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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.


The House will vote on their immigration bill later today, but don't expect anything to pass while the Freedom Crazies keep bitching about "amnesty." Yesterday the Chairman of the House Freedom Caucus Mark Meadows and Speaker Paul Ryan bitched each other out on the House floor, with Meadows ALLEGEDLY threatening to sign the DACA-only discharge petition. Meanwhile, "moderate" Republicans are still trying to push a "compromise" bill, and are threatening to work with Democrats.

A federal judge has told the Trump administration that it can't harass detained Iraqi refugees living in the US and force them to sign voluntary deportation papers, and ICE is legally obligated to allow detainees access to legal counsel and phone calls.

The Pentagon has put out an "urgent request" for JAG officers (military lawyers) with "criminal trial experience" to prosecute illegal immigration cases. No immigration law experience is necessary, Uncle Sam will give you a crash course on the way over.

A new report from AP states immigrant children as young as 14 being held in a detention center in Virginia are claiming to have been beaten while handcuffed, locked up in solitary confinement, and left to lay naked in concrete cells.

Nobody is sure what's going to happen to the 2,000 kids currently held in Trump's tent towns and cage camps as his vague executive order only applies to families being detained after the EO was signed.

ICE agents have arrested 146 people in a northeast Ohio meat processing facility, the largest raid in recent history.

After an American Airlines flight attendant penned a sobering op-ed in the Houston Chronicle about working a flight with migrant children being sent to a Trump detention center, a number of airlines declined to play Trump's state-sponsored terror game and now a pissed off DHS is claiming the airlines "don't understand" the policy, but that's probably because they have to fly on one of those shitty airlines that have no legroom.

Vanity Fair's Gabe Sherman reports Stephen Miller grows a long rubbery one everytime he sees pictures of Trump's baby jails, and Sarah Huckabee Sanders is sad that Trump can't figure out what the fuck he's doing.

Trump bragged about his meeting on the Hill as a gay old time, but several Republican lawmakers call that poppycock, with Rep. Justin Amash tweeting "Nobody applauded or laughed. People were disgusted."

Trump bragged about his meeting on the Hill as a carefree and joyous event, however Trump held a rally in Minnesota with a bunch of conspiracy theorists where he mocked protesters, promoted North Korea, bitched about HER EMAILS, fear mongered about MS-13, and called Nancy Pelosi the she-devil. He ranted about being "tough" on the border, but was noticeably silent about his baby jails.

Later today Trump's White House will reveal its proposal to merge the Education and Labor Departments in an effort to downsize the federal government. Additionally, HHS is expected to be rebranded the Department of Health and Public Welfare and take control of SNAP, on top of additional cuts to the social safety net and public school system.

The Senate barely shot down Trump's plan to grab $15 billion by the pussy from the trillion dollar spending bill that already passed in March after Democrats and TWO Republicans, Richard Burr and Susan Collins, thought cutting CHIP was a bad idea.

Arizona Republican Sen. Jeff Flake is threatening to block Trump's attempt to pack the courts in order to start a debate about Trump's trade war, and reinstatement of a Cuban travel ban. Mitch McConnell's going to be SO MAD!

A new FOIA request revealed Scott Pruitt spent 4.6 million dollars on security, including 'tactical' cargo pants, polo shirts, radios, shoulder holsters for radios, and breach kits. Note: These wimps didn't get tactical kilts.

During a hearing before the Senate Intel committee, former assistant secretary of state for European and Eurasian affairs for the Obama administration, Victoria Nuland, warned that Russia's 2016 election fuckery has encouraged US adversaries to engage in their own cyber fuckery. Appearing with Nuland was Michael Daniel, Obama's White House cyber czar, who revealed that all 50 states were poked by Russian fuckery, but he was given an order to "stand down" on retaliating. Both Nuland and Daniel cautioned lawmakers that these threats will only continue unless we take appropriate counter-measures.

Trump's White House is BEGGING the Senate not to ban shady Chinese tech firm ZTE, and they're hoping Wilbur Ross can stay awake long enough to con people into supporting Trump's next con.

There will be no congressional picnic this year after somebody in the White House realized it would be bad optics to show legislators laughing it up while little brown children scream in cages.

Former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is hoping to buy his way into public office (again) by pledging $80 million to help Democrats retake the House. #HesRunning

Rudy Giuliani's dick is caught in the middle of a Republican primary in Louisiana's third district, and local Republicans really wish the senile booze hound and his fuck buddy would stay out of the race.

Republicans in Missouri are desperate to to make a thing out of Claire McCaskill's husband's plane. SCANDAL, Y'ALL!

A old woman in Philly was shot in the face with a flying weiner shot from a cannon during a sportsball game, but she's cool. [Video]

John Bolton will visit Moscow next week to draw up plans for Trump's meeting with Putin, which is expected to be held before the NATO summit in Brussels, or after Trump's visit to Britain in July 13. Coincidentally, several Republican Senators will celebrate Independence Day in Moscow. #MURICA!

The BBC is reporting that logistical staff at a Doctors Without Borders facility in Africa were trading drugs for sex, with one whistleblower loosely quoting a staffer saying, "young girls who had lost their parents to the ebola crisis would do anything sexual in exchange for medication."

Yesterday's UN report on the Syrian chemical attacks left out a few things, mainly the chemical attacks on civilians.

American Media Inc., the publisher of the National Enquirer, has been served a subpoena for its role in paying $150,000 to former Playboy model Karen McDougal as part of an ongoing investigation into Michael Cohen's hankypanky hushmoney. [Archive]

Julia Ioffe has a long story about how DJTJ's search for his father's love has led him to all the wrong places. It's a great read, and paints him a sad and pathetic loser.

People got mad at a joke Twitter account that called out racist rightwing trolls after the account called out racism from systemic oppression, and the irony is tragic.

Vice's Motherboard has a good write-up about how Trump's FCC is racing the clock to roll back rules on monopolies in order to help the ultra-conservative Sinclair Media gobble up as many small town tv stations and newspapers as possible.

Now that it has control of the Internet, Trump's newly minted FTC chief is calling for 15-20 hearings on tech platforms.

Four years ago OPM was hacked and somebody made off with information on 22 million federal workers, but it's only now that we've found the first cases of identity theft, and that's raising even more questions about the breach.

Sam Bee talked about how Trump fixed his baby jails, then took a look at the cult of impeachment being led by Tom Steyer.

GOOD NEWS! New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Arden gave birth to a baby girl! Hurray for baby Kiwis!

And here's your morning Nice Time! Baby spider monkeys!

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!

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Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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