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Photo by Dominic Gwinn

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.


Dear Crom, it's Election Day and we've been chugging coffee since 3:00 AM! The New York Times has a good infographic on when polls open and close, as well as some of the most important races to watch. The National Weather Service is warning people in the Midwest and the Southern East Coast to prepare for nasty storms, so plan accordingly! Crappy weather historically depresses voter turnout, so grab your coat and your wellies, carpool with your neighbors and roommates, or just take the damn bus! Get your ass to the polls!

Trump's bolted around the country to scare the piss out of his base of elderly and/or non-college educated white people. In a last ditch effort to grab women voters by the pussy, Trump brought in Ivanka, Kellyanne Conway, and Sarah Huckabee Sanders to talk about being moms and hopefully close his gigantic gender gap. This could be a problem as Trump's been calling "the accuser" of Justice Rapey McPrivilege a goddamn liar, adding that the accusations against Justice Privileges were a "fake" and a "scam." Real classy!

In an interview with Sinclair Broadcasting, Trump acknowledged that he's been a complete asshole, but then he went and did a rally with Sean Hannity, Jeanine Pirro, and Rush Limbaugh to complain about the Mexican Muslim taco truck invasion, and lie through his teeth Democratic candidates.

Here's a nice photo essay about what the last few days of campaigning has looked like across the country.

The Trump administration wants SCOTUS to decide whether or not Trump has to give DACA kids a slice of the American Dream, filing three petitions from three appeals courts that seek rulings on whether or not federal courts have jurisdiction in allowing taco trucks on every corner.

SCOTUS has declined to hear a challenge by the Trump administration to overturn a lower court ruling that upheld Obama-era net neutrality rules. Chief Justice John Roberts and Justice Rapey McPrivilege had to recuse themselves, leaving only Justices Thomas, Alito and Gorsuch to bitch and moan into the ethernet cables. The decision is a minor win for us proles, but a crucial step towards saving the interwebs from the clutches of Ma Bell.

FCC Chairman and piece of shit Ajit Pai wants telecom companies to stop all those obnoxious spoofed robocalls. In May, Pai took the unusual step of demanding his corporate overlords develop a system to authenticate phone calls, but Democratic FCC Commissioner Jessica Rosenworcel says we could be doing even more by mandating telecoms put a system in place by 2019, like Canada.

A federal judge in North Carolina says the Interior Department doesn't have the authority to lift a ban on killing endangered red wolves just because a couple of rednecks got pissy and started a slaughter lobby. The judge put the US Fish and Wildlife Service on blast by reminding the service of its own statement, "Wildlife are not the property of landowners but belong to the public and are managed by state and federal governments for the public good."

Gabe Sherman gossips that Trump's minions are really worried Robert Mueller has a target on DJTJ. At Hope Hicks's 30th birthday (sans Rob Porter -- GOOD!), numerous Trumps fondly recalled the "the old times," and wondered what the hell happened to Rudy Giuliani. Over on Pennsylvania Ave., Trump's minions are scrambling to figure how to deal with a Democratic House that's ready to start launching investigations on Day One.

US Border Patrol has decided that Election Day is the best day for a crowd control exercise in El Paso, Texas -- the homebase of Democratic Senate candidate Beto O'Rourke -- right by the polling place in the heavily Hispanic Chihuahuita neighborhood. This must be what Ted Cruz got in exchange for giving Trump a rimjob.

Assuming Democrats can take control of the House, the fight for leadership could come down to the Congressional Black Caucus. Candidates might rail about supporting Nancy Pelosi on the campaign trail, but congressional insiders are bracing for a cloakroom slobberknocker between Rep. Hakeem Jeffries and Rep. Jim Clyburn.

It's looking like Georgia's gubernatorial race may come down to a runoff between Democrat Stacey Abrams and Republican Brian Kemp. If no candidate gets more than 50 percent tonight, candidates have to spend MORE money to convince voters to drag their asses back to the polls on December 5th and vote again after the Independent spoiler is booted off the ballot.

