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What's Grandpa LoudBad whining about today?


"Perhaps Intelligence should go back to school!" "The intelligence people seem to be extremely passive and naive!" (We didn't include all of Trump's tweets from this morning's Executive Time. There are MANY MORE!)

President Hamberder Smells is a man who does not read and who seems to get all his foreign policy "knowledge" from Vladimir Putin, and he is telling the intel chiefs HE APPOINTED that they're idiots who need to go back to school, because they just don't understand the world bigly and yoogely like he does. After all, as he tells us constantly, he is the smartest person in America, he knows more than the generals, he's a technology expert, nobody knows more about technology than he does, and also DID YOU KNOW THE F-35 AIRPLANE IS LITERALLY INVISIBLE? AND THAT WHEELS ARE OLDER THAN WALLS?

We don't need to make jokes about how only the stupidest person alive would say any of these things, because you already know.

But the president is clearly responding to Tuesday's annual worldwide threats hearing in the Senate Intelligence Committee, where all the chiefs he picked calmly explained to senators that literally everything Donald Trump believes is a dumb fucking lie, and that if senators wanted any more details on that, they'd have to wait until the closed classified session to get any real answers. It's hard for a president who's probably a foreign agent to find good help these days, and by "good help" we mean appointees who are also foreign agents!


The hearing accompanied the release of the annual Worldwide Threat Assessment from Dan Coats, Trump's director of national intelligence, which is a rebuke to literally everything Trump has ever believed in his entire sad, senile life. Here are some things confronting America and the world today, cited in the threat assessment, and which the chiefs testified to on Tuesday, all of which the president has deemed fake news:

  • Russia and China are more in lockstep with each other than ever, their alliance is only getting stronger, and they "pose the greatest espionage and cyber attack" threats to America and the rest of the free world.
  • Russia is absolutely going to fuck with the 2020 American presidential election, probably worse than in 2016. Worked so well the first time!
  • China's probably going to get in on the election fuckery action too!
  • Even worse than that, "Moscow is now staging cyberattack assets to allow it to disrupt or damage US civilian and military infrastructure during a crisis." So that's cool. So glad Trump meets with Vladimir Putin in secret and doesn't tell his own administration what's being discussed.
  • Trump's "Make America Alone Again" policies are weakening our global standing and damaging our alliances.
  • ISIS is not actually destroyed like Trump seems to believe, but rather remains a threat, not just in the Middle East, but also in other places.
  • North Korea is not actually complying with its promises, and doesn't plan to give up fuckall in its pursuit for nuclear weapons, despite how Trump thinks the North Korean threat is ALL GONE, because he and Kim Jong-un love each other!
  • Iran, on the other hand, is complying with the nuke deal, despite what Trump's minuscule compromised brain believes. However, Iran is still a threat in myriad other ways, and also is showing signs of maybe not complying with the nuke deal in the future. Wonder if Trump pulling out of it might have nudged that along!
  • The most important thing we need for national security is WALL on the Mexico border, just kidding, the report doesn't say WALL and none of the chiefs even talked about WALL on Tuesday. Guess that's just another one of the fever dreams that lives inside the president's butt.

To be clear, Coats, along with CIA Director Gina Haspel, FBI Director Christopher Wray, and others who testified, didn't say explicitly that Trump was full of shit. It was just screaming between the lines of every word that came out of their mouths, and that is obviously why President Yap Stupid up there is so upset with them today.

As the New York Times notes, while Trump's intel people were calling Trump a moron in one Senate meeting room, Mitch McConnell was calling Trump a moron in the main chamber:

The growing discontent among Republican national security hawks was most evident on Tuesday when Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, the majority leader and perhaps Mr. Trump's most important partner in Congress, effectively rebuked the president by introducing a measure denouncing "a precipitous withdrawal" of American troops from Syria and Afghanistan.

McConnell obviously has a different type of neo-con view on what we should be doing in Syria and Afghanistan than, say, Kamala Harris or Amy Klobuchar, but the one thing Democrats and Republicans seem to agree on when it comes to Syria and Afghanistan is that whatever happens, you don't just announce the motherfucking plan on Twitter and then pull all the troops out without a plan for doing that safely, or for making sure our allies don't get murdered dead in our absence.

