A Children's Treasury Of Derp: Your Weekend Roundup Of Dumbth

Welcome to another edition of our Derp Roundup, that collection of virtual floor sweepings that are too stoopid to completely ignore but not worth a full-length post. To start with, let's give an Excellence In Trolling medal to the sometimes-funny Andy Borowitz, whose New Yorker piece this week was characteristically meh, but managed to fool a few people, including Stupidest Guest Blogger On the Internet Mara Zebest, over at Gateway Pundit, whose impassioned overreaction -- "Obama is a thin-skinned man-child and the laughing stock of the world" -- doesn't really depend on the veracity of the source material anyway. After commenters pointed out that Borowitz is satire -- and a commenter whined about Obama being elected by "low information voters who get their info from Hollywood and comedians" -- Zebest pulled the article, but it's preserved by the magic of Google cache. Thanks, internet! Wonkette wishes a speedy recovery to Jim Hoft, and is exploring the possibility of asking Andy Borowitz to run a story about the $3150 that Gateway Pundit owes us.

  • An article in Business Insider explains that the brief shutdown of the porn industry following an HIV scare was not responsible for this month's disappointing employment data. The interesting factoid here is that porn performers are "independent contractors" -- just one of many similarities they share with most bloggers -- and so their being out of work would not be reflected in the unemployment rate. But all the crew behind the scenes are on payrolls, so a "longer porn shutdown that covered an entire pay period could cause a significant dip in reported film production employment. That's just not what happened this month."

    Now stop fapping over economic statistics, you pervs.

  • Tiresome meatsack Tony Perkins, Bible-banger in chief at the Family Research Council, has this cunning idea for how to fund an attack on Syria: Defund Obamacare and transfer the cash to the military budget. "If the President wants to expend resources in going into Syria, maybe you should have to choose between funding Obamacare and funding a war in Syria, can’t do both." Why not? Because gays in the military, probably, why not?
  • Rush Limbaugh took a principled stand against Boston's free school lunches as "another ticket for parents to simply shelve their own responsibility" and went on to explain that this is all a political strategy to make children see the government as their best pal, just like how pet owners feed their puppies and kittens to bond with them: "The end result is going to be here, that the students associate eating with the government, not with mom and dad." This is all part of a plan to ensure that everyone votes for Democrats forever. We would not want to be a puppy owned by Rush Limbaugh.
  • Sean Hannity and Allen West have an alternate strategy for this whole Syria mess: bomb Iran instead. Why? Because Iran is Nazi Germany, and might respond to a cruise missile strike on Syria by attacking Israel. Somehow, a massive attack on Iran would not provoke a similar reaction, which is why Allen West is a disgraced Army colonel and not chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. (Yes, yes, we would overwhelm Iran with our might, and it would be easy. Allen West and Sean Hannity may need some assistance getting those monkeys to fly out of their butts.)
  • The "white separatist" gentleman who's trying to create a neo-Nazi haven in a North Dakota town explained that The Jews invented the term "gay" to oppress white people. Just like The Jews invented the term "hate crime." There's really not much more to say about this guy, but it gives us an excuse to toss in this April 2013 comic by the excellent Derf Backderf (click to embiggen):
  • More Syria? Sure! Republican Rep. Michael Grimm explained that his surprising switch from lurving the idea of bombing Syria to opposing an authorization for military action was motivated by his sudden realization that Barack Obama is unfit to command the American military:

    “What’s changed the most is the president’s leadership has degraded,” Grimm said. “As a U.S. Marine, as a member of Congress, I wanted to support our Commander in Chief, but it seems like he’s done just about everything he can to bungle this. I really have lost faith in his ability as the Commander in Chief to handle this crisis in Syria.”

    Grimm came to this important realization when Obama asked for congressional approval last week, but did not immediately call Congress back into session, and arglebargle element of surprise and "Assad starts moving his cache of whatever weapons he has to hospitals and Mosques and schools or wherever else” also too. Also, his constituents have informed him they really do not like Barack Obama.

  • In an interview with the New York Times' Amy Chozick, Glenn Beck was as mystifyingly consistent as ever, veering between trying to sound conciliatory and sticking to the weirdo mad-prophet schtick that we all know and loathe:

    “Can we stop dividing ourselves?” he asked. “Do racists exist? Yes. Do bigots exist? Yes. But most of us are not. Most Americans just want to get along. Why can’t we do that? What has happened to us?”

    Two paragraphs later, however, when Chozick pointed out, “But you said you were going to hunt down progressives like an Israeli Nazi hunter,” Beck immediately railed against his perceived enemies on the left.

    “Oh, I will,” he assured her. “I think these guys are the biggest danger in the world. It’s the people like Mao, people that believe that big government is the answer, it always leads to millions dead -- always.”

    So presumably, once we've exterminated the progressives, we can all get along and hold hands.

  • Howard Dean dyed his hair. Twitter reacted, according to the New York Post.
  • Former Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villariagosa has been hired to burnish the image of maybe-pyramid-scheme outfit Herbalife. Dude, we know that freelancing can get you some odd gigs, like blogging and working at family court services and substitute teaching all in the same week, but Herbalife andteaching at Harvard? And after we defended your character!
  • Yet another House Republican, Bill Flores of Texas this time, teased a town hall crowd with the prospect of impeaching Barack Obama. And he's got a really specific reason!

    "I look at the president, I think he's violated the Constitution. I think he's violated the law. I think he's abused his power but at the end of the day you have to say if the House decides to impeach him, if the House had an impeachment vote it would probably impeach the president."
  • Yep, they're totally going to impeach the president. Getting right to it. Any day now. His aggression against the Constitution will not stand, man. Yep. Impeachment train's a-comin' all right. Going to take Our Country back...

    [Gateway Pundit / Business Insider / LGF / MediaMatters / RawStory /Townhall.com / Mediaite / NYT via RawStory / Maddow Blog]

    Doktor Zoom

    Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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