Strzok Out With Your Cock Out: The 5 Best Moments From Yesterday's Peter Strzok Shitshow
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SORRY SPECTACLE? Why did the GOP just spend ten hours screaming and flinging poo on live television? And did Wonkette's own Evan Hurst ever get his butter lettuce and black pepper, since he spent eleventy hours yesterday live-blogging the degradation of our once-proud Republic?
Inquiring minds want to know!!!!
Look, we can't explain why Republicans are constantly punching themselves in the dick during an election year. And we have no idea if Evan ever got food, since he wrote us this funny hed and some unintelligible notes before noping the hell out. But here are the Top 5 Batguano Insane Moments from yesterday's House Oversight and Judiciary hearing with FBI agent Peter Strzok.
It was a shitshow, from the opening buzzer when Strzok called it a "victory notch in Putin's belt," to the closing bell 10 hours later when Chairman Goodlatte whined that he never gets to do no oversighting and it's SO UNFAIR. Even the livestream had the pervasive stink of Trump voters -- Ben Gay, with a soupçon of Port-a-Pot in July.
Here's a vid of the whole megillah. We found some videos online, but otherwise just skip to the time in the heading if'n you want to see all the gory details.
Okay, glove up, kids! We're going in.
1. Strzok Reads Gowdy FOR FILTH (1:49)
Boy will we be glad to see the back of that inbred sumbitch's misshapen head! Trey Gowdy, a former prosecutor, spent 30 minutes yelling nonsense about how investigators ALWAYS love the subjects of their investigation. Just as he adored Hillary Clinton during the eleventy million hours he spent pretending that she somehow attacked an embassy in Libya from her bedroom in Chappaqua. The mind truly boggles.
After Rhode Island Rep. David Cicilline (D-Your New Boyfriend) forced Chairman Bob Goodlatte to let Strzok answer the damn question already, Strzok told Gowdy to FUCK RIGHT OFF with his attacks on law enforcement.
At no time in any of these texts did those personal beliefs ever enter into the realm of any action I took. Furthermore, this isn't me just sitting here telling you -- you don't have to take my word for it. At every step and every investigative decision, there are multiple layers of people above me: the assistant director, executive assistant director, deputy director, and director of the FBI and multiple layers of people below me, section chief, supervisors, unit chiefs, case agents, and analysts, all of whom were involved in all of these decisions. They would not tolerate any improper behavior in me anymore than I would tolerate it in them. That's who we are as the FBI. The suggestion that I in some dark chamber in the FBI would somehow cast aside all of these procedures, all of the safeguards, and somehow be able to do this is astounding to me. It couldn't happen. The proposition that this going on, and that it might occur anywhere in the FBI, deeply corrodes what the FBI is in American society, the effectiveness of their mission. And it is deeply destructive.
After which Bob Goodlatte realized he and the moron squad were outmatched, so he came up with a NEW RULE. If the Congressman doesn't phrase his harangue as a question, then the witness is not entitled to reply.
It's a goddamn shame this guy is retiring, ain't it?
2. Did Peter Strzok Make Donald Trump Commit All Those Collusions? Rep. Jackson Lee THINKS NOT! (3:31)
Yeah, okay, Strzok sent texts saying Donald Trump was a horrifying piece of shit who would destroy the country. Who hasn't, right? But not everyone can say that they colluded with a foreign government to subvert democracy! That honor belongs solely to the GOP.
Republicans spent 10 hours yesterday trying to pretend that Agent Strzok's sexxxxy texts with his colleague forced the Trumpland Treasonweasels to sell out their country to the Russians. And Texas Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee was NOT HAVING IT!
Did anything you did or said in 2016 change the fact that Trump campaign associate Carter Page was under counterintelligence surveillance going back to 2013?
Did anything you did or said in 2016 change the fact that in March 2016 the president met with George Papadopoulos who would later plead guilty for lying to the FBI?
Did anything you did or said in 2016 change the fact that Donald Trump Junior met with agents of the Russian government in Trump Tower in 2016? Did anything you did or say in 2016 change the fact that the president asked Russians to hack into Hillary Clinton's emails?
Did anything you did or said in 2016 change the fact that in May 2016 George Papadopoulos was drunk in a London bar bragging about how Russians had dirt on Hillary Clinton?
Did anything in the IG report change the fact that Donald Trump Junior was communicating with with WikiLeaks Julian Assange about the timing of releasing emails designed to harm Hillary Clinton?
That would be a NO TO ALL. Do not come for Rep. Jackson Lee unless she calls for you, Trey.
3. Paul Gosar, Dental Clairvoyant
If we hadn't seen it with our own eyes ...
By the way I'm a dentist. I read body language very, very well. I watched you comment with Mr. Gowdy. You got very angry in regards to the Goldstar Father. That shows me that it is part of you, and a bias.
See, he knows that Strzok is BIASSSSS because he got mad when Donald Trump attacked Khizr Khan, an immigrant who lost his son fighting for America. And thus the entire Mueller investigation is fruit of the poison tree????
OR, maybe Arizona needs to come collect Bucky McTeeth until he lays off the laughing gas! Prolly that one!
4. Rep. Bonnie Watson Coleman Is a BADASS!
You can skip the first two minutes of that Howdy Doody sumbitch yelling about WHY DIDN'T STRZOK TRY TO IMPEACH HILLARY CLINTON, HMMMMM?????? Ain't nobody got time for that. Cut to the last 30 seconds, when David Cicilline and New Jersey Rep. Bonnie Watson Coleman all but climbed over the desk to shove Gowdy's pinhead up his ass.
Point of order here, Mr. Chairman. You're not the one testifying here. And if you can't control yourself, how can you expect the Committee to control itself? You have been out of control since you've been on this Committee!
Why don't you leave it alone? This is not Benghazi!
At which point, Gowdy ceded the floor to her -- although his retreat was muffled since it came through his scrawny buttcheeks. Rep. Watson Coleman went on to remind the committee that, but for the FBI blabbing about the nothingburger email investigation 10 minutes before the election, we wouldn't be living through this goddamn nightmare.
If anybody should be pissed at the FBI, because you helped this unfit man become the president of the United States by not revealing to the people that he was under investigation in his campaign, it should be me! They should be applauding you, kissing you, and giving you awards. But for you, we would have had a legitimate president elected!
AYUP. How the hell did we wind up with Republicans attacking the FBI, while Democrats defend the institution that cost us the election? The world's gone CRAZY.
But not as crazy as Louie Gohmert, at least not yet.
5. Louie Gohmert Is OFF HIS MEDS!
Oh, lookie here! It's a video of the specialest exchange of the entire day, when Louie Gohmert, first among Village Idiots, defended Donald Trump by trying to shame Peter Strzok for infidelity. He was later arrested by the Capitol Police for MURDERING IRONY DEAD.
There is the disgrace, and it won't be recaptured anytime soon because of the damage you've done to the justice system. I've talked to FBI agents around the country. You've embarrassed them. You've embarrassed yourself. And I can't help but wonder when I see you looking there with a little smirk how many times did you look so innocent into your wife's eyes and lie to her.
At which point the room degenerated into chaos, with Rep. Cicilline interjecting, "Have you no shame!" and Rep. Bonnie Watson Coleman shouting, "You need your medication!"
Indeed he does. As do we all.
WE GOT A FEVER. AND THE ONLY CURE IS MORE VOTES!!!!
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.