The Biggus Dickus of allEarlier today, we learned that during Ted Cruz's days as the solicitor general of Texas, he and his team fought long and hard to ban the sale of "dildos, artificial vaginas, and other obscene devices."

This will likely put those rumors of Ted Cruz supposedly sexing five different human women behind Heidi's back to rest for good. I mean, politician or no, most ladies are not exactly lining up to bang a dude who is so clearly appalled by the concept of an orgasm that does not result in pregnancy. It will also give me yet another reason to continue innocently saying "You hate fucking? That's so weird! I'm sorry! Is it because you're bad at it?" every time I happen to meet a Republican dude in real life.

Under the watchful eye of a Ted Cruz presidency, there will be no "right" to "stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes" -- meaning that unless you are a Victorian housewife getting treatment for your hysteria problem, there will be no vibrators, dildos, double-sided dongs, pocket pussies, Fleshlights, etc. for you. Though I will bet you that you will still be able to get a penis pump. Just a feeling I have! Not sure why!

Thus, I would like to provide you with a list of options to prepare you for the Ted Cruz Dildo-ocalypse.

1. Hitachi Magic Wand, duh.

The Hitachi Magic Wand is universally recognized as the "Cadillac of Vibrators." HOWEVER, though we all know what it is, it's generally marketed as a vibrating massager meant to relieve muscle tension, and in 1999 their PR person said that "Clearly, [the Magic Wand] is a straightforward product. There are no implications of anything beyond standard health-care use." So there. Just tell Ted Cruz that you have a really sore neck. Pretty sure that's what Heidi does.

2. Raw Liver

For the fellas. Hey! I've read "Portnoy's Complaint," I know what's up.

3. Apple Pie

Also for the fellas! You know, because of the movie? Also Apple Pie is American (except for when it's Dutch?) and Ted Cruz would never ban anything American. I think it is safe to assume that Ted Cruz thinks orgasms are for the French or something.

4. Cucumbers

For the obvious. Although according to an episode of the Dr. Sue Johannsen Show I remember watching in college, you should put a condom over it so you don't get some kind of weird infection.

5. Detachable shower heads


6. Guns

Ted Cruz loves guns, and they will never, ever be outlawed under his watch, and frankly he does not care where you stick them. Though in the interest of safety you probably do not want to stick a loaded gun into your vagina like this lady did. That could turn out poorly.

7. This sassy Ted Cruz bobble head

8. Falafel 

HEY, if it's something Bill O'Reilly wants to sex the ladies up with, you can be sure that it will be wholesome enough to pass the muster of a Ted Cruz Presidential Ban On Sex Things.

9. Cigars

Just so long as they aren't from Cuba, because Ted is still very sure that it makes sense to continue the trade embargo against Cuba for being a Communist nation, even though China, also a Communist nation, is one of our top trading partners.

10. A copy of the United States Constitution dipped in maple syrup. 

Because of course.

Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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