Illinois senators Tammy Duckworth and Dick Durbin are calling on the state's public health director Nirav Shah to resign following revelations that the administration of Republican Gov. Bruce Rauner attempted to hide a 2015 outbreak of Legionnaires' disease at veterans homes. According to records obtained by Chicago NPR affiliate WBEZ, top Rauner aides withheld vital information about the extent of the health crisis from the media and state lawmakers so as to minimize bad press and obfuscate the deaths.

Iowa Republican Rep and white supremacist Steve King is doubling down on his anti-gay and pro-Nazi bullshit, criticizing the NRCC for supporting a gay candidate in California -- even though there are no gay Republican candidates running in California! Last night King was caught hanging out with the one of the writers of Nazi blog, American Renaissance.

Maine's jerkoff Republican Gov. Paul LePage says he's "done with politics" and is moving to Florida "for tax reasons." He says he may get a job teaching for a university, and that he doesn't plan on paying any income tax.

Fun Fact: Maine will be the first state to use ranked-choice voting for its House and Senate races this year! Nerdy political scientists think it's a way we could help rebalance our elections so they're actually more democratic. San Francisco used ranked-choice earlier this year, and it (eventually) turned out all right. [RadioLab Podcast] [Vox 'Splainer]

Iran is claiming the Israelis have created a new version of the Stuxnet malware that was trying to "harm the country's communication infrastructures." The original Stuxnet, created during the Bush 43 administration, shut down Iran's uranium enrichment program.

The US involvement in the JCPOA is dead after the Trump administration officially imposed the "toughest ever" sanctions on Iran -- though it did grant waivers to China, India, Italy, Greece, Japan, South Korea, Taiwan and Turkey to continue buying oil from Teheran, a move the Iranians called "a great victory." In a televised address, Iranian President Hassan Rouhani says the US is acting unfairly, and that Iran "will probably break the sanctions."

Nazi Twitter-clone "Gab" is back online. Robert Monster (not a joke!), CEO of web hosting site Epik, posted a rambling dog and pony screed about freedumbs, and censorship, and the First Amendment.

Last night Facebook said it pulled down 30 accounts and 85 Instagram accounts "that may have been engaged in coordinated inauthentic behavior" (AKA: election fuckery). Facebook says some of the accounts were "focused on celebrities, others political debate," but it didn't offer any more details. Reuters cites a since deleted passage that noted a tip from the FBI spurred Facebook to wield its ban hammer. Coincidentally, the DHS, DOJ, DNI, and FBI all issued a joint statement yesterday warning that foreign governments, trolls and basement dwelling douche nozzles are still trying to spread santorum-filled propaganda ahead of today's election. Mind you, this is in addition to Jeff Sessions ordering the DOJ's Civil Right Division to monitor 35 jurisdictions in 19 states for good ol' fashioned voter fuckery.

Some science bozos have spotted a UFO in space. NO REALLY! This thing was just cruising through space when suddenly it started picking up speed. It's probably just Charlie Brown's Halloween rock showing up fashionably late.

Samantha Bee is not just reminding everyone to FUCKING VOTE today, she's reminding everyone to vote for the local races! After all, it's the undercard races that can stop gentrification, fix your potholes, or open more polling places!

According to People Magazine, Idris Elba is the Sexiest Man Alive. In an interview, the 46-year-old advised people to "adopt the philosophy that tomorrow is not promised so just go for it today, man."

Not just the women, but the men too!

And here's your morning Nice Time! A BABY KOALA!

Baby Koala's first time out of Mothers Pouch www.youtube.com

Follow Dominic on Twitter and Instagram!

We'll be here all day and night. GO GET VOTIN'. Also, money, please?

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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Photo by Wonkette operative 'Zippy W. Spincycle'

Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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