A Brief, Disgusting Update On The Life And Times Of Donald Trump Jr.'s Penis
WANNA SEE MY LI'L SQUIRT?
There is good news and bad news in this post, so we'll do good news first so that the post gets worse the longer you read. The GOOD NEWS is that Donald Trump Jr. has found love again, or maybe something resembling it! Yes, fresh off his separation and impending divorce from his wife Vanessa -- which maybe is getting kinda nasty! -- it seems that Junior turned on Fox News like a common "His Dad," and decided to start sexting the first pretty lady he saw, and it is Fox News idiot Kimberly Guilfoyle, according to Page Six! Tough break, Judge Jeanine, maybe next time Junior is rebounding he'll turn on the TV during your show! Anyway, may Junior and Kimberly have seven to nine wonderful days together and we'll check back in when it all goes to hell.
The bad news, of course, is that this post is an update on the rambunctious adventures of Donald Trump Jr. and his penis, which may or may not be nicknamed "Li'l Squirt."
ANYWAY! Dipshit 'n' Kimberly went to a party together on Sunday! It was a big gay party in Chelsea for new quisling Ambassador to Germany Ric Grenell, hosted by their gays, who are named Bill White and Bryan Eure (human interest real estate porn profile HERE), whose apartment is just SPRAWLING according to Page Six, and it was ...
OK it sounds like the worst fucking gay party we have ever heard of in our entire fucking lives, and yr Wonkette knows from gay parties. First of all, the guest list! Sarah Huckabee Sanders showed up, because guess the Huckabee family took a day off from hating gay people that day, haha no they didn't. Bill O'Reilly showed up, and he made jokes about strangling Washington Post reporter Robert Costa, like LOL! Other guests included a bunch of other Fox News idiots and for some reason Wayne Newton, because Republican gays really don't get their phone calls returned when trying to book entertainment, we guess.
Second of all, Junior gave a toast, which was just a normal toast given by a normal person wishing his gay friend well as he moves to Germany:
Don Jr. [said], “I look forward to you [Richard] going there, because every time . . . I read about what is going on there and everywhere else, I don’t know if I’m reading a newspaper or if I’m reading the Onion. I look forward to seeing someone who is not afraid to speak up and fight for what’s right.”
He added, “And I look forward to visiting . . . As long as they don’t say I am somehow colluding with the Germans.”
HAHA, GERMANY NEWS IS LIKE THE ONION! FAKE NEWS! NEIN COLLUSION, NEIN COLLUSION, DU BIST THE COLLUSION!
Anyway, doesn't this party sound FUN? We bet the afterparty was even sexxxier, but please don't tell us about it, Page Six. Truly we are living in the stupidest ring of hell.
The delicious romance between Kimberly Guilfoyle and the The Thing That Sort Of Has A Human Face But Not Really has clearly been a long time coming, as Guilfoyle has been making public noise about wanting to be White House press secretary for over a year now. She obviously loves Donald Trump The Daddy very much, and we are not saying she is only dating Junior because of that (maybe she just has wretched taste ever since her Gavin Newsom days), but this can't be the first time Junior has ever canoodled with somebody who would really much rather be with his dad.
We mentioned above that Junior's divorce seems to be getting weird and gross, because everything involving Junior is weird and gross. Page Six reports that his lawyers are trying to figure out how many moneys Vanessa Trump really has, because she is a "marinara heiress," so that is a thing.
But Junior (or people close to him) also appears to be planting stories in the New York Post, home of Page Six, owned by Rupert Murdoch, about how Vanessa Trump used to date MS-13 or something, and also she sent her MS-13 boyfriend lots of sexxxy love letters while he was in jail, oh wait, her ex-boyfriend wasn't MS-13, he was in the Latin Kings, who are -- checks Page Six -- even more of a scary Latin gang than MS-13, and this is all totally normal.
Also we just realized that if Junior leaked Vanessa's MS-13 love letters to Page Six he probably also leaked the story about how he is attempting to convince Kimberly Guilfoyle to bump his ugly, and also the story about how he got invited to a fun gay party on Sunday night, because he DOES TOO have friends, FUCK ALL YOU GUYS.
Remember in the last paragraph, when we wondered if MAYBE Junior's face was the source for the Guilfoyle news? Well we are JUST SAYING it would make sense, in that Junior's chunkbody dad told all the reporters he split with his wife because he was busy banging Carla Bruni, and Carla Bruni had to issue an outraged denial, because can you imagine? So there is that.
Oh hey did y'all hear Stormy Daniels told Penthouse Daddy Trump's ding-a-ling is the opposite of YOOGE? She did that. Carla Bruni probably would have said the same, except for how she never saw it because Donald Trump is a weird, weird liar man. Junior says his own peen is bigger than Daddy's though. But Junior lies a lot too.
Hope you enjoyed this post about various Trump penises, goodbye now!
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