Middle East, Iran said they would no longer comply with the JCPOA, causing EU members to issue a joint statement pleading with Iran to calm the fuck down.

Fox News has been fanning the flames of that stupid Ukranium One scandal, and it's just claimed its first scalp. Masha Yovanovitch, the US ambassador to Ukraine, was suddenly recalled for being disloyal to Trump World. Yovanovitch has been talking shit about (ALLEGEDLY) crooked Ukrainian politicos, but the whispers from Foggy Bottom say Trump World is trying to cover its own scandalous ass, and curry favor with Putin and his "little green men."

The 23-year-old MAGA brat who made headlines for his "Students for Trump" group has been indicted for wire fraud after ALLEGEDLY posing as a New York lawyer and grifting thousands, and now Trump World is trying to act like they never even heard of this little asshole.

Some dumbass kid who sued a Kentucky high school for excluding him from school activities due to not having been vaccinated for chickenpox has now contracted the chickenpox. The little shit initially made a big stink about religious exemptions, but I guess God (or whatever) didn't get the memo.

A Rhode Island school district has enacted a new policy for students with outstanding debt on their school lunch accounts. According to a post on the school district's Facebook page, students in free or reduced lunch programs will only get sunflower butter and jelly sandwiches if they're unable to pay their debts. Warwick School Committee chair Karen Bachus tells NBC, "Before we used to give a cheese sandwich which did single them out, but now we've gone with an on-the-menu meal. So what's wrong with that?"

An Ohio woman has been arrested on burglary charges after sneaking into her neighbors' house to pet a dog and wash dishes. Local police say the woman came through the back door and sat down on the couch, and began petting the family dog. An area resident told local reporters, "She didn't get mad or anything when they cuffed her up," adding, "At least she's a friendly burglar, you know?"

Denver just voted to decriminalize "magic mushrooms"! My dad thinks it's only a matter of time until they legalize peyote.

Samantha Bee 'splainered the crisis at the NRA, and how they've been bleeding so much cash there is no longer water coolers and coffee pots at NRA offices. (You guys knew that so long ago.)

NRA's Unfriendly Fire | May 8, 2019 Act 2 | Full Frontal on TBS

And here's your morning Nice Time: KEYBOARD CATS!

Pianist cat 🐈🎹😴

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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