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We are wondering if maybe we could just work up a template for these mass-shooting stories, where we could have blanks to fill in with the location, shooter's name, number of victims, and so on. And then we could also just plug in the idiotic things said about them within the first 24 hours while we're at it.


For that matter, we could pretty much guarantee the first slot would always go to The Gateway Pundit, because even though Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man on the Internet, is ill (and we wish him a speedy recovery), he's got the Stupidest Guest Bloggers on the Internet to fill in for him. For instance, within hours of the first reports of shooting, and well before any information on the gunman's identity had been released, Andrew Marcus reminded readers that Ayman al-Zawahiri recently "called for renewed attacks on American soil." Once the shooter was identified as Aaron Alexis, an African-American with no apparent ties to Islam, the post was not updated, because he could still turn out to be Muslim, like the president is.

Gateway Pundit continued its winning streak of pure derp with a later post proclaiming that the Navy Yard was just asking to be shot up, since like other military bases it was a "gun free zone." Stupid pussy military, not being smart enough to let everyone carry all the time like the smart folks at Gateway Pundit. Incidentally, Chris Hayes points out an amusing bit of trivia: The one place that you're almost never allowed to carry a loaded weapon is at your friendly neighborhood gun show.

And of course, there's conspiracy troll Alex Jones, who predictably claimed that the Navy Yard shootings were a false-flag attack aimed at discrediting Alex Jones (as if he needed any help):

“You better believe that even if they’re just pure jihadis that did this, even connected to Al-Qaeda groups out of the Middle East being commanded by the leader of Al-Qaeda last Friday to attack the United States… even if that’s the case, you can believe, like the last three or four cases, they’re going to try to connect it to Inforwars.com and yours truly, part of the long-term demonization campaign ...

“If you want to wonder how big this radio show is, even separate from the website, it’s the fact that they try to pin, I’d say, about half the major crimes, we get brought into it,” he insisted. “It’s because we’ve got their number, we know who the globalists are, we know what their program is. And they’re very concerned that we be discredited so that people will not look at what we cover on the radio show, the Infowars nightly news and on the websites.”

You know, Alex, if "they" wanted you dead, you'd be dead, don't you think? At this point, the only way Alex Jones could truly shock anyone would be to say "I think this event unfolded exactly as the police say it did."

And finally, some actual satire of a satirical sort:

Gateway Pundit / Gateway Pundit again / All In With Chris Hayes via Mediaite / RawStory]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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The Church of Scientology had some thoughts about Our Robyn's piece, Who Wants To Watch A Creepy White Guy Rap About Scientology? We had some thoughts about their thoughts.

Thanks for writing in, Scientology! As you doubtless realized when you didn't demand we take down our story, but requested it instead, our opinions of your weird cult and that poor young man's rap skills are protected by the First Amendment. (I learned about libel law in college and grad school but also on the job: I was in newspapers so long that I was actually colleagues with Tony Ortega -- about whom you sound quite "venomous" and "biased" -- at the very same newspaper chain you can't believe he defended! Next up, please show your due diligence by talking trash about a woman you didn't know was my mom.)

Also, a lot of your former members say on the record that you kidnap people, and stalk them, and harass them, and sometimes beat them up good, and I request that if so, fucking stop it.

The rest of you click the headline, if you want your OPEN THREAD.

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Monday's Trump-Putin press conference landed on the entire free world like a hot treason-shaped turd, didn't it? Congressional Republicans have been saying mean things about it on Twitter, and even Fox News has been less than 100% supportive! The White House communications department obviously knew it had a crisis on its hands, what with how it's generally considered inappropriate for the leader of the free world to get on all fours in front of the Russian president and wag his tail and slobber with anticipation while he awaits his next marching orders. WOMP WOMP, etc.

So the comms department typed up a thing for the president to read aloud today at the beginning of his meeting with members of Congress, about how he was VERY SORRY he said one word incorrectly during the Putin presser. That's right, only one word of that whole fucking shitshow was wrong. All the rest of his traitor words were exactly what he meant to say.

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