25 Things To Watch For At The Republican National Convention


25. Paul Ryan will poop his pants while giving a speech, it will be hella embarrassing.

24. A Florida alligator will eat Marco Rubio and then go "we all saw this coming."

23. Chris Christie will pour local seawater all over his tits.

22. An elephant will fly in from outer space and crash into the Tampa arena and have babies everywhere.

21. Editor Rebecca will save Rep. Virginia Foxx from the hurricane and then they'll do a bunch of cocaine.

20. The Tampa Bay Rays will cede control of the AL Wild Card to the Baltimore Orioles.

19. An actual pirate will rob all the boats in Tampa and kidnap all the slaves.

18. Mitt Romney will give five blow jobs to television crew members and then hug a racist.

17. Erick Erickson will fire a rocket out of his ass onto the hot pavement of I-4.

16. Ron Paul will be arrested for larceny and having sex in a palm tree.

15. A great big image of a dog will appear in the sky and summon Michele Bachmann.

14. Everyone will have sex with their sisters (their grandmothers).

13. Former Wonkette editor Ken Layne will scream about money in a desert in California.

12. Current Editor Rebecca will be carried off in the hurricane and wind up crashed on the shores of Singapore with that rich guy from Facebook.

11. Occupy Wall Street will camp out in a park and just watch The Five Year Engagement on loop for four days.

10. Tiger Woods will have sex with everyone at the convention and then go "Wahh who me?"

9. The Pope of Rome will fly over Tampa and drop pesticides on all the children (and then have sex with all the children) and then go "Wahh who me?"

8. There will probably be a shooting somewhere in America next week because that's all that happens anymore.

7. Louis Farrakhan will show up and shout "BOOGITY BOOGITY BOO!"

6. John McCain will spill applesauce all over the floor.

5. Donald Trump will swim naked in the air.

4. Editor Rebecca will fly in via parachute but her parachute won't release but she FUCKIN' LANDS IT ANYWAY.

3. So, so many abortions will take place in Tampa during the Republican National Convention, ha ha ha.

2. Paul Ryan will drive his Wienermobile into a mosque and then go "Wahh who me?"

1. George W. Bush will be nominated for president of the United States of America.


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