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If you are like most Americans who were up at 1 AM last night, if you checked Twitter, you had the same thought: GO TO BED, IDIOT PRESIDENT. Because for some reason he was up, and for some reason he was mad, and for some reason he was ...

He was watching Fox News. Do we care about the breathless "reporting" he's passing on from whatever shit-haired glue-eating windsock Fox News personality the president was worshiping at that exact moment? Not until a real news organization says something about it, and even then, it's probably just the New York Times falling off the wagon and treating any "story" with the words "Hillary Clinton" in it as a "scandal." In short, nope! We have more than two brain cells to rub together, so we do not care about the latest Hillary Clinton "scoop" from Mike Pompeo's State Department, but if you'd like to understand why mouth-breathing wingnuts are going to start screaming "30 SECURITY INCIDENTS!" with the same joie de vivre as they scream "BENGHAZI!!11!!!!1" (also with the same lack of detail and understanding), then click on over to The Federalist. You know, where the real news is published. The Federalist.

19 minutes later, we got this:

Great. Very cool story, Mr. President.


If the president were a functional and well-adjusted human being, we'd probably think, "Oh well, whatever. He's 196 years old, he probably was awakened in the night by a raging bowel incident of some sort, and couldn't immediately fall back asleep." But he's not a normal person, so we don't think "nice" things like that about him. Also, he was tweeting for HOURS before that, and only took a break to go to sleep for what appears to be approximately four hours.

Did we mention the fascism? We should mention that Trump has landed on a campaign theme for his official presidential campaign launch tonight, and it is "fascism":

That is absolutely terrifying. What better way to kick off the re-election campaign of the single most unfit garbage human ever to hold the office than with threats of secret police rounding people up in vans! Of course, this is Trump, so the weather forecast is always partly cloudy with an 80 percent chance that dumbfuck is just talking out his ass.

Trump again denied last night that America has bolstered its capabilities to fuck up Russia's power grid, calling it "Fake News" because the Pentagon apparently did not brief him on it, because he can't be trusted with "Russia" information. Poor dumb idiot, the Pentagon treats him like a common foreign agent! (More on that later.)

At one point last night, Trump took a break from bitching to talk about all the Trump-supporting idiots waiting in line to see Dear Leader kick off his campaign in Orlando, and to reassure them there will be appropriate kiosks where they can inject funnel cakes directly into their veins for sustenance:

And then there was yapping about fake news polls, because all the polls say Trump is only slightly more popular than "finding out Clarence Thomas visited all the Coke machines last night," even the Fox News polls, therefore all the polls, even the Fox News polls -- and even his own internal polls! LOL -- are fake:

Hate it when "something weird" happens and even Fox News polls reflect that all patriotic Americans hate President Yap Stupid and his stupid loud face.

As we mentioned, Trump appears to have gone to bed at some point, or it's possible he never went to sleep at all -- maybe Vladimir Putin just turned off his Twitter.

He was up at nothing-thirty this morning tweeting about Mario Draghi, because his Twitter followers definitely know who that is. (Does he come on after Jerry Springer? He probably comes on after Jerry.)

So it's safe to say that Draghi, the head of the European Central Bank, said something that made Trump mad and Fox News whispered into the president's butt about it. Just another day in Trump's America, le sigh.

This man is not well.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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