The Times notes that congressional Republicans have grown a half a spine a few times recently, effectively smacking Trump in the face by voting overwhelmingly in the House to affirm our support for NATO, and against the Treasury Department's decision to lift sanctions on companies controlled by Putin's favorite oligarch Oleg Deripaska, who is also Paul Manafort's former boss and a character of high intrigue in the investigation into the Trumpo-Russian conspiracy to steal the 2016 election. Of course, Senate Republicans were totally cool with lifting those sanctions, so don't worry, it's not like patriotism is spreading like wildfire in the GOP or anything.

On Andrea Mitchell's TV news program, former acting CIA director John McLaughlin said the disagreement between Trump and his own people is "unprecedented in its scope," and House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff said basically the same thing:

"I don't think we have seen anything like this, where all the intelligence chiefs are at odds with the president's public pronouncements," said Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif.), who pledged "deep dives" by his panel into the threats discussed by the intelligence chiefs. "It is obviously very important that the American people understand the truth and what we know about the threats facing the country."

To read the Worldwide Threat Assessment from Trump's intel people, click here, and to watch the hearing, click here. Both present a fairly sane and normal real-world assessment of what's going on out there in the foreign lands, one which could just as easily have come from Obama's intel people, for the most part. And while you're reading and watching, just remember that whatever those chiefs say, Trump believes the opposite to be true, because he's a fucking idiot and also a wholly owned subsidiary of the Kremlin.

You know, "allegedly."

[Worldwide Threats Assessment]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Good morning, America! Attorney General Bill Barr is doing a presser at 9:30 AM EDT about the Mueller report, which nobody will be able to see until around noon or after, once Congress gets the redacted report on CDs. Seeing as that is bullshit, there's no reason to watch this thing, as journalists won't be able to ask him questions about a document they haven't seen. So ... go back to bed, everyone!

Ugh, fine, we guess we will do this, and that is because we care, even though we are quite certain HGTV is doing some kind of very important "Property Brothers" marathon that adds much more of value to the national discourse, and also covers it up with shiplap accent walls. Does Bill Barr do cover-ups with shiplap? No, because he doesn't have the good taste for that.

Reportedly, we are going to hear from Barr why certain things were redacted, including why he thinks certain facts are subject to executive privilege, which is funny because he is not the president and therefore cannot invoke executive privilege. But oh whatever! Details! Robert Mueller won't be there and none of his team will be there, which tells you something about how they feel about this whole process. If they felt like this was on the up-and-up, you'd imagine they might show up to present a united front. As that is not happening, assume the entire thing is a bullshit act meant to help Donald Trump set the narrative for what will otherwise be a very bad day for him.

The New York Times reported last night that the White House has already been briefed on significant portions of the report, because Bill Barr is a rightwing scam artist piece of shit who gives the Trump White House reacharounds. The briefings have reportedly been very helpful for the White House in coming up with how to rebut today's report, which is funny because we thought Trump said this report was a full exoneration, NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION. (Actually nope on both counts, since Mueller didn't decide the obstruction question, and even according to Barr's mash notes, he took a very limited view of the conspiracy question, focusing on the Russian government's hack and dump WikiLeaks operation.)

Anyway, assuming Trump is right about full exoneration, we guess Rudy Giuliani's rebuttal will state that Trump is guilty, full stop. Because that's what "rebuttal" means, correct?

Committee chairs in the House including Jerry Nadler, Adam Schiff and Maxine Waters have called upon Bill Barr to cancel today's briefing, as it is useless horseshit. Because Barr literally gives zero fucks about his reputation and apparently is OK with going down in history as a fecal stain on our institutions and the rule of law, the show will go on.

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Now What? Wonkagenda For Thurs., April 18, 2019

Bill Barr's book report, the NRA is doomed, and Johnny Cash will watch over the Capitol. Your morning news brief!

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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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