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The Biggus Dickus of allEarlier today, we learned that during Ted Cruz's days as the solicitor general of Texas, he and his team fought long and hard to ban the sale of "dildos, artificial vaginas, and other obscene devices."


This will likely put those rumors of Ted Cruz supposedly sexing five different human women behind Heidi's back to rest for good. I mean, politician or no, most ladies are not exactly lining up to bang a dude who is so clearly appalled by the concept of an orgasm that does not result in pregnancy. It will also give me yet another reason to continue innocently saying "You hate fucking? That's so weird! I'm sorry! Is it because you're bad at it?" every time I happen to meet a Republican dude in real life.

Under the watchful eye of a Ted Cruz presidency, there will be no "right" to "stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes" -- meaning that unless you are a Victorian housewife getting treatment for your hysteria problem, there will be no vibrators, dildos, double-sided dongs, pocket pussies, Fleshlights, etc. for you. Though I will bet you that you will still be able to get a penis pump. Just a feeling I have! Not sure why!

Thus, I would like to provide you with a list of options to prepare you for the Ted Cruz Dildo-ocalypse.

1. Hitachi Magic Wand, duh.

The Hitachi Magic Wand is universally recognized as the "Cadillac of Vibrators." HOWEVER, though we all know what it is, it's generally marketed as a vibrating massager meant to relieve muscle tension, and in 1999 their PR person said that "Clearly, [the Magic Wand] is a straightforward product. There are no implications of anything beyond standard health-care use." So there. Just tell Ted Cruz that you have a really sore neck. Pretty sure that's what Heidi does.

2. Raw Liver

For the fellas. Hey! I've read "Portnoy's Complaint," I know what's up.

3. Apple Pie

Also for the fellas! You know, because of the movie? Also Apple Pie is American (except for when it's Dutch?) and Ted Cruz would never ban anything American. I think it is safe to assume that Ted Cruz thinks orgasms are for the French or something.

4. Cucumbers

For the obvious. Although according to an episode of the Dr. Sue Johannsen Show I remember watching in college, you should put a condom over it so you don't get some kind of weird infection.

5. Detachable shower heads

Duh.

6. Guns

Ted Cruz loves guns, and they will never, ever be outlawed under his watch, and frankly he does not care where you stick them. Though in the interest of safety you probably do not want to stick a loaded gun into your vagina like this lady did. That could turn out poorly.

7. This sassy Ted Cruz bobble head

8. Falafel 

HEY, if it's something Bill O'Reilly wants to sex the ladies up with, you can be sure that it will be wholesome enough to pass the muster of a Ted Cruz Presidential Ban On Sex Things.

9. Cigars

Just so long as they aren't from Cuba, because Ted is still very sure that it makes sense to continue the trade embargo against Cuba for being a Communist nation, even though China, also a Communist nation, is one of our top trading partners.

10. A copy of the United States Constitution dipped in maple syrup. 

Because of course.

Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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