2019: The Year Of The Other Tim Ryans

Elizabeth Warren launched the exploratory committee for her presidential campaign exactly a year ago. Kamala Harris and Kirsten Gillibrand joined her in January. Kickass women (and Tulsi Gabbard) were running to finish the good work Hillary Clinton started. We were so excited! And then depression set in. Men got involved -- mediocre men, boring men, men who refused to run for the Senate like they should've. The Democratic primary campaign quickly degenerated from Ladies' Night to a 1980s Dungeons and Dragons convention.

Let's take a moment to bid adieu to all the Tim Ryans who thought they were what America needed or wanted. We're ignoring the joke candidacy of Richard Ojeda, the West Virginia state senator who willingly voted for Donald Trump.

Jay Inslee

Grand Opening: March 1, 2019

Grand Closing: August 21, 2019

Inslee believes in climate change, and we'd love to have a president who doesn't try to combat global warming with leeches. The governor of Washington said non-offensive words at the first two Democratic primary debates. He also very politely made Meghan McCain look very stupid on "The View," so we contributed generously to his re-election campaign.

John Hickenlooper

Grand Opening: March 4, 2019

Grand Closing: August 15, 2019

Hickenlooper ran a bold campaign based in confessing on live TV that he'd watched hardcore porn with his mother. That's a tactic no one has ever tried, and he deserves credit for uniquely grossing us out rather than talking about "healing the nation" like every other Tim Ryan. The former Colorado governor has a good shot at unseating Republican Sen. Cory Gardner next year, so chip in here if you're so inclined. Once he came to his senses and dropped out of the presidential primary, Gardner endorsed potential future Senate colleague Michael Bennet, who's still in the race somehow. Bless his heart.

Beto O'Rourke

Grand Opening: March 14, 2019

Grand Closing: November 1, 2019

Oh, sweet Beto, what happened? We had high hopes for the former Texas congressman, almost Texas senator. We also bought (and still own) Deee-Lite's second album. Yr. SER was never good at recognizing when a fad was over. We liked "nothing left to lose" Beto, who vowed to take every Who in Whoville's assault rifle without any medically concerning increases in heart size. He's working now on flipping the Texas House of Representatives blue. He's probably too outspoken on racial justice and gun safety to appear on any frontrunner's VP shortlist, and we must admit, we respect him all the more for it.

Beto Responds to Shooting in Odessa-Midland: "This is F***** up."'www.youtube.com

Mike Gravel

Grand Opening: April 2, 2019

Grand Closing: August 6, 2019

This is a Mike Gravel campaign ad from 2007.

Mike Gravel - Rock -www.youtube.com

There's not much more to add. The crackpot of yesterday endorsed the crackpot of tomorrow, Tulsi Gabbard. He also co-endorsed Bernie Sanders, like they're his kids or something.

Tim Ryan

Grand Opening: April 4, 2019

Grand Closing: October 24, 2019

We're not sure why Tim Ryan thought he could ever be president, or vice president, or in any room where an important decision was made. He tried to oust Nancy Pelosi as House minority leader in 2017 and as speaker last year. He failed each time. Ryan claimed he entered the presidential race to give a "voice to the forgotten people" in America, but they probably need a representative other people can remember. Besides, the New York Times won't shut up about the "forgotten people" in the Midwest, so we never understood what original Tim Ryan was blathering about.

Eric Swalwell

Grand Opening: April 8, 2019

Grand Closing: July 8, 2019

Swalwell couldn't even win the coveted Eric Swalwell's parents endorsement. The California House representative made it to the first debate, where he confronted Joe Biden and asked him to "pass the torch" to the next generation. Biden said "no" and Swalwell didn't appear to have a counter argument. Did he assume Biden would say "yes"? The campaign never recovered.

Seth Moulton

Grand Opening: April 22, 2019

Grand Closing: August 23, 2019

The other Tim Ryan entered the race but failed to win over the 0 percent of Democratic primary voters already committed to original Tim Ryan. We described Moulton as "weird and wrong yet blandly unappealing" like failed McDonald's product offering the McSpaghetti, which we now think was unfair. If the McSpaghetti was the only thing left in your refrigerator that wasn't moving on its own power, you'd probably give it a shot. Moulton's presidential ambitions were never that promising.

Steve Bullock

Grand Opening: May 14, 2019

Grand Closing: December 2, 2019

Bullock seemed to best choice for a Non-Threatening, Moderate White Guy Nominee ... if that's what you wanted. It's not what we want. He's young (53) but not silly CW Dad young like Pete Buttigieg. He's the governor of Montana, one of those red states where "real Americans" live. Bullock should run for Senate. Yr. Editrix asked him nicely. He's still not interested. Thanks for nothing, Steve.

Bill de Blasio

Grand Opening: May 16, 2019

Grand Closing: September 20, 2019

A poll from June showed that de Blasio had a favorable rating of just 29 percent in the state of New York, where he's mayor of the city with the same name. Donald Trump himself enjoyed a favorable rating of 34 percent. Why are you selling de Blasio for president tee-shirts with numbers this bad? Registered New York Democrats also loathe the mayor. He has the support of just 39 percent of them. Deep dish pizza is more popular in New York. When de Blasio entered the race, Gillibrand was still a candidate and her constituents don't pelt her with rotten tomatoes on sight. The mayor finally stopped wasting everyone's time in September.

Joe Sestak

Grand Opening: June 23, 2019

Grand Closing: December 1, 2019

We'll say this for Joe Sestak: He's not a billionaire trying to buy the nomination while simultaneously lecturing us about money in politics. There's not much else to say. We're glad he finally dropped out of the race once he remembered he was in it.

Follow Stephen Robinson on Twitter.

Get yr "Impeachment Fever!" tees with your Christmas money from grandma!

See you next hour!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc